[cammi]

CLICK IMAGE FOR CHAPTER












3.Attack The Fort ( Link Will Go Here )
4.Calling In A Favor ( Link Will Go Here )
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Links And Logo coming tommorow

This post has been edited by cammi on Thursday, Jul 19 2012, 16:10

[cammi]

PROLOGUE



The Courier smirked at Caesar lay in a pool of blood on the edge of Hoover Dam. Caesar was given the ultimatum, surrender or die. He coughed and attempted to get up. The Courier knocked him back down on his back. Caesar let out a loud squeal.

Courier - So what will it be, life or death.

Caesar - I want to say death but I really cant.

Courier- So you come with me to kill Lucius and Lanius.

Caesar- Yes, help me up.

The Courier put out his hand and raised Caesar up. Caesar started to laugh.He took off his chest plate and revealed burst packets of soup, that was the blood. He ran, the Courier chased him. Caesar got cramp in his foot and started to slow down, in a few seconds The
Courier gained on him. He grabbed Caesar by his neck and threw him to the ground.

Courier - What was the point in that?

Caesar - I nearly got away.

Courier - Not really.

Caesar- Please give me one last chance.

Courier - Mr House didnt pay me to give chances.

Mr House - Your right , I didnt. Kill this fool.

Mr House had hacked into The Couriers Pip-Boy using the Lucky 38 mainframe. Caesar blacked out, the next thing he knew he was covered in pitch and set on fire. The Courier used his foot and rolled Caesar off the dam.

Mr House - Nicely done

Courier - Joshua Graham Method.

Mr House - I know, Victor told me all about your journey to Zion.

Victor- I sure did, I was protecting you from a safe distance.

Courier - What did I tell you about stalking me Victor

Victor - Just helping a friend in need.

Courier - I was fine.

Victor - A deathclaw nearly ripped you in half from behind, so I killed him. I saved you again.

Mr House - Okay, bravo Victor. Please disconnect from the mainframe.

Courier - Creep

Mr House - I know, he distracts all day.

Courier- So whats next.

Mr House - You need to speak to the NCR rangers on the left side of the dam and kill Lucius and Lanius at the fort.

Mr House removed the mainframe files from the Pip-Boy. The Courier started to walk away into the sunrise on the left side of the dam.
It was a rather short walk until he saw an NCR camp. Just a few rangers smoking cigars, playing poker. They knew they had won, well the Courier won, he was the one who killed Caesar and pushed the rest Legion back to the fort. The Legion vowed not to return so NCR accepted The Courier as a Chief although Mr House did not approve of this. The Courier came closer to the NCR camp. A fellow chief, Chief Hanlon dashed over to The Courier.

Chief Hanlon - Dude, you did it. He is really dead, I cant even believe it. I am so happy.

Courier - There is no need to take your job so seriously you know.

Hanlon - My job has nothing to do with it, Caesar had me crucified for almost a hour in Nipton before NCR saved me. I nearly died, they killed my wife and my daughter. So dont tell me not to take my job so seriously. It is all I have left of my old life.

Courier - Oh, im very sorry. I didnt know.

Hanlon - Well think before you speak, and maybe I was too harsh too.

Courier - So what do I do now?

Hanlon- President Kimball asked for you personally to take a package to Mr House.

Hanlon handed The Courier the package, Hanlon hobbled back to the camp while other NCR rangers at the camp shot him with bb guns. They laughed as Hanlon furiously shouted at them. The Courier left Hoover Dam and sat on a makeshift bed around the other side of a large rock. He opened the letter......


Dear Mr House,

I am reviewing the situation of our rivalry,
I cannot remember the reason all of this
started but for 10% of the earnings from
The Tops Casino you can keep using the
dam to power The Strip. I would like you
to consider this, not just for your sake
but for the three families and the future
of the Mojave Wasteland. Please contact
me soon with your answer. Oh and dont
have me killed because the NCR will have
the strip blew up.

Yours Sincerely,
President Aaron Kimball.


The Courier could tell that Mr House would be annoyed but no matter what, The Courier would never kill The President after all he did for the NCR and the Mojave Wasteland. But he wondered why The President would blow up The Strip, everyone would leaave the Mojave Wasteland because there would not be anything for the inhabitants left to do or to go to relax. The Courier started to trek back to Freeside.


