Grand Theft Auto III: Vice City The Opus Finale To The III Saga
Posted: Wednesday, Feb 9 2011, 14:56
The Erotic Neurotic
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
2002. The thrill of the new millennium is gone. Discouraged by the Y2K farce, the rest of the country has gotten over the novelty of a new century. Only one city is still banking on it as a opportunity to turn things around.
Vice City. Beautiful beaches clash with grimy ghettos as the spires of a tropical metropolis tower over them. Conflicting diversity and a buckling economy burden its citizens. Having once prospered in the 1980s and nearly crumbled during the 1990s, a desperate town struggles to revitalize itself at the turn of the century as both unemployment and crime reach a staggering all-time high.
Having accumulated a lot of wealth and a lot of heat, Claude has no choice but to sacrifice everything he has earned to escape Liberty City alive. Looking to partner up with a former employer down south, he attempts to start over in a city fueled by status and violence. With a price on his head, Claude must endure government surveillance, gang warfare, and cutthroat business tactics in order to survive the streets of Vice and rise above the greed, desperation, and murder that consumes them.******
******VICE CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT
WASHINGTON BEACH HEADQUARTERS
Despite not getting paid for overtime, two of Vice City’s finest have the station all to themselves. Deprived of sleep, their eyes are bloodshot and have to rely on coffee if they want to get home before dawn. Commissioner McGinley wants this done by 6AM.
One struggles to lift a filing cabinet up onto the only desk in the office. The other stands in front of a naked bulletin board, silently counting the number of tacks lined up along the border. He shuffles a deck of notecards, a marker tucked behind his ear. With a thud, the cabinet is placed on the desk’s surface. A few deep breaths follow, before enough energy is channeled to pull open the top drawer. As the drawer extends, a lengthy row of file folders emerge—their respective tabs bearing a name.
“Let’s get started.”
Bob’s reaches up towards the top of the bulletin board, two tacks tucked between his fingers. He presses them into a placard reading “VICE CITY CRIME TREE”, pinning it to the board. The marker is pulled out from behind Bob’s ear, the cap pulled off with his teeth. Bruce runs his fingers over the stream of files.
“Bruce, give me the file for Ray Machowski
“Just a sec, Bob…”VICE
TREE“Bruce, grab the file for Pinball..”
*Computer technician, wage slave at Anal Techs in Washington Beach
*Without a shadow of a doubt, a virgin.
*Was thoroughly investigated by the FBI for taking part in an online chat with suspected terrorist cells about hacking into wireless networks at the Pentagon.
*Revered for his prowess on popular MMORPG Lasting Dreams.
*The city's #1 purveyor for espionage and surveillance equipment.
*Physical trademarks include oily skin, drandruff, acne scars, and terrible body odor.
*Has been arrested for acts of cyber-bullying and harrassment.
*Always has bail posted by Ray Machowski.
*Feuding with various Vice City yuppies presumably over a girl.
------------------------------ “Bruce, get me the file on Dana Carter..”
“Here you go, Bob..”
“Bruce, get me the file on Valerie Price..”
“Hang on a sec, Bob…”
“Hand over the file on Giorgio Forelli..”
“Bruce, grab the file on Tommy Vercetti...”
“Comin’ right up…”“Need the file on Mercedes Cortez-Vercetti, Bruce..”
“You still looking for a roommate, Bob?”
*Wife of Tommy Vercetti.
*Daughter of Colonel Juan Cortez.
*Urban legend in Vice that she was the star of various adult films put out by Interglobal Studios. None on DVD, though. VHS copies go for atleast $100 on E-Barter.
*Once a wild child with a knack for partying, now fully enveloped by motherhood.
*May have smoked during her pregnancy.
*Addicted to the worst drug of all: shopping.
*Suspected of credit card fraud.
*Once caught stealing $10,000 worth of clothes from Didier Sachs.
*Strongly believed that she hasn’t done a hard day’s work in her entire life.
