[xGhostx]

Hey guys, this is probably the first time you see me here. So I'm gonna write my first story base on my mission pack of dyom call Dead Rising. You're gonna see a lot of writing mistake because my English isn't good. I would appreciate any kind of feedback especially negative feedback.

So I guess it it's gonna feel like a game:

Intro
San Andreas 2012, scientist's trying to invent a cure for cancer, and they did. They invented the cure, but doesn't mean the cure worked. When they test it, the test subject started to act weird, they tried to bite normal people. One of the test subjects escaped from the lab and became a virus.

2013, after the virus attack SA, few people left the city, few dead, and the rest are infected by the virus, they were called zombies...

Part I: The Outbreak
''My name is Allen, I was in the army for 5 years before I moved to Las Venturas to look for a peaceful life with my wife, no guns, no blowing sh*t up, no danger. (laughs)...that what I was thinking. So my wife was bite by a zombie, to stop turning into a zombie, she need a cure call Zombrex and of course it's the most expensive thing in SA. To get enough money to buy the cure, I have to enter a zombie game show, which I have to survive among thousands of zombies.''

Las Venturas, Casino Town 2013. Standing in a cage in the middle of the stadium with a chainsaw, Allen is getting ready to start the game. The bell rings, his cage's open, zombies start to run toward him. So Allen starts his chainsaw, the crowd start to scream and cheering for him. A zombie run toward his back, Allen heard the footsteps behind him, he turn around:

''Get the f*ck off me!'' Allen shouted at the zombie while cutting the zombie head off using his chainsaw.

Using his weapon and his army skill, he kill every single zombies around him. But it's not that easy and he knows it, zombies start to overcrowd the stadium. Normal people will probably be dead by now, but not for him. Allen start to take advantage of the obstacle in the stadium and manage to survive. After 30 minutes of struggling, he managed to live, but zombies start to target the audiences, zombies run toward the protected glass, the audiences still laughing and cheering, but somehow the zombies have broken the glass, all the faces of the audiences change as they start to run. Allen know the situation is bad but he still remain his calm, he run to his wife's room:

Lara surprise to see him in one piece: Honey are you ok? Did you win?

''No... but the casino have... been breached by the zombies, we...we need to get out of here now.'' Allen is very tired but he still try to talk.

''Oh no!'' Lara said.

At the moment, ten container with zombies supplies have been broken down and the zombies start to run around the casino. Police shut down all the exit of the casino to stop the zombies from going outside. Allen run to the main door with Lara and shock when they know the main door was locked and sealed by the police. They run around the casino to search for exit but didn't found one, Allen take his phone from his pocket and call 911:

''YOU TELL YOUR MEN TO OPEN THE EXIT IN CASINO TOWN RIGHT NOW! THERE ARE STILL SURVIVER HERE!'' Allen shouted at his phone.

''Sir, please remain calm and wait for rescue to arrive. Find a safe room and hide in there, we will be there as soon as possible.'' The police responded.

''NO! You don't understand! My wife!..She is...'' Allen said with a worried face.

(The police hang up the phone)

''Dammit!'' Allen put his phone to his pocket, he punches the wall aggressively, make his hand bleed.

''What did they say? Are they coming for us?'' Lara with a calm voice.

''No, honey. I'm sorry we're on our own.'' Allen said.

A crowd of zombies heard their voices and start to run toward to their location. Allen hold Lara's hand and run to the basement and lock the door. They are safe...for now. The basement only have one exit which is the door they just lock, and it crowded with zombies outside. After 3 days hiding in the basement, they both feel weak, hungry and thirsty. Allen start to search the basement for anything, and he found an old air duct. He told Lara to take a sleep while he search for food and water, he saw a crowbar and take it for self defense. He climb up to the air duct and find himself in a small empty room, it seems like this room haven't been used for a long time. He use his crowbar to open the door, he suddenly saw a zombies and swing his crowbar toward the zombie's neck, Its blood is now all over Allen's face. He look at the map of the casino in the hall and start to head to the kitchen. The kitchen was a mess, all cooks are dead, body's everywhere. He took some food can with some bottle of water and return to the basement. Food and water ran out fast, they decided to find a way to escape from the casino.