This post has been edited by cammi on Thursday, Jul 19 2012, 15:59

[cammi]

Raiders, Robots and Robbing

There was a bad atmosphere in Freeside, The Courier didnt know what was going on. Residents stared at him pretending not to be. He just carried on walking, he heard a voice.
Pacer – Hey you, go see The King. He needs you right now, its urgent.
The Courier quickly entered The Kings School Of Impersonation. Pacer let him in to the main room where The King was up on the stage singing with Elvis. The King stopped singing immediatly after he saw The Courier, he jumped off stage and Rex followed.

King – Hey Big Guy, some raiders have took up the old NCR food supply building, they are threatening everyone. Go sort them out.

Courier – Do I have to.

King- They got your friend, Arcade Gannon. Got him making stimpaks for them.

Courier – That draws the line.

The Courier left the school and searched Freeside until he found the building and went in. A few raiders were in the first room. The Courier pulled a small energy weapon and shot the first one in the head. He shot the second one in the foot and his whole leg disintergrated. But the third and final one took cover behind a neatly stacked pile of Nuka Cola. The Courier would not waste his favourite drink, he made a run at a desk and kicked off it. While airboure he pulled out a machete. He flew straight over the pile of Nuka Cola and lodged the machete into the last raiders shoulder. The Courier landed and filled a duffle bag with the Nuka Cola and some Stimpaks that were lying around.
He heard a screech coming from inside a cupboard. It was Arcade, he was being used as a human shield by the lead raider of the operation. The Courier, in a rush, threw the machete like a boomerang. It sliced the raider in half and came back to The Courier who wiped the blood on his duster coat and sheathed the machete along with the energy weapon. Arcade tried to catch his breath while The Courier helped him out of the partially destroyed building. As they left, residents of Freeside smiled and cheered at them.

Meanwhile, back at the school. The King waited for some news of the expected death of The Courier. Suddenly, The Courier and Arcade burst the door open with out a scratch on them.

King- Whoa, you are alive.

Courier- What did you expect?

Arcade- Yeah

King – Im just surprised is all.

Courier- Just a couple of raiders, easy.

King- They looked quite hard.

Courier – Nope, easier than the super mutants at Jacobstown.

King- Maybe so but 'cha gotta understand, im not who is used to be anymore.

Arcade- You dont say.

King – I could still kill you like your a radroach.

Courier- A what ?

King- You never heard of them, there from the Capital Wastlands.

Courier- I have not been there yet.

Arcade – We should go sometime.

King- 4 years ago, a man known as the Lone Wanderer from Vault 101 took control and gave the Capital Wasteland clean water using a
filter system.

Courier- Never heard of him.

King – He killed President Eden at Raven Rock.

Courier – No?

King – Destroyed Megaton.

Courier- No?

King- Wiped out the Enclave.

Courier- No? But Really, the Enclave?

Arcade- Yes really, we should go meet him one day.

Courier- Anyway, I have to go meet Mr House.

King – Come back anytime

Arcade- We will.

Courier - Arcade, you cant come with me to see Mr House.

Arcade- Why?

Courier - You know how he is.

King- Stay here for a while, come and have a sing.

Arcade - Okay then.

Arcade seemed upset about that, he took off his white immaculately clean lab coat. The King tried to keep a straight face, he found it hilarious that a grown man was so upset about not being able to follow his friend. Elvis glanced at The King and just dropped the microphone. He was annoyed that The King had left his duet for some punk. The King heard the microphone drop and his nerves twitched, he fell off his chair. All of them years killing had an effect on his nerves. The Courier exited the school and cautiously walked back to the strip.

The Strip was illuminated, it neon lights basking in all of its glory. All Mr House's glory, all the man who single handedly covered New Vegas during the nuclear war 's glory, all the man who is over 200 years old and is being kept alive in a antechamber and streamed to a mainframe computer 's glory. The tallest casino, The Lucky 38, lit up the whole of the Mojave Wasteland with its yellow roof lights. The Courier approached it. Victor, the friendly securitron with a stereotypical cowboys face on its screen, come rolling over like a tank.

Victor - Howdy pardner

Courier - Victor, has Mr House said anything to you.

Victor - Just that he is impressed with you for the victory at the dam.

