[Ziggy455]

QUOTE (tripmills @ Apr 26 2011, 21:25)

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Apr 26 2011, 10:40) I just received a PM from a Tattoo shop telling me that they've denied my apprenticeship position and given it to a woman. Big shock there. Now I've applied to Macdonalds. How the f*ck do you think I feel? Wow. I had no idea that McDonalds offered tattooing services.

Smartass.

It was to show how desperate I am of a career.

[Azriel]

You know what I'm going to use this topic as a vent point for parts of my life I feel sorry about. I may be reveling in my own self pity, but I feel it as more of a way to self express myself I know nobody will probably bother reading over this but what the hell.

I feel pretty isolated these days, I don't feel as if I have many if any friends and no real ones at that. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but there must be something specific I'm failing on, I find it very hard t connect to people in general, maybe that's because I am a little high strung and couldn't just socialize with morons. Or maybe it's down to my OCD which I've had for a while now, it does restrict me in doing a lot of different things and has often spiked paranoia inside of me, thus on my days off work I often spend by myself aimlessly wandering around whiling away my money on novel things with no friends to enjoy it with.

Which brings me to my job, now I know I'm only 19 and I have my whole life ahead of me to change careers (I am hopefully starting a journalism course soon), but my job gives me a headache, I always feel I'm working in a dead-end, thankless and joyless job. Most of my management team are a bunch of nazi f*cktards and most of my colleagues tend to follow the same route. I have a couple of people I'm on good terms with there but to say whether or not they're my friends is another matter altogether.

And finally, my relationship life. I feel it's almost impossible for me to find a girl I'm actually attracted to and get a romantic relationship with her, maybe this is due to physical appearance ( I have put on maybe a stone in weight recently which I am making efforts to lose, to no avail so far).

Heck knows.

/rant

[kamil121]

Hi guys im back. First of all i feel sorry for you guys and since im here i would like to share as well. Well my name is Kamil. Im 18 years old.( dont mind crap my little brother wrote here since i was away like me owning couple of expensive cars) Im a typical teenager, did some stuff i shouldn't have, Got my ups and downs, Anyway i would like to share something that happened to me about 2 months ago.. Well my life is great a got to admit it. I grew up on blocks where time was like on slow down, but then my parents and my family moved to Ireland, dont regert it but something ruined me, I met my GF now ex who i was going out for 5 years with, who i would do anything for , just to find out that she was using me for everything, money, gifts, i spent about 4000 euro on her buying her all the Luis Vuitton and stuff like that. Money doesn't matter to me its just paper, What hurt me the most was when i found out she had another guy who she also was using for money and stuff, I went to talk to him, He had no idea that she was with me, I broke up with her so did he, But i was hurt so much i Got depressed hardly went out anywhere untill my Sister litelary dragged me out of my room for her sons birthday(he's 1 year old btw) She changed my life, Turned out that her husband's friend from Poland has a gorgeous daughter and she came over here for holidays, Turned out her BF broke up with her while she was in Ireland, and somewhere through out the party she started crying, I was told what she's going through i went to talk to her, She understood me and i understoop her, the situation I and her were in, I came back to tell her mother that she's ok and we are goin for a walk, We went for a walk around a park, we were talking she was even more depressed than me, I drove her to her Dad's and while we were just sitting in the car she kissed me said that its great that someone understands her, Few days later we started going out, She came back to Poland but shes coming over here to live with her dad next month so we can be together, We been going out for 1,5 month now and so far we are happy with each other, Love her so much, Thanks guys for the opportunity to share my life story with you guys, It has been a relief to share with you guys. Kamil

[Ziggy455]

If this Topic was a bar, we'd all be sitting at the countertop sipping beer and staring into blank space. Every single on of us.

/me chugs on a beer and stares at the wall.

[finn4life]

QUOTE (Azriel. @ Apr 27 2011, 09:33)

Which brings me to my job, now I know I'm only 19 and I have my whole life ahead of me to change careers (I am hopefully starting a journalism course soon), but my job gives me a headache, I always feel I'm working in a dead-end, thankless and joyless job. Most of my management team are a bunch of nazi f*cktards and most of my colleagues tend to follow the same route. I have a couple of people I'm on good terms with there but to say whether or not they're my friends is another matter altogether

Well your right in your first line, you have your whole life ahead, you don't start at the top, chances are you wil be working some sh*tty job earning money for University, so long as you are pursuing something, if not you will be stuck in sh*t jobs forever, so make a big push towards this journalism thing, not "Hopefully starting Journalism" more like "I will be starting a journalism course."

I can't really help you on the other stuff.

[Gundog]

Feelings... Funny, I haven't talked to anyone about them for a long time.

First, the society. I hate people, with passion. The human race is such a shallow species, and it infuriates, yet fascinates me at the same time.
I hate it how everything today is based on aesthetics. Someone sees a person that doesn't meet their aesthetic standards, and automatically, they're inferior. Also, the media, I can't even begin to tell you about how I feel about that.
Enraged, because people today can't be bothered to read a book, or listen to music that has a message or a story to tell. It's all about facebooks and whipping your hair back and forth it seems...

It seems I hate everything, but no... I love things which society unfortunately either bans or frowns upon.

I love listening to music, but really, it's one of the few things that manages to balance me out, and completes me. Art also, it makes me happy, makes me feel warm inside, but hey, the average Joe of today thinks that this is "faggotry".
Also, I enjoy writing poetry, and indulge in various substances. I smoke weed on a daily basis, and regularly, I use more potent substances, and it's simply my thing, but of course, people see me as a junkie. Drugs fill me with ideas, make me feel whole... I know, it seems sad to a normal person to hear a statement like this, but it's one of VERY few things which actually motivates me. But of course, the society can't fully embrace a person like me...

Sometimes, I also feel very misunderstood, and sincerely, I've yet to meet a person who can see the world trough my eyes.

Holy sh*t, I'm rambling on about now... Um, okay, this was me expressing myself. Not a good thing.

[cidamelo]

I cried literally reading this I know how it is to have a close friend or a family member with cancer. My family has a high historical of cancer, and I almost had skin cancer. It's so sad

[AlexGTAGamer]

QUOTE (cidamelo @ Apr 27 2011, 01:47)

I cried literally reading this I know how it is to have a close friend or a family member with cancer. My family has a high historical of cancer, and I almost had skin cancer. It's so sad

My family blood line is comprised of two main medical conditions, they are:
-Diabetes
-Mental Illnesses
According to my mum either me or any of my two brothers will suffer from mental illnesses when they are older. She has a mental illness and her real mum had one too. Although my mum suffers from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and suffers from anorexia and bulimia as a result.

[cidamelo]

AlexGTAGamer oh there's a lot of people in my family with diabetes and mental illness too!! Like schizophrenia and suicidal tendencies!! When I was younger, I thought I was going to have one of these diseases! There's nothing worst than diseases I hope you don't suffer anything, you certainly don't deserve it!!

[Kirsty]

@AlexGTAGamer
I've read a lot into that sort of thing, apparently it can skip generations, so it's more likely your children may be susceptible to it than yourself. It's worked that way in my family anyway so don't dwell on it too much. Just watch out for the diabetes.

[AlexGTAGamer]

QUOTE (MissCloud @ Apr 27 2011, 21:46)

Just watch out for the diabetes.

I fear my mum has diabetes, she shows all of the signs but she keeps on denying it.

But at the moment I feel very worried, my 4 months old nephew has been admitted to hospital today after having a fit this morning, he is having tests performed on him now to find out what the problem is, we've been told that it is nothing serious but they will keep and eye on him.

[Spider-Vice]

QUOTE (kmlwin.1996 @ Apr 24 2011, 17:09)

