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The Land Of Pelna ~ A long medieval story set in a new world
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DestaliusDark  |
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Not Gonna Happen.
Group: Members
Joined: Oct 31, 2011
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 IntroductionWelcome to my newly created topic.
I figured this would be the best place to post this and start out to get feedback and tips to improve my writing and story telling.
The Land Of Pelna is a idea i had already for a few months, since then i tried to develop characters a bit more and make the story seem more "logical".
I'm not the best writer here, and i believe it takes a pretty long time till i actually made something people will be able to read and enjoy it at the same time. English is not my primary language so you might see spelling errors often, though i try to watch out that i don't make too much of them.
The way i make sentences might also be a bit strange and/or wrong. Though i try to take everything i learned from studying in school and on the internet with me here.
Thanks to some of my friends who helped me fleshing out the story a bit more.
I shall now start typing till my fingers are gone. 
Hope you enjoy The Land Of Pelna!===== Plans For The FutureThe Land Of Pelna, will consist of 3 parts. Of course i planned them already. But i think il only write them if the first chapter is any good.- The Staff Of Pelna- The Sword Of Pelagius- The Axe of PeganAs i also know how to draw, i'm trying to make my drawing better. As soon as i think im doing good enough. I might draw some Art for this story. ====- Chapters : Chapter 1 : A rough Leaving.====- Prologue Far away, in a other era and in another universe. There was a world called "Kaptar's Kingdom". This world consisted out of 4 big Islands. Each named after the 4 Main gods. The first island was named "The Land Of Pelna" The second island was named "The Kingdom Of Pelagius The third island was named "The Mountains Of Pegan" But for the last Island there was no name given. People called it "The Island Of Hell" or other hellish names. The last Island was small and located far away from all the other islands. Humans who where foolish enough to search a new home on this island never came back, or you could say, came back in pieces. Not many knew what the Island contains. People spread rumors that on the Island only the most evil persons live Or other say that the evil Orks and Goblins made it their home. The only thing everyone is sure of, is that this Island belongs to "Ghaster". A god that had the powers to make this earth into a living hell. This cruel god did not care about the life's of other animals or people. If he had a son, he would not care for his dead. Not even the other gods are brave enough to interfere with his evil plans and hellish methods. Though since the past years, this god has been forgotten for the most part... In the past years, the god's have been discussing to rename Pelna's island. A horrible story is attached to this.... Many years ago, Pelna lived in peace, Pelna was a powerful god, with powers to bring creations to life. To make anything he wanted. All because of this single staff named "Lynne". This staff named simply "Lynne" had the power to create anything on earth. Was it a flower or a giant Bird, anything was possible. The Big Main god "Kaptar" entrusted this staff to Pelna 100's of years ago. In all these years, Pelna created a perfect nature, he made Animals and humans make the nature balanced. Pelna was loved by all, his beautiful appearance was also made by this staff, he would do anything to help his beloved creations. 1 beautiful think he did not make was his beloved wife "Andrid", he loved her with whole his heart. She helped him in chaotic and painful times, she was always there. Ready to help Pelna. But the staff, had one negative thing about it, a power that could not be noticed. The staff created Hatred and jealousy among the other gods. Oh how they wish they also had a staff to create anything they wanted. These minor gods would do anything to get their hands on this staff. Pelna noticed that some gods where different then usually when he talked to them with his staff in one hand. They could not take their eyes off this, amazing small thing. Many gods wanted to try and kill Pelna, or take it with force, but they where all to afraid to do this. Afraid of the power the staff had, "imagine!" they thought "What Pelna could do with this staff, create giant weapons to kill us all" . In the world of gods rumors where spread that Pelna was planning to destroy the earth with his powers. Because of this, the gods removed almost all his powers, and he was doomed to live as a powerless god. There was a goddess who saw this as a opportunity to get the staff. A goddess named "Krasitly"... Deep in one of the many nights, she took 2 of her most trusted servants with her to Pelna's home! With her 2 servants she climbed on a giant mountain, where on top of it, Pelna's home was located. The mountain was high and steep, though this was no match for a goddess. It was only a matter of time beofre the goddess stood inside his home. A beautiful home made out of wood and many flowers. You heard the creaking noises from the last flames in the fireplace; a very cozy place indeed. But not for long... Krasitly silent step by step walked to the bedroom, where she saw Pelna sleeping with his wife. Krasitly saw a part of the staff, coming out from under the pillow that Pelna used for sleeping. Silently she walked over to the bed, and with a rpid movement she grabbed the staff! Pelna felt something moving from under his pillow, he slowly opened his eyes to only see something terrible. Pelna saw Krasitly, in a instant Pelna grabbed torwards under his pillow, be he was shocked! He felt nothing but his matress and the pillow. Pelna jumped out of his bed and ran torwards Krasitly... But Krasitly was too fast, she pulled out the staff and pointed it right into Pelna's face. "BURN" she screamed! Pelna began screaming in pain, he felt like someone threw acid in his eyes. Krasitly made Pelna blind, but with a extra effect. A burning everlasting pain in his eye's, while laughing Krasitly jumped out of the window. Andrid ran torwards Pelna - Andrid woke up already - with a wet small cloth to cover his eyes. In the meantime Krasitly was back in her palace. She was not