Courier - He wont be in a minute.

Victor - Why is that?

Courier- Give him this.

The Courier handed Victor the letter.

Victor - Its been opened

Courier - [SPEECH=20] Hanlon opened it to check it was real before he gave it me.

Victor - Really??

Courier - [SPEECH=30] Why would I lie to you buddie.

Victor - You think I am your buddy

Courier - Yes.

Victor - Great, I never had a buddy before.

Victor scooted away and 10 minutes later Mr House hacked into the Pip-Boy.

Courier - Well.

Mr House - How dare him ?

Courier - [pretending not to have read it] Who?

Mr House - Kimball, I have to give 10% of Tops Casino profits.

Courier - What for?

Mr House - The electricity from the dam.

Courier - But then the Mojave will be dark and depressing if you dont.

Mr House - More than it usually is, and I will die. Nothing will power the antechamber.

Courier - I have an idea.

Mr House - What is it ?

Courier - 1000 caps will tell you.

Mr House - Okay, it better be good.

Courier - Helios One, the solar place. I once repaired it for the NCR and The Followers of Apocalypse. I directed the power to ARCHIMEDES, its a sattelite laser weapon. I could direct it to the strip as an emergency power supply.

Mr House - Great, I will pay you 20,000 caps for it and I will upgrade your suite as well.

Courier - I will need to take Victor as backup.

Mr House - Okay but before you go, steal the "Further Token" from Gomorrah Casino.

Courier - The what token?

Mr House - Its a special token which when inserted into a usb port inside fake gold bar I sent to President Kimball after you saved him at his speech will reveal 500 caps inside the gold bar.

Courier- So what, I steal it and give it to President Kimball?

Mr House - No, you give it to Victor

Courier - Okay then but whats in it for me.

Mr House - I told you, you can take Victor with you on your travels to Helios One.

Courier - Fine, I will do it.

Mr House disconnected from the Pip-Boy. The Courier drifted over to The Tops Casino. He entered and inspected the main floor. Swank at the welcoming desk shouted over at The Courier.

Swank - Hey you wadayawant .

Courier - Excuse me ?

Swank - What. Do. You. Want.

Courier - Oh, speak English next time.

Swank - Dont cha tell me wada do.

Courier - You know what, if you are not going to speak normal then f*ck off.

The Courier advanced to the elevators and took it to Benny's room. He searched around and still did not find the token. He saw a small hole in the wall. He moved towards it and touched it with his finger. It collapsed and revealed a secret small room filled with computer terminals. A securitron came rolling over, he was not like the others. There was not an army face on his display screen, it was a smily cartoon face.

Courier - Who the hell are you ?

Yes Man - I'm Yes man, nice to meet you.

Courier - What are you doing here ?

Yes Man - I am a reprogrammed securitron. Benny reprogrammed me.

Courier - What does he use you for?

Yes Man - He was going to kill Mr House and use me to hack the Lucky 38 and put him in charge of New Vegas.

Courier - So would you do the same for me?

Yes Man - Of course, that's what im programmed to do

Courier - Meet me outside here in a few hours.

Yes Man - Sure

Courier - Do you know what the Further Token is?

Yes Man- You mean this.

Yes Man handed The Courier a small usb device and waved goodbye as The Courier left The Tops. Victor scooted over to The Courier. So The Courier gave him the token.

Victor - Thanks Pardner.



TO BE CONTINUED LATER TODAY

This post has been edited by cammi on Friday, Jul 20 2012, 20:56

[Ziggy455]

What is with the hyphened speech? Is this a Novel? A script? Is a Nipt? Look, regardless of whether I believe you won't even get to 25 chapters, I think you need some information.

"Quotation marks are used to quote speech." Said Ziggy.

Ziggy -Quite sure in the use of hyphens- says that they should be used sparingly and not so rebelliously-common.

A fallout fanfic? Great, what can you bring to make it new? What makes us want to read this and keep reading? Are your characters memorable? Got a good story plotted out?

Here's how a WRITTEN piece of your work should look:

Freeside wasn't a friendly place. It was normally quite lively, but today, something was different, and the Courier couldn't make sense of what it could be. Residents eyed him suspiciously and then ignored him as he got close. He didn't have time for people's mind games, he was here for his own sh*t, and nobody else's. Let them judge all they like, he thought. "Hey! You!" yelled a voice behind him. He turned slowly and noticed a man with a gruff tone standing opposite him.

"I have somebody that needs to see you, urgently." He said with a finger crooked in his direction. The Courier nodded and followed the man slowly. He led him into a building and into a small restaurant like area with a stage up front; The King, along with Elvis, was singing a number with the real King of Rock n Roll. As his eyes gazed down onto the trench-coat that was The Courier, he stopped mid-duet with Elvis and dropped his mic. He jumped off the stage without a thought in the world.

See the difference?

You're explaining too much to the reader. Like WHO is King? Why exactly would The Courier just follow some random guy? You're turning this into an exposition piece.

This post has been edited by Ziggy455 on Thursday, Jul 19 2012, 17:14

[cammi]

Okay, thanks for the advice but I am not good with " " because I always use said instead of creative words like muttered because im not good at remembering things like that. And I will work to make the characters more detailed in the rest of chapter 1

[Ziggy455]

QUOTE (cammi @ Thursday, Jul 19 2012, 17:55)

Okay, thanks for the advice but I am not good with " " because I always use said instead of creative words like muttered because im not good at remembering things like that. And I will work to make the characters more detailed in the rest of chapter 1

Becoming a better writer involves improving your vocabulary. You don't ALWAYS have to state that person said something seductively, muttered a phrase, or choked out a speech. You have to just make the reader aware of who is speaking when.

QUOTE

"What time is the play?" Asked Peter. "Oh, seven thirty," Replied Mary-Jane. She wrinkled her nose and rubbed her finger down his cheek. "You promise to not be late?" "I promise, I'll take the night off early." "Good. I'll see you then." Mary-Jane leaned in for a kiss that Peter followed on. He was so happy in that moment.

See how you don't have to add adjectives for speech and such ALL THE TIME? Also, get a thesaurus and a dictionary. They are cheap, and if you can't, use the SYNONYMS checker in Microsoft Word.

This post has been edited by Ziggy455 on Thursday, Jul 19 2012, 18:26

[cammi]

I dont want to have to change the style on this piece of work but in my next piece after fallout aftermath. I will use it that way.

[Ziggy455]

QUOTE (cammi @ Thursday, Jul 19 2012, 19:02)

I dont want to have to change the style on this piece of work but in my next piece after fallout aftermath. I will use it that way.

Writing is rewriting. Perhaps you should rethink these pieces before you set off into the next one.

[Mokrie Dela]

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Thursday, Jul 19 2012, 21:37)

QUOTE (cammi @ Thursday, Jul 19 2012, 19:02) I dont want to have to change the style on this piece of work but in my next piece after fallout aftermath. I will use it that way. Writing is rewriting. Perhaps you should rethink these pieces before you set off into the next one.

i have to agree with ziggy in this statement.
It's good to see conviction and standing by your work, but in order to improve you need to read over your work, and see how it can be improved. Read it aloud. Read other works, by different writers, take note of how they've done it.
Go to the thersaurus.com and look up "said" - that will give you some alternatives but ask yourself, how did he say it?

Shouted? whispered? Sometimes you don't even need that -

"No" Bob disagreed.

"When?" Bob had no idea what Fred was on about.

I like the idea of a fallout fanfic, but "next time" isn't going to fly over here. "maybe tomorrow" "in a minute" read: "never"

Ziggy's offered some good advice (and i tried to via PM) so I'd say take it. We're not trying to be rude, or to put you down, but to help.

[cammi]

what I have been trying to tell you (but I cant phrase it right). Its not a story as such its part story, part script. Like a sort of play.

[Ziggy455]

QUOTE (cammi @ Friday, Jul 20 2012, 14:57)

what I have been trying to tell you (but I cant phrase it right). Its not a story as such its part story, part script. Like a sort of play.

Nobody wants to read a part story part play; although it has been effectively used by novelists, in order to turn this into a script, you have to learn the fundamentals.

[cammi]

I am only 15 years old, I dont know what fundamentals are.

[Ziggy455]

QUOTE (cammi @ Friday, Jul 20 2012, 15:23)

I am only 15 years old, I dont know what fundamentals are.