Part II: The Escape
They exit from the air duct, Allen use his crowbar to defend Lara and himself as they're making their way to the hall to find the map. They take a look at it and decide to take the elevator to the roof. But when they get to the elevator, it doesn't work, there's no the power, so they have to take the stair. After fighting their way to Level 10, Allen heard some noise near one of the room, someone is talking in there. He knock the door for any respond:

''Hello! Is anyone there? Let us in!'' He said while knocking the door.

''Are you infected?'' Someone asked from the door.

''No! Let us in! Please!'' Lara said.

The door opened, Allen and Lara walk in and they see 2 survivor there. A man with an injured leg, he can't walk anymore, probably because the zombies. And an employee of the casino, they must have been hiding in here while the outbreak begin:

''So you guys got any spare water?'' The casino employee asked.

''Oh we have one bottle left, I guess we could share some.'' Allen said and give him the water bottle.

''Thank you so much.'' He drink a quarter of the bottle and give some to the injured man.

''So are you planning on getting out?'' The casino employee asked.

''Yes but we don't know how, all the exit were blocked.'' Allen said.

''sh*t! So I still got 2 way to get out, get to the roof and and parachute down, you can forget about that. So what I'm trying to say is on the roof, there's a small elevator for window washer there, but we need the key for that. And it's in the control room in the casino lobby.'' The casino employee said.

''The casino lobby? But it's full of those things there. We can't never get there!'' Lara said.

''Indeed we can't. But with some tools, we can.'' The casino employee said.

''Sound like you got yourself a little plan, tell me about it.'' Allen said.

''(laughs) We're going shopping. Ok listen, on level 2, there's big shopping mall there, we have to get there and search for a few things. Two chainsaws and a motorbike.'' The casino employee said with a confident voice.

''I know what you mean, so what are we waiting for?'' Allen said.

Suddenly, the zombies are trying to get through the door, make the survivor shock. The injured man tell Allen to get close to him:

''(cough) Sir, please take this picture and give it to my daughter, her house is 10 block from here, I know I can't get out of here.'' The injured man said to Allen like his final works.

Allen hold the picture of the injured man and his daughter in his hand. And finally, he passed away, look like Lara is crying a bit. The survivor drag the bed to the door to block it, then get out of the balcony and escape to level 9. Allen told his wife to stay in a room in level 9, using the bed to block the door and wait for him to get the key. The casino employee take out his pistol, Allen take out his crowbar and kill the zombies while making their way down to level 2. After they got the motorbike and the chainsaws, the casino employee told him to attach the chainsaws to the motorbike, one on the left and one on the right (image). Allen get on the motorbike and drive down the stair, killing every zombies are in his path, he drive to the control room with a motorbike full of blood. He use the crowbar to break the door, the casino employee use his gun to cover Allen:

''Where's the key!?'' Allen shouted.

''On the right desk!'' The casino employee said while reloading his gun.

''Alright I got the key! Let's go!'' Allen said.

Allen get on the motorbike and drive to the stair:

''We must walk from here!'' The casino employee said.

They run up to the stair, the zombies start to chase them, the casino employee turn around and shoot the gas tank of the motorbike to make it explode. They run to level 9 and knock the door of Lara's room. Lara drag the bed away from the door and open it:

''Did you get the key?'' Lara asked.

''Yes, it's time to go.'' Allen said.

The survivor run to the stair and make their way to level 20, they're very tired so they take a little rest then keep going up the stair till they get to level 25. They open the door and get on to the roof. Allen look down to the city:

''Oh my god. They're gone, all the people, what's left are zombies.'' Allen said.

He turn around and shocked when he see the casino employee's holding Lara with a gun next to her head:

''Drop your crowbar give me the key, now!'' He said.

''Why...why are you doing this!?'' Allen shouted and drop his crowbar to the ground.

''Shut the f*ck up and give me the f*cking key! I don't want nobody to follow me!'' He said.

''Selfish asshole! Get your hand off my wife now!'' Allen shouted.

Allen take out the elevator key, Lara suddenly bite the casino employee's hand, Allen run toward him and stab his left eye using the key. The casino employee drop his gun and move back to the edge of the roof, Allen pick up the gun, point at him:

''Go to hell.'' Allen pull the trigger, the bullet went right on the chest and the casino employee fall all the way down to the street with those zombies.