planning on using the power to soon already, she broke the staff in 3 pieces. The bottom piece she gave to "Andrejl" the oldest one of her servants The middle piece she gave to "Geve" the youngest one of her servants. And the top piece she kept for herself.. Krasitly gave her 2 servants the task to hide these pieces in the most dangerous places ever created. Andrejl hid her piece on the highest mountain on the Island. A mountain no human would dare to climb and even think of this. Geve hid her piece deep in the underground caves, where there was no light and no food. Where there was only darkness and pain. And last, Krasitly hid her piece, where no one would expect it. In her chest! The 3 pieces where now away and hidden from all other gods. Finally the jealousy and the hatred where gone, all gods once more lived in peace since a long time. Pelna could not think or anything thing else, the pain in his eyes was too great, and disabled everything else in his body. Not long after the incident, Ghaster also heard from it. Finally Ghaster could make his move. He went to Pelna, and offered a deal, he told him : "If i release you of your pain, and give you your powers back, to take revenge on all those who betrayed you. Will you tell me who stole the staff?" Pelna did not trust Ghaster. But Pelna wanted to see his wife in the eyes again, and love those he loved once again. The pain was too big to not say "yes". Ghaster laughed, and responded with "But of course my Pelna". Pelna's pain was gone, his powers restored, but what was this strange feeling? Pelna felt chaotic, the dark powers Ghaster gave him where not intended for his body. Pelna was taken over by the overwhelming big power Ghaster gave him, he could not think anymore. A evil demon had taken over him, with this new amazing power Pelna took revenge on all the gods. He created giant beasts, monsters the most evil beings of all time. He created Chaos in this world , everyone thought of it was perfect, but it was only a matter of time before the other gods defeated him together. A giant battle took place in Pelna's home, a unbelievable battle between the giant gods who once where friends, it was in that battle that Pelna killed the 2 other main gods "Pegan" and "Pelagius". Many soldiers and minor gods where killed in this battle. Who would think 1 god, who once was so loved could create such chaos and so much death.After days of fighting, Pelna finally was defeated. The gods brought him to the deepest place in hell, where he would live on for eternity with once again the burning feeling in his eyes, in a pit he could not climb out. While all this chaos happened, there was no attention given to other things, this was Ghasters moment to fulfill his plans. He went to Krasitly's palace, where he met up with her... "Good morning beautiful Krasitly" said Ghaster with rather a big smile on his face Krasitly was surprised and shocked that Ghaster would enter her palace , and especially on this moment. She did not dare to look this evil man in his eye's, anxiously she replied "Hello Ghaster, take a seat.. please." Ghaster took a seat, and so did Krasitly, he watched every movement she made, then finally kept looking at her eye's. "Straight to the point then shall we?" Ghaster said while he looked straight in her eye's, his smile began to fade away. He stood up and took out his sword, pointed it at her eye's and said : "Shall i do the same with you as i you did with Pelna?" Krasitly looked to the top of the sword, she sat on the seat, motionless with her lips shivering. Ghaster continued : "Where is the staff... Krasitly?" Krasitly replied scared with :"Never shall i tell you, you can kill my servants...my childeren, but i will never tell you. "Very well...goodbye" he replied with a smile, he stabbed his sword right trough her neck... Krasitly's body ell on the ground, and the blood spread everywhere... "Is there anyone else here who wants his life to end like this?Your precious godlike life's?!" He screamed... The servants looked shocked torwards the body of Krasitly, the lady they used to serve all these years. Is simply killed by 1 stab... "If i don't know where it is.. no one else can know!" screamed Ghaster again... He left the Palace.. After all this... many funerals where hold. It was a sad winter, and everywhere the nature began to give up. Pelna the god of Nature... was gone. Many feared for the worst, Ghaster was free to do what he wanted with the nature now. As he was the only main god left. What a terrible fate did this world meet... And this is how your story begins. [Thx for reading, id like it if you point out the many Grammatical errors and the strange sentences i made. i would like feedback And il do my best to use it! I hope you enjoyed it. Il Post Chapter 1 soon enough, first im going to Eat and clean my keyboard (God very dirty o.O) This post has been edited by DestaliusDark on Friday, Aug 10 2012, 15:34
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| Ziggy455 |
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Helping Hand.
Group: Members
Joined: May 2, 2007
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Okay, I've had a read and a few things stuck out to me immediately. The first thing is FORMAT. The way you've formatted the story is quite strange, and you've written the sentences like bullet points. Like so:
There was a man.
He was twenty two.
He was an assassin.
He was happy.
He loved shooting people.
He always shot people with good skill.
You've got the string sentences along and make them connect. For example:
| QUOTE | Far away, in a other era and in another universe. There was a world called "Kaptar's Kingdom".
This world consisted out of 4 big Islands. Each named after the 4 Main gods.
The first island was named "The Land Of Pelna"
The second island was named "The Kingdom Of Pelagius
The third island was named "The Mountains Of Pegan"
But for the last Island there was no name given. |
| QUOTE | | Far away, in another era and universe, there was a world called "Kaptar's Kingdom.". The world consisted of four huge islands each named after the four gods; the first, The Land Of Pelna; the second, The Kingdom Of Pelagius; the third, The Mountains Of Pegan, and the last island was never given a name. |
Notice how I have written it? Paragraph your work like you have but you need to learn the difference between explaining something; that is expositional storytelling, and telling an actual story.
As for the story itself, I can not really give much feedback until it develops -it DOES need to develop and be planned- and we'll focus more of your presentation before your plot. As this is a forum, you need to format it properly in other ways. Please put your dialogue on a separate line. For example:
| QUOTE | John's lungs felt like a coal furnace, he coughed what felt like his left lung out and gasped as it clawed for air as it shrivelled.
"Need..to get- out!" He gasped. |
It makes it easier to read.
Next.
Please, for the love of all that is holy. Stop doing this:
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It's tacky, it's awfully horrible. It's ghastly and perturbing. It's f*cking sh*t in all honesty, please delete it from any work you do. This post has been edited by Eminence on Sunday, Aug 5 2012, 22:54
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| Mokrie Dela |
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МОКРЫЕДЕЛA
Group: Members
Joined: May 1, 2009
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I this instance I have to disagree with ziggy. Posti g '-----------------------------------' perhaps it a Simple '==' I don't mind - I recognise the effort you've taken to make it presentable but allow me to suggest:
* * * *
I see this in lots of books and I think it's neater. Ziggys right that's it's a personal choice, and as this is an Internet forum, perhaps acceptable
. I just had a read and couldn't see anything like that that was too much.
I have nothing to add other than what ziggy said. I hope you've planned this out and developed your plot and characters well enough to give it life, that it begins to live, if you get me. I have two things I advise anyone who seems to be new at writing :
- firsty be patient. This applies to both gd following points
- plan things out and research. This is medieval? Don't take the lead from games but read some history books, see what life was like then what struggles people had for example. This will help convey the setting
- once a chapter is written - don't upload it. Set it aside. Write the next chapter. Read a book or stuff on here. When the ext chapters done do the same. Then after a week or so (this will depend on you, some may give it a day or some a month. Some wait years), read it and critique it, edit it, improve it. Then wait again.
Only upload it when it's ready - we all want to be read but like slow cooking a cut of meat, it will pay off
Aside from that, listen to the advice here. Some people, especially eminence or Craig, ziggy too, have good advice to give. Don't be out down but flaws they highlight - even a famous indian poet who wrote hundreds of poems had room for improvement.
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| Ziggy455 |
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Helping Hand.
Group: Members
Joined: May 2, 2007
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| QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Sunday, Aug 5 2012, 23:06) | I this instance I have to disagree with ziggy. Posti g '-----------------------------------' perhaps it a Simple '==' I don't mind - I recognise the effort you've taken to make it presentable but allow me to suggest:
* * * *
I see this in lots of books and I think it's neater. Ziggys right that's it's a personal choice, and as this is an Internet forum, perhaps acceptable
. I just had a read and couldn't see anything like that that was too much.
I have nothing to add other than what ziggy said. I hope you've planned this out and developed your plot and characters well enough to give it life, that it begins to live, if you get me. I have two things I advise anyone who seems to be new at writing :
- firsty be patient. This applies to both gd following points
- plan things out and research. This is medieval? Don't take the lead from games but read some history books, see what life was like then what struggles people had for example. This will help convey the setting
- once a chapter is written - don't upload it. Set it aside. Write the next chapter. Read a book or stuff on here. When the ext chapters done do the same. Then after a week or so (this will depend on you, some may give it a day or some a month. Some wait years), read it and critique it, edit it, improve it. Then wait again.
Only upload it when it's ready - we all want to be read but like slow cooking a cut of meat, it will pay off
Aside from that, listen to the advice here. Some people, especially eminence or Craig, ziggy too, have good advice to give. Don't be out down but flaws they highlight - even a famous indian poet who wrote hundreds of poems had room for improvement. |
 HOW DARE YOU DISAGREE WITH ME. To be honest, my help and advice isn't set in stone. We can all learn from each other. |
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| DestaliusDark |
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Not Gonna Happen.
Group: Members
Joined: Oct 31, 2011
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Here is chapter 1! Please post feedback to help me improve this Thank you Hope you enjoy Chapter 1A rough leaving 200 Years after God Pelna Was DefeatedBetween the 3 great islands, lays a group of other small islands. The islands where very tropical and small, on one of these islands there is a small cottage; made out of dark brown wooden planks, as we go inside we see a small room, where a young man; around the 16 years old, is resting from his daily hard work on the corn fields. This peacefulness is over quickly though, from behind the room we hear big footsteps coming through the hallway of the home, it was the mother of this young man; she wasn’t pretty at all, she had a fat belly and arms from the male body, she slammed the door to the young man’s room open with a powerful kick and screamed: “You stupid sloth! Look at you, no wonder your father left when you were born, get to work!” The young man lifted up his head and looked towards the giant woman that he called his mother… The young man sighed and with much trouble got out of his bed, oh he was sad such a nice and warm bed, and he left it there to go work with his brother. The mother went back outside and knocked the door back shut with a powerful swing. The young man put on his clothes and slowly refreshed himself, he went outside to greet the wonderful morning. With his hands in his pockets he walked to the corn field, where he met his brother. At a certain moment the young man heard a boy screaming his name:” Jonathan! Jonathan! Wait up! ”
Yes the young man with the big mother was called Jonathan, a normal and common name in this world. The boy approached him with a big smile and a piece of bread in his right hand “Hello Jonathan, where are you going to? Want a piece of my delicious bread?” he asked Jonathan with a bright and big smile, “Well…” he replied “Let’s go to the pond instead of the corn field, shall we Oscar?” Oscar nodded with a big piece of bread in his hand, together they went off the road into the woods, and Jonathan took a flower from the grass next to the road and putted it in his mouth, like a real farmer would do.
