[AceRay]

Mega Death Pain II: Reloaded

Intro:

This is a story set in the crime ridden streets of Jeremy City (which isn't New York), full of sociopaths, crime lords and corporate lawyers. We follow the story of two friends struck with nowhere to go and nothing to lose; Garrett, who unwittingly finds himself in a bad sandbox game, and Alfred, his annoying man-child friend. Will they be able to rise above the ranks and make something of themselves? I don't know, I'm making this sh*t up as I go on!

Chapter 1: The Exposition

Garrett and Alfred were sitting on a poorly rendered couch in their apartment. Garrett noticed the stench in the air and pondered about his life. How his poorly written back story made him cry about the lack of creativity and how it was an obvious Freudian excuse. Abusive dad, distant mom, driven to crime by lack of money, making him sarcastic. At least the bottle always drowned his sorrows. Maybe he was lucky he wasn't as stereotyped as Alfred, with his unrealistically disproportionately large limbs, crazily naive attitude and without two brain cells to rub together. His thoughts were interrupted, however, when Handsome Tom walked in, striding with his briefcase in his greasy hands under his leather jacket.

"Your f*cking face again, what do you want?"

"Hey, I left a plot device on the roof, where some cliched thugs are guarding it" Garrett sighed. Another fetch quest. It was all Handsome Tom ever had to offer. The only reason they bothered with his crap was because one day he might introduce him to the tough mob boss Vinnie at his club, which was a couple of loading screens away. And now that's been mentioned, I can guarantee that they will.

"Alfred happy. Alfred go get sh*t" Alfred blurted loudly, like he always did.

"Excellent" and with that, Handsome Tom left, leaving the door wide open for them to get out. Alfred bolted from the couch and waited outside for Garrett. He sighed and followed, depressed he had such a two dimensional room mate.

And so they walked up the stairs, their feet not exactly connecting with the steps, when without warning, Ozzie showed up, shouting into his phone. The stench

"For the last time, my name is Lee Henry Oswald. No, I love my country, I love my president... hello, hello?" And with that, Ozzie threw the phone down and stomped on it, only in time for him to lay his eyes upon the duo and lightened.

"Hello Ozzie"

"Good day to you my boys, nice to see you again." Ozzie said. Then he and Alfred made small talk with Garrett annoyed by it. Was the dialogue supposed to be funny and witty? As he started to doze off, something accorded to him.

"Hey, I just noticed something. Despite seeming to be a minor character, you have a unique character model. I guess you'll become important later on" Ozzie, insulted, wavered up a faint smile to Alfred and departed.

They finally got to the top of the building. Jeremy City (which isn't New York) looked like it spanned out forever but was really just a few miles long. Good thing the draw distance wasn't very far. At the end of the building's roof, the goons stood around the plot device.

"What do you want cracker?" one of the goons shouted. Garrett kinda wished that when he looked into their eyes, there was something looking back. It was even worse they all shared the same character model. Better shout something out.

"I'm going to beat you so hard, this story's gonna change to script format."

Alfred: Alfred smash!

Goon 1: You're going down!

[Goon 1 tries to punch Garrett but he hits back so hard, his ragdoll physics glitch. Alfred then dodges Goon 4's attack, picks him up and throws him at Goons 5 and 2. They all die except that Goon 5 is dazed but Garrett finishes him off with a kick in the head. Goon 3, being the last one remaining, is scripted to run away if he's the last one left.]

Garrett: That was easy. Now lets get the MacGruffin.

[They retrieve the MacGruffin and head down stairs. Handsome Tom shows up.]

Handsome Tom: Thanks guys. Standard plot lines tell me to offer the option of meeting Vinnie at his club for more work.

[A a big 'V' shows up on their mini maps randomly.]

Alfred: Alfred go bowling. Alfred see Garrett later.

And then the script stopped. Garrett hears a small jingle play and the words 'MISSION PASSED, RESPECT +' appear in front of his eyes. The mission was over. Now it was time to f*ck around for a little bit. He immediately walks back into his apartment and a mystery container was situated in the middle of the room. It must be that hard liquor he ordered. Garrett downed the whole bottle in one guzzle, to which the colour pallet went slightly green and the camera went slightly shaky. Then everything went black.

It was a dream sequence. If there was one thing that he despised most of all, that made his teeth growl, it was a dream sequence. There was no way to get out of it, just grit your teeth and make it through. A small tear falls down his cheek as he thinks about frustration. After picking himself up, Garrett makes his way through a maze where a baby was crying ever so annoyingly. Then he made his way through more symbolic rooms and finally a small catwalk he had to balance his way across, which took about ten f*cking times. It couldn't get worse.

It got worse. There was a turret defense where all the controls and style change for just one tiny bit which wouldn't be seen again. It didn't make any sense, it didn't add anything. It was though someone just threw it in there to add more variety and for no other reason. It frustrated him, so much.

But then he got there. To the end of the dream. There was blank room with a piece of paper in the center of it. He lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, it revealed the secret of the universe, the secret Garrett had known secretly all along.

He was in a bad, cliched sandbox game. It all made sense. The health bar at the bottom right of the screen, the floating guns, the repetitiveness of the dialogue, nobody having last names. The icing on the cake was all the secrets were discovered in a nightmare level. Then, without warning, Garrett laughed. He laughed at the ridiculousness of his situation.

As he woke up, everything went black as a loading screen appears in front of him. In his sleep, Garrett had accidentally walked into the second mission marker: Meet the Bosses.

[Mokrie Dela]

for the second time this morning I'm confused. Is this a game, or...? "He left a plot device on the roof" It seems like it's a parody of games but I can't figure out what's the game and what's not.

"As he woke up, everything went black as a loading screen appears in front of him." Im not going to pick out grammer or spelling errors or tense confusion (as he woke up (past tense).... loading screen appears (present text)) - and i've done this myself - but i just can't get my head around this. Perhaps there's not enough explanation in the beginning, or perhaps im just having a dumb day, i dunno.

"In his sleep, Garrett had accidentally walked into the second missionmarker: Meet the Bosses."
So is this "game" played in his sleep? Is it a toy-story type narrative following the character of a computer game?

[Ziggy455]

I'm really not seeing the format of this working. Why don't you try writing this in past tense? Stop with the scripts, try something new. Like Mokrie, I'm confused as to what you're trying to do. Is it all a game? A dream? Elaborate.

[AceRay]

Dammit, I was hoping this would drift off the main page and I wouldn't have to comment, but here I go.

I think its lacking a bit of clarity. Its supposed to be a kind of oddball comedy poking fun at Mafia 2, those sh*tty dream levels in Max Payne and crappy fanfics. However, the story kinda flip flops, from Garrett turning into the reader's substitute and the swap to script not as involving as it could have been. Maybe I could revise this later.

[methods]

Your satire works well with this piece. It's a pretty lighthearted parody poking fun at the ridiculousness of some open sandbox games. I do enjoy the poke at the script format as well. Honestly it's not bad, I found it a good read. Don't get discouraged, my only negative is this paragraph;

QUOTE

But then he got there. To the end of the dream. There was blank room with a piece of paper in the center of it. He lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, it revealed the secret of the universe, the secret Garrett had known secretly all along.

I just don't think that paragraph works.

[AceRay]

QUOTE (methods @ Monday, Apr 2 2012, 23:07)

QUOTE But then he got there. To the end of the dream. There was blank room with a piece of paper in the center of it. He lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, he lifted the page in front of his eyes and read it. In it, it revealed the secret of the universe, the secret Garrett had known secretly all along. I just don't think that paragraph works.

Yeah, I wanted it to be like that really absurd bit from Alan Wake but it's kinda hard to read. Maybe if I broke it up into different lines...

Thanks for the praise anyway, if I entertain one person, I've done my job I guess.