He put the gun to his pocket and run to Lara:

''Are okay?'' Allen asked.

''(cough) I'm fine, let's go.

''And don't worry honey, I'll find you a Zombrex, I promise.

They get on the elevator and use the key to get down to the street...

This post has been edited by xGhostx on Tuesday, Aug 7 2012, 07:31

[Ziggy455]

No. I'm sorry. You need to post this in the GFX Category or somewhere else. This is not a legitimate story.

[cammi]

GFX is graphics

Also this is writing and what xGhostx is trying to say is he will make this into a story but it is based on his mission pack. He said he will write the first part tommorow. If it is anything like the mission pack then it will be great

[Ziggy455]

QUOTE (cammi @ Sunday, Aug 5 2012, 17:37)

GFX is graphics Also this is writing and what xGhostx is trying to say is he will make this into a story but it is based on his mission pack. He said he will write the first part tommorow. If it is anything like the mission pack then it will be great

I'm going to bring up the topic that I wrote very much earlier that answers this topic.

[xGhostx]

I don't know why you told me to post this in the GFX section.

If you're telling my story doesn't fit, so f*ck me, I like to write about zombies. I already had the whole story in mind and can't wait to write it. I know that the intro suck but that's only one I got. And I know that I can't write like you guys, all I want is to show the story I have in mind.

[xGhostx]

Part I: The Outbreak updated.

This post has been edited by xGhostx on Tuesday, Aug 7 2012, 07:25

[cammi]

I used to write like this using : instead of using "" but it is not very accepted on this forum. I dont mind it but some other people dont like it.
Instead of

QUOTE

Allen: NO! You dont understand! My wife!..She is..

You could have

QUOTE

"No! You dont understand, My wife! She is.... " Allen shouted as the 911 operator hung up.

That way, it would get better reviews. You would be surprised how much of a difference it makes. And never use this

QUOTE

!.....

Use one or the other. But apart from that this is a great story, I like the creativity.

One more thing, there are a few mistakes like

QUOTE

Did you won?

It should be

QUOTE

Did you win?

[xGhostx]

QUOTE (cammi @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 10:42)

I used to write like this using : instead of using "" but it is not very accepted on this forum. I dont mind it but some other people dont like it. Instead of QUOTE Allen: NO! You dont understand! My wife!..She is.. You could have QUOTE "No! You dont understand, My wife! She is.... " Allen shouted as the 911 operator hung up. That way, it would get better reviews. You would be surprised how much of a difference it makes.

But I prefer using this:

QUOTE

Allen: NO! You dont understand! My wife!..She is..

But thanks anyway, I really appreciate your feedback, I'll try harder in part II.

[cammi]

I prefer it too. But just be careful

[xGhostx]

QUOTE (cammi @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 10:49)

I prefer it too. But just be careful

Okay thanks.

[Mokrie Dela]

QUOTE (cammi @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 10:42)

QUOTE Allen: NO! You dont understand! My wife!..She is.. You could have QUOTE "No! You dont understand, My wife! She is.... " Allen shouted as the 911 operator hung up. `

Good example there Cammi. The latter example carries over more detail and flows better.

It's a styling choice.

Allen: No! You Don't understand!

This is a script or a screenplay, and while they are welcome here, most frown at them because they're usually lazy.

Heres an example.

Bob: I don't understand the question.
Fred: It wasn't a question. i was telling you what to you.
Bob stands and walks to the window: I don't like being told what to do.
Fred: Tough.

That gives very little to the reader. Screenpalys and scripts are difficult. Eminence posted a link in the social club with links for screenplays I'd say look at them and see how they're done.

Now the "prose" version of the above example

"I don't understand the question." Bob's face was a mixture of confusion and denial. He didn't understand the question, he didn't want to understand it. He didn't want to be having this converstaion.
"It wasn't a question." Freds words were like tiny daggers, penetrating Bob's defences. "I was telling you what to do."
You bastard! Bob had to bite his lip. How dare he tell him what to do?! He stood and walked to the window, desperate to hide his face.
"I don't like being told what to do." His voice was timid, but behind that sat a bubbling cauldron of rage. You bastard!
"Tough." The bell had sounded, signaling the start of the fight. Guns were drawn, and it was duel time. Bob turned, his face now displaying his anger.