*All surveillance photos we have are incidentally of her sunbathing.
------------------------------“Bruce, Laramie Vercetti’s file…”
*Daughter of Mercedes Cortez-Vercetti and Tommy Vercetti.
*13 years old.
*An only child; spoiled rotten.
*Enrolled at Bullworth Academy, some extortionately priced boarding school up north.
*Only misdemeanor on file is cheating during a game of Grottoes and Goblins
*Wants a Degenetron 650 for Christmas.
*According to wiretaps, finds boys to be “gross.”
*Recently diagnosed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
------------------------------“Bruce, hand me the file we have on Candice Shand...”
“You ever been in love, Bob?”
*Formerly known as “Candy Suxxx”; premier vixen in the adult film industry during the 80s.
*Career buckled after allegations of animal abuse left her blacklisted. Who knew the porn industry was so uptight?
*Had kinky affair with former Congressman Alex Shrub at the height of her career, according to Laura Shrub’s soon-to-be-released memoirs.
*Still doing bachelor parties.
*Stolen medical records have her listed as weighing 200 pounds, cited as ‘thyroid’ problem. Those close to her cite a ‘needs to buy a Dormatron’ problem.
*Bulemic. Certainly doesn’t look it.
*Placed a number of 911 calls, threatening to commit suicide over the last few years.
*In hot water with Vice City bikers over money purportedly stolen.
------------------------------“Bruce, can you find the file for Larry Tobolowsky?”
“Sure thing, Bob..”“DOCTOR DIABLO” LARRY TOBOLOWSKY
*Down-and-out professional wrestler, about a hundred miles past his prime.
*Hopes for one last shot at the big time.
*Former Intergalactic Wrestling champion. Had an epic cage match with Thunderbeast at Hyman Memorial back in ’92. You guys see that?
*Years of steroid abuse have left him bloated, balding, and prone to heart failure.
*Belligerent. Suspected of domestic abuse.
*On-again, off-again boyfriend of Candice Shand.
*Arrested for possession of cocaine en route to speak at an Anti-Drugs seminar.
*“Born again,” courtesy of Pastor Richards.
*Somehow linked to Los Cabrones in Little Havana. Most likely drug related.
*Not an actual doctor, best of our knowledge.
*Surveillance shows him wearing his wrestling tights out in public.
------------------------------“Going to need that file on Pastor Richards, Bob…”
“Got it right here..”PASTOR RICHARDS
*Maniacal preacher with a lust for condemnation and money.
*Operates out of the Pastor Richards Sanctuary for Worship and Donation, monstrous dome located in Little Haiti.
*Advocate of fascist-like immigration laws.
*Preaches about the Rapture, hellfire consuming the town, splitting the ocean in half with his own willpower and leading the saved to safety. You know, stuff for the kids.
*Denies claims that he’s suffering from Dementia.
*Suspected of stealing and collecting firearms for personal armory.
*Warring with Haitian gang members and activist Eduardo Bel Air.
*Heavily rumored to be planning political campaign of some sort, God have mercy on us.
*Famous for conducting mass baptisms and spewing hateful rhetoric.
*League of followers includes VIPs, bums, ‘born again’ rockstars and athletes
------------------------------“Hand over the file on Provolone…”
“Just occurred to me that you have fantastic bone structure, Bob..”PROVOLONE
*Haitian gangster. Big mouth on this guy, but he backs it up.
*Birth name is Monty Ray.
*vindictive of the city’s lack of support for the Haitian community. Oh, boohoo.
*Always armed and extremely dangerous; famous for his short fuse.
*Known to butt heads with Eduardo Bel Air.
*Arrested for loitering outside Pastor Richards’ Sanctuary for Worship and Donations
*Despite notoriety, has much support in Haitian community.
------------------------------“Got the file on Eduardo Bel Air, Bruce?”
“Anything you desire, Bobby boy…”
EDUARDO BEL AIR
*Leading activist in the Haitian community
*Pet Peeves include: injustice, discrimination.
*A proverbial thorn in City Hall’s side since a number of Haitians were forced out of Little Haiti in favor of constructing Pastor Richards’ Sanctuary for Worship and Donations.
*Charismatic and hyper-intelligent. Reads a lot. Not the sports page, either.
*Devout pacifist and has yet to resort to violence, despite said pressure from members of the community.
*Modestly dressed. Could use a new suit, though.
*Wrongfully accused and tried for practicing voodoo in 2000.
*Speaks both impeccable English and French.
*Lobbying for a Haitian Pride parade to be held annually.
------------------------------“What about the file we have on Dustin Howell, Bruce?”
“Right here, Bob..”FBI SPECIAL AGENT DUSTIN HOWELL
*VCPD alum, oorah. Now working for the FBI.
*Following his late father’s career trajectory. Seems less than enthused about it.
*Can’t bring himself to move from Vice. Must be the climate.
*Commonly spotted in the food court at North Point Mall. LOVES the #2 on Cluckin’ Bell’s menu.
*Harbors immense contempt for CIA and their ubiquitous presence in the city.
*Seen leaving nursing home where Giorgio Forelli resides.
*Crusading against terrorism.
------------------------------“That all of them, Bruce?”
“Whose is it?”CLAUDE
*Who is this guy?? And no last name? Who does he think he is? Crow??
*Came in on a flight from Liberty. Couple of calls made. According to the Liberty City Penitentiary, was supposed to serve a ten year sentence but “something happened.”
******This post has been edited by NonRetard on Monday, Jun 25 2012, 20:12
Posted: Wednesday, Feb 9 2011, 15:02
The Erotic Neurotic
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
FILE # VI22910VICE CITY POLICE DEPT.CRIMINAL REPORTDATE: May 23 2002
TO: Bureau of Investigation
SUBJECT: Vice City's Radio Stations
DIALING THE POLICE
POLICING THE DIAL
Even if my B.A.C. was .42, I still couldn’t find a way to justify having these on file. Chief insists it’s very vital, though. Just another desperate attempt to profile both potential and noted criminals, brought on by the record crime rate we’ve have. Vice City’s tax dollars at work here. Who am I kidding? None of the boys will read this or use this information. Nor should they; we can only listen to the muffled sound of one another’s voices on the CB. Only at the station can we tune into that assh*le Maury Chavez or whoever the hell, but headphones are not permitted. And I sure as hell am not going to be caught listening to Flash FM by my god damn colleagues. And I’m pretty sure all the radios just cycle through the same list of songs. Listen to them for weeks on end and tell me you haven’t heard the same songs fifty times. I’ll buy you a TUBE sandwich.
The chief thinks some of these stations may be a front for more hedonistic activity. Believes that if we follow the ad revenue, there’s crime to unveil. Not entirely sure about that, but I am sure about one thing: it’s only a matter of time before the Feds try to topple Love and his conglomerate with some Anti-Trust charges. The guy must own every station in the U.S.DJ: DJ KHALED
Vice City’s hip-hop radio station, bombastic and loud and completely full of itself. If we get a noise complaint or reports that there’s an earthquake, more than likely it’s because some jagoff listening to 98.3 with his bass turned up to 11. Hosted by DJ Khaled. Moonlights as DJ for Fat Joe and the Terror Squad (told they’re not an actual terrorist network, just guys who wear a lot of expensive things and croon about their wealth). Khaled is of Palestinian descent. On-air banter is condescending of our fine town and our great police department. No one wants to hear about assimilation, diversity, immigration, and racial profiling—they want to hear Li’l Wayne or that song about whipping your shirt around like a rotorblades of a Maverick. Often when introducing a song, expresses “nothing but love” for the artist and their respective record label. Insists people page in their requests, under the impression the CIA has tapped his request line. Actually, we did that but whatever.DJ: JUSTIN
- Trina --“Pull Over”
- Birdman featuring Clipse--"What Happened To That Boy”
- JT Money featuring Sole -- “Who Dat”
- Gangsta Boo-- “Can I Get Paid (Stripper's Anthem)”
- Ludacris--"Roll Out"
- Wyclef Jean--"It Doesn't Matter"
- M.O.P. --“Cold As Ice”
- Fat Joe featuring Remy Ma--“Definition of a Don”
- Petey Pablo--“Raise Up”
- Mystikal featuring Outkast--"Neck Uv Da Woods"
- Outkast featuring Killer Mike--"Snappin' & Trappin'"
- Khia --“My Neck, My Back (Lick It)”
- Li’l Zane--“Money Stretch”
- Li’l Wayne featuring Big Tymers & TQ--“Way Of Life”
GENRE: POP, ROCK
Top 40 radio station with a wide palette; hasn’t switched formats or concentration ever. Just adjusts to the times and willingly plays whatever sh*tty music kids buy with their parents’ credit cards or download without cost. Erratically cycles through pop, rock, dance and R&B music that it’s almost unbearable. Who the hell is the program director? Hosted by some dweeb named Justin. Guy is bubbly, absurdly optimistic, and brimming with cheer and joy. Clearly oblivious to his crime-laden surroundings. Had V-Rock on the other day while filing paper work and heard the DJ on there refer to him as “that gaptoothed hermaphrodite who needs to shut the f*ck up about the weather!” Does not have a girlfriend, has loser hobbies like collecting vintage Sprunk bottles and butterfly catching. So bewildering. This guy can get any piece of ass he wants—he’s on the radio, for crying out loud. Yet, here he is playing records sung by boybands and discussing board games. I should’ve went to broadcasting school like my dad suggested.DJ: CORPORAL STEPHEN "LINCHPIN" MICHAELSGENRE: PUNK ROCK, HEAVY METALTRACKLIST:
- Pink--“Get This Party Started”
- Joey McIntyre--“We Don’t Wanna Come Down”
- Sugar Ray--“Disasterpiece”
- Willa Ford--“I Wanna Be Bad”
- Christina Milan--“AM To PM”
- O-Town--“The Joint”
- Mary J. Blige--“Family Affair”
- Jessica Simpson--“Irresistible”
- Robbie Williams--“Rock DJ”
- Jump5--“Change A Heart, Change The World”
- American Hi-Fi--“Flavor of the Weak”
- The Pet Shop Boys--“Email”
- No Doubt--“Ex-Girlfriend”
- Nelly Fortado--“Turn Off The Lights”
- Moby--“We Are All Made of Stars”
Radio station specializing in heavy metal/hardcore punk. Hosted by Corporal Stephen “Linchpin” Michaels. Veteran living on disability, claims to have served two tours in the Australian American War. Very pro-military and has signs of PTSD, spurting out phrases and expressions almost like tourettes with no relevance to the song playing. Shows off by dropping a lot of Military lingo and dialect in his on-air banter. Known to dedicate songs to “my boys waitin’ to be shipped out at Fort Baxter!” Yeah, nevermind flak jackets or disposable cell-phones. These guys need songs by satan-worshipping millionaire junkies played in their honor. And we’re ambivalent as to why the rest of the world hates this country? Station is a favorite among racists and white trash. Yes, there’s a difference. HOST: MAURICE CHAVEZ
- The Nerve Agents--“Jekyll and Hyde”
- The Distillers--“Bullet and the Bullseye”
- Queens of the Stone Age--“No One Knows”
- Stone Sour--“Get Inside”
- System of a Down--“Chop Suey!”
- Static-X--“This Is Not”
- Fear Factory--“Hurt Conveyer”
- Fear Factory--“(Memory Imprints) Never Ends”
- Disturbed--“Down With The Sickness”
- Drowning Pool--“Bodies”
- Deftones--“Rx Queen”
- Black Label Society--“Stronger Than Death”
- Unseen--“What Are You Going To Do?”
- Fugazi--“Epic Problem”
(guests subject to change)
- Videogames and Violence-- the impending Fall release of a videogame set in Vice City. Panel included: Bark, The Mercenary-For-Hire, star of the show of the same name on VBC; Eduardo Bel Air; Pastor Richards; and our very own Commissioner James McGinley.
Out of the innumerable amount of people we’ve pulled over for speeding or driving on the other side of the road, not one has had this radio station on. Funded by underwritings pathetically solicited, VCPR is a commercial-free, public radio station. It’s flagship show, Pressing Issues, is the only show. And it’s boring as sin. Except for that one episode in the ‘90s where they gave away tickets to see “The Wizard of Ass.”
- Florida’s Political Stigma
- Recreational Use of Rx Drugs
DJ: HANS OBERLANDER
GENRE: HOUSE, TRANCE
Stands for Vice City-Underground Radio. Plays exclusively House and trance music. Had to have my son explain to me what those were. Sounds like techno to me. Host’s name is Hans Oberlander. Illegal immigrant on the run. Amendments made to the state of San Andreas’ policy on Green Card renewals as well as increasing deportation of immigrants forced this guy to abandon San Fierro. Thinks he’s found a safehaven here. Lambasts his former “home away from home,” but expresses worry that his time in Vice City will be shortlived. Supposedly emanating from somewhere around Escobar International, but we’re not entirely certain. Trying to trace the frequency, at this time. Playlist is the unofficial soundtrack to the new wave of junkyard raves and increasing use of Rx drugs found in the Vice City party scene and night life. Hans is known to frequent said junkyard raves, claiming they’re taking back Vice City from the geriatrics and retirees. Implied by disparaging callers that Hans himself is on the cusp of 40, implications he vehemently denies.
- Deep Dish--“Sushi”
- Paul Oakenfold--“Southern Sun”
- The Chemical Brothers--“Denmark”
- Victor Calderone --“Do It Properly”
- Ian Pooley--“900 Degrees”
- Daft Punk--“One More Time”
- Thomas Bangalter--“Outrage”
- Enigma--“Modern Crusaders”
- Chris Fortier--“Timewreck”
- Ian Pooley--“Since Then”
- Bassment Jaxx--“Where’s Your Head At?”
- DJ Tiesto--“In My Memory”
- Fatboy Slim--“Ya Mama”
DJS: ARTIE AND NANCY MARTLING
GENRE: BIG BAND, LOUNGE
Love Media-owned station catering to those fond of big band, swing, and lounge music synonymous with Las Venturas. The Martlings met and “fell in love” in Las Venturas. Been married for 40 years. Relocated to Vice City after hitting the jackpot at the Camel Toe and consider themselves officially retired. The wife seems to have been a hussy back in the day before settling down, often implying that she was a Las Venturas callgirl and has slept with many people--including a lot of the artists featured on the station. Highly annoys the husband, I’m sure. Especially when recording engineers and card dealers call in to reminisce about her bra size and that trick she does with a chip rake. Maybe connected to the mob, given their fixation with Venturas. We may look into it. If we cared. DJ: DJ DAISY
- Jack Jones “This Could Be The Start of Something”
- Wayne Newton--“Danke Schoen”
- Frank Sinatra--“Bad, Bad Leroy Brown”
- Frank Sinatra--“Luck Be A Lady Tonight”
- Dean Martin--“Ain’t That A Kick In The Head?”
- Dean Martin--“You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You”
- Tony Bennett--“Who Can I Turn To (When Nobody Needs Me)”
- Tony Bennett--“Rags To Riches”
- Louis Prima--“Pennies From Heaven”
- Vic Damone--“Something’s Coming”
- Shirley Bassey--“Big Spender”
- Bobby Darin--“Once In A Lifetime”
- Tom Jones--“It’s Not Unusual”
GENRE: LATIN POP
Radio station solely broadcasting latin pop, either sung in either Spanish or Portuguese. Just purchased by Love Media. Recently made a controversial change in format, firing its program director and doing away with that archaic latin jazz, probably after realizing that the Cuban Missile Crisis happened half a century ago. The station refuses to translate the song titles into English. Where’s the rationale there? Host is DJ Daisy; bilingual and perhaps some other bi-s as well. On-air banter suggests she’s a bonafide nymphomaniac. In between songs, she says pretty provocative stuff: watches VBC in the nude, sleeps with the doors unlocked, takes a shower sans shower curtain with the window open. Just asking for it. Despite the inviting banter, she turns down various overtures made by callers. Either playing hard to get or a giant c*cktease. Big hit with Los Cabrones. The music, too.
- Juanes --“A Dios Le Pido”
- Alejandro Sanz --“Tiene Que Ser Pecado”
- Shakira --“Fool”
- Ketama--“Kanela y Menta” by
- Mana--“Justicia, Tierra y Libertad”
- Fito Paez--“11 y 6”
- Alejandro Fernández--“Háblame”
- Mario Dumm--“Sexy Time”
- Donato & Estefano--“Cafeina”
- Cristian--“Lloviendo Estrellas”
- Enrique Iglesias--“La Chica De Ayer”
- Lucero--“No Puedo Más”
DJ: OWEN OSBOURNE
GENRE: GOLDEN AGE ROCK AND ROLL
Playing music from the purported “Golden Era” of Rock and Roll, the #1 radio station in Vice City thanks to the predominantly geriatric population. Music goes along great with a case of Alzheimer’s. All joshing aside, the station is an emblem of a simpler time: when you and your gal could sip from the same glass of malt without the risk of fist-sized cold sores spreading. Hosted by Owen Osbourne, an affable Vice City resident born and raised in Washington Beach. Birth certificate has him at about the age of sixty-something right now. Refers to himself as the sole purveyor of the only music that ever mattered. Often reminisces about his youth, when a bottle of Sprunk was only a nickel. Offers, in the form of anecdotes, history lessons about the city. Candidly talks about his declining health, sometimes in graphic, unwanted detail. Been known to start talking into the microphone without putting his teeth in first.Often abbreviated on bus ads and billboards as LMST. The proverbial appetizer sampler of the hundreds of syndicated radio programs under the Love Media banner. Not included on the Vice City affiliate station are “Gardening With Maurice” and “Sex O’Clock News.” Here’s what Vice City's commuters are subjected to:
- The Crystals --“He’s Sure The Boy I Love”
- Clarence 'Frogman' Henry --“Ain’t Got No Home”
- The Cadillacs --“Speedo”
- The Shangri-Las --“Remember (Walkin' In The Sand)”
- Little Richard --“Slippin’ and Slidin’”
- Sam Cooke --“Wonderful World”
- Bill Haley --“Rock Around The Clock”
- The Monotone --“Who Wrote The Book of Love?”
- Martha Reeves and the Vandallas -- “Nowhere To Run”
- Frankie Ford-- “Sea Cruise”
- Dion and the Belmonts --“Runaround Sue”
- Duane Eddy --“Rebel Rouser”
- The Cadets --“Stranded In The Jungle”
- Gene Chandler--“Duke of Earl”
- Jackie Shane--"Walking The Dog"
- Fats Domino --“Walking To New Orleans”
- Little Eva--"Locomotion"
[font size=4]FOR DIGITIZED VERSIONS OF THE SONGS POLLUTING VICE CITY'S AIRWAVES, CLICK THIS[/size]******
- CHATTERBOX —Patched in from Liberty City. A call-in show with no concentrated topics or focus. Host sounds sort of familiar.
- PASS THE POPCORN WITH BETER AND REGAL—A radiocast based out of Vinewood. Hosts are Ryan Beter, film critic for the San Fierro Chronicle and Samuel Regal, film critic for the Los Santos Times. These two argue will argue about anything, not just films no one I know has heard of and aren’t showing here. Plus, ