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 How to improve some fight scenarios

 creative advice
 
ViceCityMobster86  
Posted: Saturday, Jun 23 2012, 23:07
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One crazy mofo
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On another site I am on I post GTA related fight scenarios with a bit of a set up. They are decided by vote who wins each fight. I am considering how can I improve these? There is a bit of a lack of interest in my fights.


The Postal Dude escapes from a Prison Convoy that was attacked by members of the Haitian Gang he steals a Colt M15 Pistol from a dead cop, and a Tec 9 SMG and pocket knife from a dead gang member. Now on the lose in Vice City, TPD begins rampage through Vice City. He quickly steals a car and heads and looks for a place to shoot up. He soon crashes his car into the doors of the North Point Mall in Vice City. He quickly opens fire on a security guard and several civilians, killing them. He then opens fire on several of the businesses that pay Tommy protection. Tommy quickly is alerted to this and heads to take care of the problem. He grabs an SA80, Colt Python, Knife and body armor from his armory in his mansion. As he speeds to the area, he sees TPD fleeing on foot, Tommy, driving an armored car readies for a drive by to take out this threat to his empire.

Tommy quickly chased down TPD his bullets cutting down the gunman, TPD fell to the ground dead. Tommy headed back to his car and drove back to his mansion. During this time, John Tanner who had recently joined the VCPD was investigating crime and corruption in Vice City. One of the corrupt cops working for Tommy calls him and informs him of what Tanner is doing. Tommy decides to take out Tanner. Tommy has 3 members of his gang join him in an armored Sentinel XS. They are armed with MP5s and Colt Pythons. Tanner is in his undercover car. His car is a modified Romero. He is armed with his Beretta 9mm pistol with a Benelli M4 Shotgun in the car and an AR-15 in back in a case. All have body armor. As Tanner is waiting sitting his car he notices a speeding car approaching him. He readys to make an attempt to escape. Tommy's car keeps up with Tanner's as several bullets hit his tires. Tanner also realizes his radio is out. With his car becoming harder to control at high speeds, crashing his car is very possible. Can Tanner escape or will Tommy and his gang kill him?



Tommy cursed in anger when he realized that John Tanner had, for now at least escaped his attempt to kill him. Tommy contacted several corrupt VCPD members and found out about a second new Detective that has been sent to investigate the assassination attempt. He orders them to begin a cover up, but they request that the Detective in question, Robert Goren be taken out. Tommy and a group of wise guys from his crime syndicate plan the hit. They decide to set up an ambush out in alleyway. Tommy and ten of his some of them on the ground level hiding behind piles of boxes, some in the buildings and some in the roof, Tommy himself was in one of the buildings. Tommy is armed with a PKM Machine Gun (with armor piercing bullets), a Colt Python, frag grenades and a Combat Knife. Three of Tommy's gang members also have these weapons. They rest are armed with M4s, SPAS Shotguns and Glock 17s. All have standard Kevlar body armor. Tommy's armor also has a trauma plate. As they wait they see the Detective drive into the alleyway in his unmarked car. As he enters a van driven by members of Tommy's gang activates its jammers, knocking out Robert Goren's radio. In his car, Robert Goren is armed with a Beretta 9mm pistol, Winchester 1200 Shotgun in his car with an AR-15 in the trunk. He has Kevlar armor with a trauma plate. His car also has some armor. Can Robert Goren survive or will this hit kill him? (He does NOT have to kill Tommy, he just has to survive to win for Tommy to win, Robert Goren has to be killed)






As Robert Goren's car drove down the ally way, Tommy and his men all open fired, bullets tore through the car, may of them struck the Detective. As the guns went silent and the smoke cleared, Robert Goren, one of the few honest cops in Vice City, was no more. Tommy and his gang quickly left the area. Using his corrupt connections in the VCPD, he was able to frame a crooked business man and potential rival for the murder via hired hitmen. With the trail underway, Tommy sat in his mansion on Star Fish Island, watching his work on TV while drinking a Mountain Dew. He got a call from a member of his Syndicate alerting him of a robbery at the Printworks. Tommy quickly went into action. He called up his ally Umberto Robina and two of his hired guns to meet him and to all come armed and ready. Tommy grabbed an AK-47 with armor piercing rounds, his Colt Anaconda,Benelli M4 Shotgun, several frag grenades, and a combat knife. He has heavy armor with a trauma plate included. Tommy mets up with Umberto and his hired guns near the Printworks.Umberto is armed with an AR-15, Mac 10, Colt M15, a ballistics knife and a Combat Knife. He also has heavy armor with a trauma plate included. His two hired guns are armed with L65 Assault Rifles, Walther PPK/S Pistols, Combat Knives and frag grenades. Both have standard body armorThe Robbers, lead by Carl "CJ" Johnson are in the print works, there are seven of them inside the Printworks with an eighth guy on the roof. Tommy sees the eighth man on the roof and via listening in to the the robber's radio's they know how many are in the building, Tommy gets an Accuracy International Arctic Warfare sniper rifle (with a silencer) out of his car and kills the look out, before ordering his men to enter climb a ladder on the roof. The timing of Tommy's shot could not have worked better. As he killed the look out just as he had radioed that all was normal and was not due to radio back for another five minutes unless he saw something, but thanks to Tommy sniping him, CJ's gang now has no warning of what is coming. As the enter through the entrance to the building on the roof, Tommy and his team enter the room where CJ and his gang are, they open fire killing one member of CJ's gang. The shoot out has begun, for Tommy to win, CJ's gang has to be wiped out. CJ does not have to kill Tommy, he can win by getting away.CJ and his gang are armed with Tec 9 SMGs, Colt M15 Pistols and combat knives. CJ and his gang have regular body armor. Who wins this showdown of GTA protagonists?


How can I improve these set ups? I am not the best in the world at this but I would like to improve myself.
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AceRay  
Posted: Saturday, Jun 23 2012, 23:38
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Dissapointment implies that you were somewhat respected before
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For a start, try getting some paragraph breaks in there! Currently, its a few big ugly blocks of text and needs some breaking up. Secondly, the whole thing is basically just "Tommy did did, CJ did that," you really need to mix up the syntax. Finally, this isn't really a story and more like a playthrough of the game, so it wasn't very interesting.

This post has been edited by AceRay on Saturday, Jun 23 2012, 23:40
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