After a little while of walking the 2 boys finally arrived at the small pond, where a few ducks where floating on the calm water, at the other side of the pond a small river went between the trees to a small waterfall from the nearby hills. The sun shined bright and the weather was hot, so the 2 boys decided to go lye next to the pond with their legs and arms wide open, Oscar shared a piece of bread with Jonathan and on that moment, life seemed perfect like it should be every day, after a few hours the boys got hungry, especially Jonathan he ate barley anything since he woke up; besides a piece of bread, Oscar looked at the calm ducks floating in the water “Care for a piece of duck meat?” he asked Jonathan while licking off his lips. Oscar stood up and took out his pocket knife from his pockets , Oscar ran towards one of the fattest ducks from the pond, the duck ran away quickly when she saw this crazy boy running towards her, it was a humorous sight , seeing that crazy Oscar with his long brown hair running behind a duck. The duck jumped or a tree stump, that unfortunately Oscar hadn’t seen, the stop was next to the river *SPLASH* Oscar fell in the water , Jonathan laughed at him, his tummy hurt from all this laughing, but he couldn’t help it. Though after a minute Jonathan was getting worried, he went up to the pond and saw Oscar pulling something out of the ground, he swam back up with the object in his hands and climbed out of the pond with the object in his left hand, “Look what I found!” said Oscar with a happy tone, the object was a book, with moss all over it, the book was very dirty but through all this dirt and moss, you could see a small golden lock on the side of the book. How strange, why would someone lock a book thought Jonathan “Let me see” reply Jonathan to Oscar, Oscar handed over the old book and said : “Here try looking inside, il try to catch a other duck, and not fall in the pond this time…” While Jonathan was busy cleaning off the wet, mossy and dirty book , Oscar was running behind the ducks again, Jonathan had no interest anymore in Oscars funny chasing scene, Jonathan inspected the book very detailed, he was sure of it that the book was very old though the golden lock was impossible to force… “Here we go..auch!” Jonathan heard behind his back, it was Oscar with a fat duck ready to roast. The night fell quickly, and Jonathan forgot to visit his brother on the cornfield, he did not care much. The people working on the field treated him and his brothers like scum because their father went away.
The people who lived there did not accept people who left the village; they looked upon it as someone who had no interest in helping anyone, someone who was a traitor! Jonathan shook his head and forbid himself to focus on this miserable life he had. After a tasty meal; Duck roasted on a fire, and some fresh water from the pond, they boys fell asleep on the soft mossy grass…
Deep in the night Jonathan heard a strange noise, a noise of something moving furiously on the ground. Jonathan opened his eyes and he saw the book, moving on its own, it was like something wanted to get out of the book, Jonathan stood up and took the book off the ground, he was so curious what was in the book that he tried to force the lock again, he took Oscars pocket knife and squeezed It into the lock , the lock opened! A very bright light came out of the book , it was like he was looking directly into the sun, Jonathan tried to close the book again but the book became heavy and heavier by the second, it became so heavy he could not hold it in his hands anymore he dropped the book back in the river, but the light was so bright it shined right through the water, then something very strange happened out of the water flew; what looked like the top of a staff, something and landed on the ground, Jonathan took up the Object , it was very hot, he realized that around the object a note was wrapped, he took the note off and began reading it :”To those who read this, may you only use this object for doing good, or not use this object at all” it continued, “This object is the top of a staff, a staff that belonged to a god, but got taken from him. I the last living servant of the one who stole the top, shall hide this in a book and throw it in a pond” Jonathan did not understand what this was all about but he kept reading while holding the top of the staff in one hand : “The one who finds this, must fulfill a certain task… since the day that the staff was stolen, the nature began to, die. There are 2 other pieces of this staff hidden far away in deep caves, these locations are marked on the drawing at the end of this note, collect these pieces and bring them to Pelna, so the staff can be forged in his whole again, go now adventurer, because once this staff reaches the air only bad things can happen…” Jonathan was confused about this note, questions floated around in his head “Is nature getting destroyed?” “What bad things will happen because of this staff?” “Should I go collect the other parts? But how!? ” While Jonathan was thinking, a orange light appeared at the horizon, was it the sun coming up? No… it looked more flame like, Jonathan remembered what the note said about bad things would happen to those close around you, he ran towards Oscar and woke him up hasty “Oscar! OSCAR! We need to get back to the village Oscar!” confused and tired Oscar stood up and ran with Jonathan towards the village the closer they got the brighter the light got, Jonathan feared the worst and realized this could not be because of a simple accident, he took a heavy stick from the ground between some trees and used Oscars pocketknife to make a sharp point on it so they had some form of protection. Finally they came back to the road from where they started, the first thing they was going to Jonathans house, when he was almost there Oscar and Jonathan saw a beast, frightened by its giant claws and teeth and his battle axe on his back , at first it dint notice the 2 boys on the road, but like puppets they stood there, too scared to move a muscle. Eventually the beast noticed these 2 unprotected boys, he also saw the top of the staff in Jonathans pocket, the beast took his axe from his back and ran towards the boys, Jonathan was not planning on deign, he snapped out of his fear and in an instant he took his sharpened stick and threw it to his head, -luckily the beast was big and slow so hitting it was no threat- *Splat!