When I first came here I was fourteen. If you search my username, you will see some of the first pieces of writing I uploaded to this site. I was awful. My punctuation was virtually displaced or lacking, my grammar was poor, and my stories were like yours. Rehashed workings of failed plots. I learnt a great deal to start me off in this beautiful craft. I learnt from criticism, I got pissed off occasionally, but I stuck at it. My knowledge improved and now I can write coherent sentences, I can write stories. I have a lot of people here to thank for that, and it's why I want to be a writer. But you can't blame your lacking knowledge on your age!

If you want to get better, all you have to do is keep reading, keep writing, and find something you want to write.

[cammi]

I know but I would like to carry on the style in Aftermath.

[cammi]

sorry for double post.

PROLOGUE= finished
CHAPTER 1 = finished

chapter 2 starting tommorow

[cammi]

sorry again for post but what would you like to see next,


Courier kills Mr House
Courier kills Yes Man
Courier kills President Kimball.
President Kimball has New Vegas Strip set on fire.
Courier finds a new companion.
Vince takes over New Vegas
Courier takes over New Vegas.
NCR takes over New Vegas
Lucius and Lanius take over New Vegas
Lucius and Lanius rebuild Caesars Legion and attack the dam again.
Courier wipes out NCR
Brotherhood Of Steel rebuild
Powder Gangers vs Courier for The NCR Prison.

[cammi]

People don't like the style I have used for this piece,


"

John:Hey
Karen: Hey
John hugged Karen and they got in her Chrystler. They laughed and drove away
Karen: Its nice to see you again
John: Same.

"

I wrote it like that, I am going to cancel this piece. I will work to get better at writing like everyone else. Soon, I may be back with my own story, not a fan fic. It will be in the same style as everyone else, and it will be a lot more detailed and more descriptive.

[AceRay]

QUOTE (cammi @ Sunday, Jul 29 2012, 05:32)

I wrote it like that, I am going to cancel this piece. I will work to get better at writing like everyone else. Soon, I may be back with my own story, not a fan fic. It will be in the same style as everyone else, and it will be a lot more detailed and more descriptive.

Script just can't give you much description in your dialogue so I'm glad to hear that. Good luck with the new piece.

[cammi]

Thanks it will be a bit like GTA but insane and full of stunts and twists. I have the basic idea. One mission will be one chapter.

My trailer would be:

4 second shot of a man jumping off a city built in the sky on poles and landing in the sea. A bit like god of war

5 second shot of a different man hitting golf balls off a gunned plane on an aircraft carrier in the sea like on I Am Legend but there is a very small city with about 5 skyscrapers and a few small buildings and a sign like the hollywood one on a hill but it says " New Carrington Island" in sight.

6 second shot of a prisoner in a cell, he is covered in tribal tattoos. A guard walks by with an assault rifle, the prisoner grabs by the neck through the bars. He strangles him, takes his keys and lets himself out

5 second shot of the man in the sea after jumping in to the sea. He can see a lot of small islands and boats and ships etc.

7 second shot of the prisoner walking out of the cell, he picks up the assault rifle as many riot guards surround him. It zooms out of the tiny cell window it shows a maximum security prison island.

8 second shot of a millitary man on a peak of a cliff shooting millitary boats with heavy artillery cannons.

4 second shot of the man on the aircraft carrier falling to the floor as the aircraft carrier took off and hovered into the air. The city in the sky is also in view aswell as a the skyscrapers on New Carrington Island.


That is all so far.

[Wipex President Mike]

Hey dude, as a writer who knows his way around his own Vocabulary, I say don't listen too much to people like Ziggy, theres too many people like that on this forum, that'd sooner bite your head off and subtlety mock you by constantly trying to pile you with tips.
Whilst some of these tips are fair and good in their own ways, Writing is a creative avenue to walk, and in this respect... You writing like that will eventually transform your work into something unique and cool to read, Not everyone has to like it, especially the fogies.
Seeing as you're already into writing then I trust you'll pass your English/English Literature if you are still in Education.
The very fact you write in Vocal columns is indicative of the possibility you could become a script writer, for film or TV.
I think some of the writers on here need to open their minds to the possibility of different styles of writing, instead of expecting just to read what THEY want.
Typical GTAForums imo.

This post has been edited by Wipex President Mike on Sunday, Jul 29 2012, 18:33