I want to open this topic because I want to share my feelings with everyone. Everyone on the forums can share their feelings here. I am very pleased to open this. Sharing your feelings can reduce your sad. So, everyone on the forums, just feel free to share with us. I'm gonna share. MY GRANDPA He is not an actually my grandpa. But I call him like that. I usually call grandpa U Maung to him. He is my grandma's uncle and 87 years old. He is now at hospital. I am so sad to hear his news . He has Liver Cancer and the doctor says "He has only have a little months to stay alive." But when I visit him at hospital, he is nearly dead. He ain't dead but he can't see me well. He can't say well now. Once he was a great man with bravery and strength. But now, he is in bed. He can't move well and weak. He was proud of his strength but now he is very thin, battling with death. I wanna cry when I see him. I love him and he loves me. We are like friends. He teaches me how to live well in human world. When I said about the internet, he looks at me surprisingly and said "You are master of it. Can you show me the internet?" I always want him to show and tell about internet, but I use internet at internet cafe. When I get internet at home, he becomes not well and our family all becomes know he has Liver Cancer. He has to live in hospital till he is dead. I always want him to go around the world and show him everything. But now, if I can, but he can't. I don't cry outside but in my heart, there are tears. I want to cure him as I can. I want him to see Shwedagon Pagoda and say the prayers for his own good. We are Buddhists and we believe afterlife. As our god Buddha says "If you lives, you will die". Anyone in this world will die oneday. Noting and no one can stop the death. The only way to freedom is Nirvana, where there is no life so no death, no pain, no trouble. There'll be no life. Death easily comes. Buddha said "Before you stretch your bend hand, you can die." Buddha also died. So, I must know that everyone will die and I will cure my grandpa U Maung for his relieve of his pain. U Maung will die one day. I will die one day. All of us will die one day. Noway to trick death. So, every night, I say my prayers and tell to U Maung in my mind, "Live as well as you can". This is my story of the day.

I'm usually serious around these forums but I agree, this was one of the most heart touching posts I've ever read at GTAForums! I'm extremely sorry for your grandfather, I do hope he survives for longer and you'll always know him as a hero in your life.

[SIKKS66]

QUOTE (Typhus @ Apr 25 2011, 00:05)

When my Grandfather was alive, I was a little boy. I'd sit on his knee and he'd always read me a lovely story about cops and robbers. One day, I'm round my grandparents house and he's telling my Uncle about this rash. Next thing I know he's in the hospital. And then, BAM! Dead. Just like that. And I don't feel a thing, no, I don't mean that as some 'Look-How-Evil-I-Am' plea for attention, I really mean it. My family's all sad and I just don't get why. I have to feign sorrow.

I can actually sympathise with that. I can still remember when I found out about one of my grandfolks. Happened about 4-5 years ago I think. My mum and dad rush off in the middle of the night, me sat there playing World of Warcraft (yeah...). Took me a while to realise where they'd gone, my grandad had been ill but I just didn't connect the dots. Dad rings me, "he died..." he says over the phone. "Oh" I say, "okay" then we both hang up. They spend the night with my aunts and that at my nans house, I sit there thinking "Well... that sucks". Back on WoW I tell my game buddies (including a couple of guys I knew in real life from school) what happens then I kinda just carry on playing, kinda empty. I don't really feel anything.

All the way up until and during the funeral I don't really get upset. Still haven't. All the family around me is in tears but I just don a glum face and think "Hmm...yeah. This is strange..." a lot. If it was an open casket or someone I knew better (I saw him every few months but no real conversations other than the odd "so what you up to these days?" sh*t) I'm sure- I'd like to think- I'd show a bit more sadness but it was all a very weird experience. First family death and that. My composure and lack of grief, it was weird (as bad as it sounds, I think I got more teary eyed watching the wrestler Edge retire the other week than I did during that funeral). I guess it's true, people mourn in their own way. I think the whole experience made me grow up a bit...

Hmm.

[trip]

QUOTE (MissCloud @ Apr 27 2011, 21:46)

@AlexGTAGamer I've read a lot into that sort of thing, apparently it can skip generations, so it's more likely your children may be susceptible to it than yourself. It's worked that way in my family anyway so don't dwell on it too much. Just watch out for the diabetes.

Exactly.

My one grandfather had diabetes. Bad to the point where they started amputating his toes, then foot. Me and my sister would be the next generation susceptible, but thankfully neither one of us ended up with diabetes. Now the mental illness is a different story that we will need to watch out for - that runs in both sides of my family.







Even though my parents had me when they were pretty young, it is getting to the point where I am going to have to accept that they aren't going to be here much longer. Kinda weird.

[Mr.Mister]

This past year has f*ckin sucked, ive had 3 friends lives taken away from other dumb f*cks.

Other than that, life is alright. I've got money, im going to graduate highschool, and im legal in 35 days.

[Butters 2011]

Not sure if anyone will actually read this 'cos it's me, but ah well, I feel easier expressing myself on a forum then I do in real life. It might look like I'm in self pity, which maybe I am, but when you have spent your whole life not been able to talk to anyone, then you just bottle up.

On the subject of the cancer, I lost my mum to it a couple year back now. She started off with Breast Cancer, and after a year, she was in the 'all clear' remission part. During this part of her having cancer, I probably seemed like the most selfish bastard ever, simply because I wasn't aware of how serious cancer could be. I heard people get it, but like all diseases and illnesses, you never fully grip how serious it is till it hits you hard, and that's what it did to me. Whilst she had it, I was just living my life as normal, or as normal as I could get (more below). Anyway, a few months after the all-clear, she was diagnosed yet again with cancer, but this time with two; cancer of the lungs and cancer of the liver. Funny thing is, yes I know it spreads, but she never smoked and hardly had a drink. During this time, my life got even worse in my own life, but having this on top was horrible, and made my life go into hell. I helped her out as much as possible, but sometimes you break down when your mum is asking such simple tasks as getting a glass of water from the room next door, and you finally realise how bad it is. Few months later and I was living at my sisters house due to some sh*t going on, and I had run away from her house aswell, but when I got back, I saw my sister dressing her kids and telling me my mum was dieing...again, it didn't hit me 'cos I thought she meant dieing from worry at me going missing (may sound stupid, but my mum pushed herself hard till the last day, and noone would guess she had cancer, so to everyone she seemed fine). I then got told to put my coat on and wait for the taxi, so went to sit outside and wait...at which point my brother in-law comes out and says no taxi is on the way 'cos she had passed away.

At this point, my life took an even worse turn. I tried killing myself a few times, but failed 'cos I got scared at the last minute. As I said in the other topic, one time was by tieing a tie round my neck, and I felt woozy at the time I took it off. I was also rushed to hospital from a drug overdose. At that time, suicide felt like the best option ever. Thing is, suicide has been on my list for quite a long time of my life.

As a kid, I was the shy, quiet type. Didn't touch drugs, didn't smoke, didn't drink, and instead of nude girls on my wall, it was pictures of Zelda, Mario and sh*t like that. My brother mocked me and ripped them all down, and put loads of girl clippings up. I also didn't have any friends, but I didn't know this at the time. I thought everyone was good mates with me, but little did I know they just had me around to mock me and take the piss. With me been soft, I would do anything to please them, like arson and other petty crime. I was failing school due to me having a lack of attention, so was having a hard time off my family, and the only one I ever really spoke to was my mum. My dad threatened to beat me up at times, whilst my brother hated me because of how much of a failure I was.

Anyway, left school with 3 C's and failed everything else, and went to college to study ICT, and which my dad was pissed because I was throwing my life away and just going to college so I didn't have to work. After a yera and a half, I dropped the course as my dad was doing my head in, so yet another thing I failed at.

I then found a group of 'mates' in a rough town, and this is where I changed. I started drinking, doing drugs, smoking and sh*t loads of crime. The day would see us getting high on whatever drugs we could afford, then stealing cars and sh*t like that. Thing is, I never did any of the crime, was always just an accomplice. Anyway, I ended up moving in with a GF, who then cheated on me 4 times, so at this point I had to move out, and I couldn't move back home as my parents had sold the house due to cancer, so ended up renting a house back in the rough town...worst mistake ever. For 2 weeks, the house turned into a junkie den with stolen furniture. I was 24/7 not sober, and hated it so much, but I had no choice. One night I tried standing up to some lads who had broken into the house, and they threatened me with some brass knuckles; at which point fortunately the police turned up.

Anyway, lost the house, but to add salt to the wound, my landlord stole all my stuff and threw it on the tip, so I was left with absolutely nothing. I didn't really have much left anyway since my 'mates' had trashed everything, een using personal photos for roach material. I was living on the streets for a while, and this is when I was jumped on so much that I passed out for a while. That night I actually thought my life was going to end, 3 big lads jumping on me, kicking me in my head and them jumping on head whilst I was on the floor. At this point, moved into my sisters house, and this is when my mum passed away as mentioned above.

This, mixed with the fact that I was nearly locked up for years after a shop robbery, made me change my life.

Only problem is, I've had my lifed lived for me for so long that I've forgotten who I truly am. I'm confused about everything, from sexuality to other sh*t. I get mocked by everyone I have ever met. I even moved to a completely new town and left everyone behind at 21 to start fresh, but was attacked with a stun gun whilst working in a pub, so suddenly became hated around here due to him knowing people, if ya get me. So now the only way to speak to people is online, as I've lost all trust in people, and I don't ever see my family, of whom I've started talking to on FB, and I feel like at times I just want to end things.

23 years and all I've become is a failure. I get jobs and get sacked for no reason (no joke). I can't talk to people because all they do is mock me. My family still think I'm a waste of space (saying it to me nearly every week). I have noone to talk to. I have sh*t posture due to been bullied all my life. I've even started self-depricating myself, and this gets me more depressed.

Am sorry for rambling on, especially since no-one will read this 'cos again, it's me, but ah well, I wanted to put my feelings down, and it's the only time I've really done it, so excuse any rambling.

Anyone else gone through a smiliar period in their life, and any tips on what I could do?

[Typhus]

QUOTE (Butters 2011 @ Apr 30 2011, 18:08)

Anyone else gone through a smiliar period in their life, and any tips on what I could do?

I did read that and whilst I don't feel any pity for you, I am disgusted that people would treat a homeless fellow such as yourself in such a manner. Jumping on your head? Why on Earth did they do that? Just for fun, probably. Yes, you've had a rough life, and seen the cruel nature of the world up close and personal.

And like so many other people your misery seems to stem from trying to live for other people. You tried to live for your Mum and Dad, they were just disappointed in you. You tried to live for the prospect of having friends, they mocked you. Hell, you even tried to live for some woman, she cuckolded you mercilessly.

Sir, you need to live for yourself. Selfishness is no vice, not after a man has suffered as you has suffered. Take solace in the fact that you have reached rock bottom, who else knows what that's like? You've seen the worst humanity has to offer, you've experienced things most people spend their miserable existence dreading. You don't have to be a slave. And love is what has made you a slave up until now.

You're right to abandon hope in others, there are no really good people out there, everyone is rotten inside and filled with gnawing, wriggling maggots. If you continue to try and court the approval of morons and Philistines, you will do nothing but relive your misery and revisit all those bitter feelings of alienation and failiure.

When you live for yourself, you define success. Indeed, when you live for yourself, you can judge when you have and haven't failed. You are your own master, in charge of your own fate. Don't be a puppet, stay the course and go for your dreams, leave all those detractors in the dust. Reject alcohol, durgs, tobbacco and sex. All the things that turn your mind into a flophouse. Be your own man and you will find what you're looking for.

[LuisBellic]

I feel like nearly everyone in school hates me. IDK why.

But with good news some dude tried hitting me and put him on the ground. Im happy because I used to take sh*t from people and not do nothing about it because I was too scared.

[Pedochu]

Every day of this past week I've been having more epileptic fights, with lead me with what feels like cognitive damage. I have a history of seizures and I'm afraid they'll come back in April/May every year, as is my history. My sister broke her foot too. Coming down the stairs. Maybe her arthritis will one day get the best of her.

[TheCacti]

@Butters,

Thanks for sharing your story. Your failed suicide attempts come across as clear cries for help. It sounds as though you really want to carry on but you're finding difficulty in communicating the issue and your feelings in person.

That sucks about your family (calling you "a waste of space"). Families ought to always be a source of support for each other, but I disagree with Typhus when he says "there are no good people out there." There are. You just haven't been putting yourself in the right places to find them. Have you tried seeking support groups within your local community? I'd imagine you'll meet a lot of people similar to yourself there, and you may make some decent friends knowing that you have likely shared many of the same experiences and whatnot.

I'd say the best thing going for you at this point is that you're only 23. You've still got a long life ahead of you and time to find your true self, and ultimately be happy. Just don't wait too long to take action, life can go by quickly. Carpe Diem.

Lastly, it sounds as though you have a lot of built up emotion but don't express yourself often. Have you ever tried venting your feelings through the arts: drawing a picture, playing a song, writing a poem? Perhaps it sounds silly, but you just may find art to be the medecine that alleviates your pain while also offering you a chance to discover something new and profound about yourself.