* right through his left eye, he screamed in pain, this was their chance! The boys ran back off the road and climbed in the nearby trees, the beast was full of anger; he kept looking around and wondered where his 2 little preys went to, the beast eventually stopped searching and walked further on the road. The boys waited a bit before going back down to the road; they wanted to make sure it was safe. When they climbed out the trees it was almost morning again, and the bright light was almost gone, the boys walked for a few minutes and eventually came to Jonathans house, burned to the ground it was, Jonathan fell down on his knees and began crying, now there was no one left in his family, Jonathan searched between the burned pieces of his house for food and other useful things, he did not find much but at least he found some food and a old rusty sword tot used to belong to his grandfather, what surprised Jonathan was that there were no bodies of his brother or mother, though he thought that was the best, he dint even want to see their dead bodies. Oscar did not care much about this, he never had a family and thanks to the villagers his life became more and more depressing, the boys then walked towards the corn field to see if the horses were still alive. After a long walk they finally reached the field, it was in ashes and some parts still burned, they walked to the barn where all horses where kept, then they saw something gruesome, the farmer who used to learn him and his brother how to work on the field, a very nice man who would do anything to protect his farm and beloved ones. There he was, lying on the ground with a endless stare into the sky, with wounds all over his body and a pale skin, they buried him in his field with some tools found in his burned shack, then they continued to the barn. Luckily the one who started this fire did not pay much attention to the barn, only a small part of it was burned and from a few walks away they could hear the horses already! Filled with hope they ran towards the barn, a few horses where still ok but the rest all had burn wounds or broken limbs, Jonathan took a black horse to ride on, and Oscar a simple brown one, they both had experience with riding horses because they would take them to deliver messages or goods, they both took a saddle that hung nearby and mounted their horses.
And rode out to somewhere, this was the first time they would ever be someone where else then in their village or near the pond, Jonathan asked himself many questions, “what was that beast? What happened in such a short time? Who is this Pelna? What’s going on!?” everything was confusing and Jonathan did not understand what happened in the past few hours. He took a last look over his shoulder to see that he was leaving a place that he used to call
“Home”
End Of Chapter 2. |
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| Mokrie Dela |
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МОКРЫЕДЕЛA
Group: Members
Joined: May 1, 2009
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[QUOTE=Ziggy455,Sunday, Aug 5 2012, 23:37] HOW DARE YOU DISAGREE WITH ME. [/QUOTE] TO ARMS THEN!! On to my words now, and as Ziggy said, they're not set in stone. I'll point out what errors i see - not with the intention of picking the story apart, but as you said, english isn't your native tongue, so i shall try to help you improve it. [quote]Between the 3 great islands, lays a group of other small islands.[/quote] No need for a comma here, and lie would work better here, unless youre trying to give the narration voice. [quote] The islands w here very tropical and small . On one of these islands there is a small cottage , made out of dark brown wooden planks . As we go inside we see a small room , where a young man - around the 16 years old - is resting from his daily hard work on the corn fields.[/quote] Were you the guy i spoke to about semi colons? They can be tricky to learn 0- i never used to understand them. I've made some grammatical changes to the passage which will improve it i think. I think they're corrections but it may just be a diffrence in style. Red is where things shouldnt be there (Where - it's were for example). Green is things i've put in or changed. A note on "-" i've used that there because i think it works better, but a comma would suffice. A "-" to me symbolised a larger break from the sentance, almost like a bracket. A few minor grammatical corrections that i think help it flow. The biggest problem though is tense. Are you writing in past or present tense? The islands were very tropical.... On one of these islands there is... There's a mixture there which is a no no (unless you're writing flashbacks). In this instance it should be: The islands are very tropical. On one of these islands there is.. or The islands were very tropical. On one of these islands there was... Choose your tense and stick to it. Past - He did that. Present - He does that. It can be hard sometimes to stay in the tense (i find it it's hard to stay in one, then you should consider a permanant switch), and as you said english isn't your main langauge so i appreciate these little hidden bombs  [quote] This peacefulness is over quickly though . From behind the room we hear big footsteps coming through the hallway of the home . * It was the mother of this young man . She wasn’t pretty at all ; she had a fat belly and arms from the male body . She slammed the door to the young man’s room open with a powerful kick and screamed: “You stupid sloth! Look at you, no wonder your father left when you were born, get to work!” [/quote] * - a semi colon might work here but i put in a full stop to try to creat a bit of tension... Some of the word choices here too i think can be improve on. The