There's a couple of really irksome things about the way you wrote this that put me off. There's really no need to fluff up the words and have them as large green text. There's also the fact that you chose to set out the poem in form of two paragraphs instead of stanzas. It seems a bit odd, especially since spacing this out would accentuate your rhythm and make the form easier to follow.
As for the poem itself, several word mix-ups pulled me away from the story you were telling me. In particular:
| QUOTE |
| Get a gun a uniform a fancy hat and of to kill just like that. |
It's "off" but I'm certain this was just a typo. All the reason to revise your work before posting.| QUOTE |
| Wait you hear a whistle they start to run away you here names and screams |
You used the proper version of "hear" only a few words before!There's a few spelling errors but like I said revise and you're set on that business.
In future poems I'd suggest expanding your vocabulary and using atypical descriptions to show your point. Poems are a raw form of expression that thrives on diversity in language and composition, and digging out your own style will make your poems unique amongst the many who delve into the practice. Aside from grammar and vocabulary, I felt like your story broke rhythm several times, but I'm very bad at reading a paragraph with a sense of rhythm.
There was a line that I definitely thought stood out:
| QUOTE |
Stand in line and look fine,
you`ll be a hero in no time |
It's a very clear and concise bit. Throwing a few lines like this in between detailed prose gives breathing room and leaves the statement as a nice segue between parts of your writing. To me, it felt more memorable than most of the poem.
