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 Archon Assault

 First of a series of Steve Ashe Missions
 
Rofl50  
Posted: Monday, Jun 18 2012, 13:06
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I bless the rains down in Africa!
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Steve Ashe is an Ex Special Forces operator, now working for The British, American and Russian Intelligence He is tasked tp carry out Deniable operations all over the world. He is now in Syria Protecting a Television Crew filming a documentary, but when the TV Crew is kidnapped and held hostage by a group of insurgents he must make a difficult Decision: Wait for the Authorities to negotiate the situation or Follow his mission out and save them himself.



Chapter 1


Wednesday 21st of March, 2003, 0800 Hours, North East of Syria. The Heat, stench, noise and sheer f*cking Claustrophobia in the back of the Armoured Car were repressive enough, but now the armour was clanging 3 times a second as though the world’s strongest man was playing the drums on the side of our 157 Ridgback. We were being shot at more and more as the Ridgback rolled on,
this could only mean we were getting closer and closer to the target. “sh*t” The Yorkshire driver screamed down my PRR, “there’s a f*cking army of them” The captain screamed so loud I had to lift up the pad on my headset. “Stop the Car you c*nt, You’ll hit The f*cker!” The driver dropped the anchors and we came to a gut lurching halt. “Out, out, out!” The back door was flung open and myself and the captain were straight out, on the ground returning fire at the swarming
Jundies.

Soon there was a much larger bang to my half left, “RPG”. Rocket Propelled Grenades could punch through solid concrete walls, I knew it would just bounce off the skirt of bar armour that the Ridgback had, never the less, we had to move. I was on a 8 month job guarding a press team while they gave some “Harrowing” Report on the current state of Syria. The Captains name was Ray, the driver was Pete, the camera man was Carl and The Reporter was Paul.
“To the alleyway” bellowed Ray Down the PRR. Whilst we ran I reached up to my ear pad and turned down the volume, if I died I didn’t want some Idiot screaming down my ear.

“Steve, go to the Hotel, it’s round the corner and down the street. We’ll keep held off until 2 Yorkshire gets here.” I swung my holstered M16 from around my back, into my hands and off I ran. I got about 2 Buildings down when 3 of the Jundies spotted me and began shooting and screaming at me. I jumped behind a Skip and the frantic rounds either zoomed past me kicking up dirt or hit the skip. I took a deep Breath, Clicked my mini-me to Semi, aimed round the corner shot 5 controlled bursts at them, dropping them.
Tonight, the British army’s 2nd Yorkshire regiment were about to kick the sh*t out of a large group of Jundies controlling the outskirt region of Syria, which is where I was. The Regiments Mission was to do the Break in and ours was to “report” it. Paul Talked, Carl filmed him and I had to make sure they Didn’t get their faces blown off, Snatched or get run over by a gaggle of Bickering Northerners.

It wasn’t easy; when Paul started playing news boy he thought there was some sort of magic shield in between him and a group of angry, armed and agitated Jundies. Sometimes he even thought he didn’t need a helmet or any sort of extra protection, but in this war the Enemy did not give a sh*t if you were a high class officer or a pot washer. If you were British, they wanted you out, preferably after cutting off your head online. The sun wasn’t that high in the sky but it was still chucking out a bit of heat, but not enough to coax me out of my mink-like camo jacket. I gave my greasy stubble face a rub, stood up and ran into a seemingly empty house. Best not to let them know I’m here (it didn’t seem very likely that they’d offer me tea and biscuits.) I reached for my Golok, edged up to the nearest door and put my ear next the chipped, wooden door and heard hushed Jundy Voices.

This post has been edited by Rofl50 on Monday, Jun 18 2012, 13:09
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Mokrie Dela  
Posted: Monday, Jun 18 2012, 14:47
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МОКРЫЕДЕЛA
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QUOTE (Rofl50 @ Monday, Jun 18 2012, 13:06)
Wednesday 21st of March, 2003, 0800 Hours, North East of Syria. The Heat, stench, noise and sheer f*cking Claustrophobia...

PRetty good, though:

Minor formatting suggestion. I think there should be a break here.

QUOTE
Wednesday 21st of March, 2003, 0800 Hours,
North East of Syria.

The Heat, stench, noise and sheer f*cking Claustrophobia...


Unless, of course, it's supposed to be narration, in which case i think it should be spelled out:
QUOTE
Wednesday March twenty first, 2003, 0800 Hours. North East of Syria. The Heat, stench, noise and sheer f*cking Claustrophobia...
But i don't think that much information works as such.




QUOTE
The driver dropped the anchors and we came to a gut lurching halt.

I liked this bit, i especially like the way you've said "stopped". Though i feel anchors shouldnt be plural.

QUOTE
The driver dropped the anchors and we came to a gut lurching halt.
“Out, out, out!” The back door was flung open. The captain and I were straight out, on the ground returning fire at the swarming...

New speech - new line and in moment of action, i find short sentances are better. break them up, keep it as short as possible.

QUOTE
Soon there was a much larger bang to my half left, “RPG”. Rocket Propelled Grenades could punch through solid concrete walls...

Again a little formatting suggestion:
QUOTE
Soon there was a much larger bang to my half left.
“RPG!” Rocket Propelled Grenades could punch through solid concrete walls...

I added an exclaimation mark and changed the formatting.

QUOTE
“To the alleyway” bellowed Ray Down the PRR. Whilst we ran I reached up to my ear pad and turned down the volume, if I died I didn’t want some Idiot screaming down my ear.

Firstly, "PRR" - im not sure what that is - you should establish what it is early on, then use acronyms, or use parantheses to explain.
Also, and this is personal preference, im not sure the bit about turning the volume down works. If they're in open combat, then things would be loud, and the earphone would need to be loud. Also when people are shooting, the last thing a soldier would care about - IMO - would be that. But then, it's your character, im just giving my opinion.

QUOTE
I swung my holstered M16 from around my back, into my hands and off I ran.

I think this is slightly ill-worded.
QUOTE
I unholstered my M16 from behind my back, swinging it round into my hands.
- that might be better


QUOTE
I got about 2 Buildings down when 3 of the Jundies...

I don't like this. numbers should be written out. It looks lazy, and too rushed.
QUOTE
I got about two Buildings down when a few of the Jundies...
- i changed 3 to a few because i think adding a bit of uncertanty will add to the tension and flow.


QUOTE
A few of the Jundies spotted me. They began shooting and screaming at me.



But i dont mean to criticise - i think this is pretty good. A lot of potential but needs a bit of toning up.

Keep it up though, i'll be following this.

This post has been edited by Mokrie Dela on Monday, Jun 18 2012, 14:49
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Rofl50  
Posted: Wednesday, Jun 27 2012, 22:38
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I bless the rains down in Africa!
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I'm going to continue this at a later date. bored.gif
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