description of her for example i think can be done better. She has this, and that. Yawn. How about examining her more closely, and seeing her features and putting them in to a more action based sentance. Example: "She wasn't pretty at all; her once-flat belly now reminded her of a sack of potatos, and her arms were too masculine to belong of the body of a woman. Life as a mother was hard, especially in the early years, and that had taken a toll, replacing whatever beauty she might have had with the ravishes of age." Just a quick example, it may not be very good, but the point i'm trying to make is i think you could go into a lot more detail without "telling" us. here i tried an insight to her mind. At that moment in the story I was her, walking down that hallway. [quote]The young man lifted up his head and looked towards the giant woman that he called his mother… [/quote] Choice of words - you've used young man, why not use youth instead. is he a teenager? Perhaps say that, as it will also offer the reader some more specific information as to his age. There's also no need to say "giant woman that he called his mother" We know she's a woman, so the word is superflorous. Perhaps try saying: "The giant that he called his mother." Though again, i think this can be improved on. I personally would go with "The ogre that he called his mother." as this offers a more beastly image, perhaps how he sees his mother. Giant - to me says tall. [quote]The young man sighed and with much trouble got out of his bed . Oh, he was sad such a nice and warm bed, and he left it there to go work with his brother.[/quote] Something's gone wrong here. The last sentance isn't right at all (clearly a language/translational thing). I THINK you're trying to say he is sad to leave his warm, comfortable bed to go work wiht his brother. In which case: "Oh, he was sad to leave such a nice warm bed, but he had to join his brother in the fields." Notice, firstly that i've changed the way it is here? The "And" isn't needed and the rearrangement of words toward the end help the flow i think. Notice too that i've said "join his brother in the fields" as opposed to "go work with his brother". Specifics here - go work could be anything, but where is his brother? What is he doing? I'm assuming (for example sake) that he's in the feild, tending to crops or so such. He is doing the work, and this young man is supposed to be helping him. All that can be said with just a couple of words, i think. [quote]The mother went back outside and knocked the door back shut with a powerful swing.[/quote] Firstly here - The mother - is too detached. The cow, the car. It's that thing over there. But if we change it to "His mother," then we've got connection. It's not just anyone's mother, but his mother. Better yet, give her a name. When you introduced her as an ugly woman, why not add in her name? "She wasn't pretty at all; her once-flat belly now reminded her of a sack of potatos, and her arms were too masculine to belong of the body of a woman. Life as a mother was hard, Maria had learnt, especially in the early years, and that had taken a toll, replacing whatever beauty she might have had with the ravishes of age." See? Now she's got a name (though i used maria as an example). From now on there's no need to detach the reader by saying "the mother" "The woman" or "that person." By using her name, the reader is a step closer to feeling connected to her and, by proxy, the young man. Secondly - "knocked the door shut with a powerful swing." - this sentance seems a bit heavy. Knocked, powerful and swing could all be combined into one word. Perhaps "Slammed"? "She slammed the door." Maybe that doesn't convey her strength? Sometimes you have to really think about words. Earlier today i wrote part of Justice In Flames and spent about 3 minutes deliberating over a word. As it turns out i rephrased that sentance. Perhaps the same is needed here? "Maria went back out side, slamming the door behind her." Not the best suggestion but i think you get what i mean. [quote]The young man put on his clothes and slowly refreshed himself, he went outside to greet the wonderful morning.[/quote] I dont know what you mean by "refreshed". Do you mean washed? (in which case would he not wash before dressing?). The use of wonderful morning i think can be exploited. Does this guy wish he was still in his nice warm bed? If so, how about showing some disdain for the morning? "... reluctantly went outside to face the oh-so-wonderful morning." My intent here (not sure if it's worked) is to use "wonderful" almost sarcastically. Also i think it's about time this young man had a name. "the young man" feels like i'm watching some kid walk down the street. You want the reader to be attached to the character. You dont want them as strangers - introduce us! [quote]With his hands in his pockets he walked to the corn field, where he met his brother. At a certain moment the young man heard a boy screaming his name:” Jonathan! Jonathan! Wait up! ”[/quote] Finally! We've found out his name (and not a bad way to introduce a character). But "at a certain moment" doesnt work too well i dont think. At what moment was it? Was it when he reached the field? Had he picked up the plough? Here's my rewrite: "He walked toward the corn field, his hands in his pockets - the closest he could get to his warm bed. But there was work to be done. As he picked up the plough, he heard someone calling out to him. "Jonathan, wait up!" [quote]Yes the young man with the big mother was called Jonathan, a normal and common name in this world. The boy approached him with a big smile and a piece of bread in his right hand . “Hello Jonathan . Where are you going to? Want a piece of my delicious bread?” he asked Jonathan with a bright and big smile, “Well…” he replied “Let’s go to the pond instead of the corn field, shall we Oscar?” Oscar nodded with a big piece of bread in his hand, together they went off the road into the woods, and Jonathan took a flower from the grass next to the road and putted it in his mouth, like a real farmer would do.[/quote] This is starting to sound like there is a man telling me this story. Kind of like The Shawshank redemption - where morgan freeman's character is talking to YOU, or the narrator in Me Myself and Irene, or perhaps the narrator in the Fallout games. IF this is the case, be sure to keep the reader aware of this. if not, be careful with your words. "Yes the young man with the big mother was called jonathan." - i really like the effect here. I'm seeing a man sitting by a campfire telling me this. and that could be an effective technique. If this isn't what you want, then that may need a rewrite. We've just found out his name is Jonathan, so there's no need to tell us again (unless the story is being told by another character). "Big mother" is too vague it think. Earlier i referred to her as an ogre - this is a good chance to do so again. "with the ogre of a mother..." "Normal" and "common" in this case mean pretty much the same thing. It'd be like saying "The warmth of the fire was hot" We don't need both. In fact, ask yourself, do we need either of them? Jonathan is a common name anyway. perhaps there's a more subtle way of saying this: "Yes the young man with the big mother was called Jonathan, a name he shared with a the town's basket weaver, and the infant son of their local fisherman." Here i think i've shown that there are others called Jonathan, but again, is that needed? "Hello Jonathan" - does this new character need to say the name again? Will "hello" suffice? What about cutting that sentance out completely? "He asked jonathan with a bright and big smile" So far there's only two people here. Again, i dont think the name's needed; it's clear who he's talking to: "want some of my delicous bread?" He asked, his smile as bright as his eyes, which twinkled with mischeif. Here i've implied that he's up to something (which may or may not be true) Now for Jonathan's reply. Firstly: New speaker, new line. Everytime the converstation changes speaker, there's a new line. In this instance, jonathan's reply has to be on a new line. Also i think the name needs to come forward: "want some of my delicous bread?" He asked, his smile as bright as his eyes, which twinkled with mischeif. "Well, Oscar," He replied, "Let's go to the pond instead of the corn field, shall we?" OScar nodded with a his bread still in his hand. Together they went off the roadn and into the woods. Jonathan even snatched a flower from the grass beside the road and put it in his mouth, chewing it like a real farmer would do. Also note my rewrite of that section (Putted is not a word ). For the rest i'm merely going to high light and correct things i think are down to english not being your main language. Take what i've said about, and see if you can go through the rest of this and improve it using the same logic. [quote]After a little while of walking , the 2 boys finally arrived at the small pond . A few ducks floated leisurely on the calm water . At the other side of the pond a small river squeezed itself between the trees, leading to a small waterfall in the nearby hills.[/quote] No, No, NO!!!!! Never write "2". Numbers should always be written in full. "The two boys finally arrived..." Also this section is too long winded. it needs breaking up. You'll also see what i've done with the little river (though i would it a "stream" which is a tiny river). I've said that the river "squeezed" between the two trees. This is called personification - talking about objects as though they were people. I'm talking about the river as if it's a person. "Bob squeezed between the two trees" This can be effective in painting the scene i think. [quote]The sun shined bright and the weather was hot, so the two boys decided to go l ie next to the pond with their legs and arms wide open . Oscar shared a piece of bread with Jonathan and in that moment, life seemed perfect like it should be every day . after a few hours the boys got hungry, especially Jonathan , who had barely eaten at all since he woke up, besides a piece of bread.[/quote] It's very important to get your full stops (periods they're called in the USA) and commas in the right place. This is the easiest way to lose your reader. [quote]Oscar looked at the calm ducks floating in the water . “Care for a piece of duck meat?” he asked , while licking his lips. Oscar stood up and took out his pocket knife from his pockets.[/quote] No need to say pockets twice. I would delete the second one. Oscar ran towards one of the fattest ducks in the pond . The duck ran away quickly when she saw this crazy boy running towards her .[/quote] The duck would [i]swim[i/] away if it's in the pond. perhaps "fled" would be better? [quote] It was a humorous sight, seeing that crazy Oscar with his long brown hair running behind a duck. The duck jumped or a tree stump, that unfortunately Oscar hadn’t seen, the stop was next to the river *SPLASH* Oscar fell in the water ,[/quote] Ok, it was humorous? Show and tell. Don't tell us it's funny, show us. Show us by Jonathan laughing. Describe it so that the reader finds it funny. Im going to leave it there. Go through the rest on your own and see if you can pick up anything else. I've gotta run but if no one else has i'll run through the rest later. Also please note that many of these points may be my opinion. Each writer has his own style. I am not pointing out mistakes just to say "thats wrong" but to help your craft. I hope i've helped, and i hope my advice is good  EDIT: anyone any idea why my quote tags arent working!? This post has been edited by Mokrie Dela on Friday, Aug 10 2012, 22:18 |
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| Mokrie Dela |
 Posted: Saturday, Aug 11 2012, 11:10
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МОКРЫЕДЕЛA
Group: Members
Joined: May 1, 2009
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| QUOTE (DestaliusDark @ Friday, Aug 10 2012, 22:28) | Thank you so much for pointing this out!
I had no idea how i would try to make the characters flesh out better, this will help me a lot!
Il try to fix them all and use everything you said in this feedback in Chapter 2.
Thank you so much! ;3
[I have no idea why the tags arnt working though]
[Also i would like to hear, if you kinda enjoyed it? Like if you did not just read it for pointing out mistakes haha.] |
Oh yeah, whoops I thought it was good - it still needs some work, and my biggest problem with it was lack of direction - that chapter was good as an introduction, but from that there is no story. Two guys go to a pond. There needs to be some form of direction in it, or something that's going to hint at something, usually a question that the reader will want asked (Using City of Lies as an example, Niko attends Roman's grave, and i tried to create an emotional connection with niko. Then as he finally goes home, it's revealed he's followed. Who is following him? Why are they following him? What are they going to do? Justice in Flames, however, i must admit falls short on this front in a way - the opening in nothing other than an action=packed introduction. It shows Niko and his partner at work, training against each other. The chapter, though it does well to show what Niko does now, has little connection with the story. The question the reader may ask: " is niko dead?" is in fact revealed to be irrelevant.That's what i think is missing - a hook i think we'll call it. Something that's going to pull the reader in deeper, and make them want to read the next chapter NOW. The events in your first chapter are pretty ordinary - and that's good, as you need to establish a stasis. The way i look at stories is with 8 different sections: Stasis, Trigger, Quest, Obstacles, Response, Climax, Resolution, Reversal. I'll explain them: Stasis - this is the normal everyday that the character lives in. It is Thomas A. Anderson turning up late for work, and sitting at his desk. It is the "once upon a time there lived..." part. Trigger - this is the big bang. This is the event that starts the story off. This is Ezio Auditore's father and brothers being murdered. this is where the story starts, this is the "But something happened" of the fairy tale. Quest - this is obvious. This is what the character wants. This is Ezio seeking revenge for his father's death. The quest can change throughout the story, or evolve, or even be replaced. Obstacles and response go hand in hand. This is the problem that the character faces. This is Ezio being hunted by the Pazzi guards. It's a problem and the repsonse is how he'll get over it. By running, or fighting.... In the Da Vinci code, the character thinks his way out. in computer games we normally fight our way out. Climax - this is where the adventure/quest peaks. This is where that big fight is had. Resolution - this is where the problems and the quest are settled. Revenge is had. The man's got the girl. The adventure is over. Reversal - this is the return to a new stasis. The adventure's over, and the character returns to his life. Simple version: Stasis - Once upon a time Trigger - Something happens quest - causing the character to want something obstacle - but things don't go as plan; there's a problem response - the character has to react, make a decision or do something climax - which has consequences and leads to an event reversal - the result of which results in a change (lessons learnt etc) resolution - and they all lived happily ever after. i hope that doesnt seem too patronising But so far, that chapter is one long stasis. There's no trigger. something needs to happen. Now to complicate matters, the trigger can happen before the story starts (GTA IV's trigger, on the grand arc at least, is Niko in the war being ambushed. That causes him to seek revenge (quest). Things dont go as plan though (most of the mission in IV, the fact that the men responsible have gone away) (obstacle), and Niko must hunt them down (response). He does, and confronts them (climax) and either (again we see another obstacle and response) has to take his revenge, or let darko go. After that he ponders it and learns a lesson - that killing Darko did not matter (reversal). GTA IV doesn't have much of a resolution though imo (City of Lies doesn't), and sometimes that works. It's the "..." at the end. apply all that to your chapter. Does the event that starts Jonathan's story happen before or after he goes to the pond? If after, how are you going to keep your reader interested untill then (again, Assassin's creed 2 delayed the trigger, giving you an extensive stasis while it taught you the basics of the game). You need to give the reader something until the trigger. That's what's lacking and i hope by going into so much detail i have helped. Apart from that though, it's good. If i thought this was crap, i would not have written so much out, or tried so hard to help. I see potential in this, but it does need some work. I only hope my advice is good |
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| Csabi98 |
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Knight
Group: Members
Joined: Jun 9, 2012
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I just read this because I saw it in your signature, and I love medieval ages and fantasy.(Great story by the way, and I like the original idea)
It seems like all the usefull information has been said, but still:
I think that in some places the "..." ruins the whole sentence. For some reason, I can't find thoose sentences now as I re-read, but I found them before. It just feels it doesn't belong there, or maybe its just me.
Maybe you should use a more medieval language in some places like the notes on the staff. Things like "Thus", "Hence". Theese may be hard if your not english(I ain't too and its not easy to find the spots where theese words fit, but it would give a more medieval feel), its not a must also, but you know, expresses the medieval setting.
Some more description would help. You describe, and I can imagine the mother pretty well, but Jonathan and Oscar. All I know is that he is around 16, and Oscar got long, brown hair. Of course more can be figured out through the story(Oscar's hair), still, I can only imagine Jonathan because I guess a 16 year old kid's size. Its not only their look, but also treats, personalities. According to my research on the internet, I found out that you should take your time creating great characters. I don't say they are not good. Indeed, Oscar is the one who hunts for the ducks and fails, but still retries(The little enthusiast kid who enjoys life), while Jonathan is the calm, mature, daydreamer kind of guy who just sits and watches and waits for a miracle to happen to make his life better.(Thats how I imagined it at least)Some things that I would be curious about is why the dad left, are they a poor family, etc. This kind of big information would reveal a lot, like if they are poor, they most likely would not wear pocketed shirts, rather some ripped fur or clothes. You know I mean.
I heard that characters help the story a lot. And since its a great story, original idea and believable setting(for a fantasy), the characters should not be lost in it. I've also found character creating chestionaries while searching on the net, but I think its better to create characters how you want.
I see you listened to one of the replies and improved your formatting. Its better now, though did you think about instead of using dialogue like this: "XYZ" said Jonathan, you could use it like:
-XYZ. - Said Jonathan.
Thats all, as I am not the best writer in here too, indeed, I don't think I'm very good, as I always start stories but never finish them, but still, this is what helped me too, and improved my stories(Now I only need to come up with one )
Anyway, hope to see the next chapter soon, and also some drawings maybe. And don't forget, where there are islands, there must be little islands around them too. I see you already added that so nevermind. This post has been edited by Csabi98 on Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 21:52
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