Which one is better? The latter offers so much more detail, yet trying to put it into the first would be very difficult. You can use ":" in prose:

Bob was angry. His shouts said: "No!"

One thing i've learnt about fan fiction - you can see i've got two quite big fan fic works - is that you really have to deliver on it. People often go into it negatively, so if it's so-so, they might not like it at all, perhaps not even reading it. I like fan fiction, and i think you could make this a good work.

Zombies however - you have to pull something out to carry this over. It's a cliched subject (most things are tbh), so you're on the backfoot already - but if you write it well enough, you can draw people in. So far there's nothing that's grabbing me, and pulling me into the story - that's something i struggle with. It has potential, and Ziggy i have to disagree with - he dislikes several kinds of work:

* topics made with next to no text, and "i will post more ...." - it's lazy tbh. When you create the topic - as i had done in the past - try to make sure that you've got something substancial.

* scripts - as said, these are hard imo. I find them very difficult to convey details in.

* concepts - fan fiction has the risk of being seen as a "concept thread" - where your idea of the game is presented.

I advise you to read some books, read mine, ziggy's, eminence's, etc - read our works too, and see how we've laid it out, how we've used "" and : etc, see how it's better in terms of reading and conveying detail.

Most of all though, take these words on your chin, consider their meaning and the advice, and apply that to your work - rewrite your chapters, practice it and gain the new skill. Don't be turned away by these words (credit to cammi, even after i was a **** and called him a moron, he stuck around, and earnt my respect for that in a way), but use them to improve your works.

[xGhostx]

Wow. Those are great advise, all of it. And yeah, the story isn't kind started yet, so just stay tuned. And thank you, I really appreciate it.

So I decided to do a little bit rewrite and edit on part 1.

And yeah, any kind feedback would be appreciated.

[cammi]

@Mokrie - Thanks.

@xGhostx - Part 1 is looking much better. And I like the new logo.

[Mokrie Dela]

The logo's cool, but don't be distracted by it!

regarding this:

"the story isn't kind started yet"

I'm hoping this isn't how it sounds. The one thing that people frown upon in this section is people creating a topic for a piece of writing that hasn't been done yet. I hope you mean it hasn't got started, like the momentum of the plot is yet to build in what you've uploaded, and the chapters you have written/are writing will get it going. It sounds like you made the topic as a placeholder of sorts - if that IS the case, stop, close your internet browser, and write the story, do your research, and update this topic when you HAVE got something written.

[shiva s]

I use to know you from the DYOM Sub forums, man. You were one of the good designer there. But, keep in mind that this is not as easy as DYOM. Anyway, good luck wiht this. Feel free to PM guys like Mokrie, AceRay, Zig, El Zilcho. They are always here to help newbies like us.

[Mokrie Dela]

QUOTE (shiva s @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 15:53)

I use to know you from the DYOM Sub forums, man. You were one of the good designer there. But, keep in mind that this is not as easy as DYOM. Anyway, good luck wiht this. Feel free to PM guys like Mokrie, AceRay, Zig, El Zilcho. They are always here to help newbies like us.

Be careful PMing people though. It'd be better to post in a topic so we can ALL help - pms can feel a little forced and with a topic I may offer advice but someone else may give better advice!

[xGhostx]

QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 14:05)

The logo's cool, but don't be distracted by it! regarding this: "the story isn't kind started yet" I'm hoping this isn't how it sounds. The one thing that people frown upon in this section is people creating a topic for a piece of writing that hasn't been done yet. I hope you mean it hasn't got started, like the momentum of the plot is yet to build in what you've uploaded, and the chapters you have written/are writing will get it going. It sounds like you made the topic as a placeholder of sorts - if that IS the case, stop, close your internet browser, and write the story, do your research, and update this topic when you HAVE got something written.

No no, what I mean is I already have the story, part is kind of an intro, you know. But thanks anyway, really appreciate it!

QUOTE (shiva s @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 15:53)

one of the good designer there

Awwwww

[xGhostx]

Part II: The Escape updated. Please check the main post.

So any kind of feedback would be appreciated! Thanks for reading.

This post has been edited by xGhostx on Tuesday, Aug 7 2012, 07:26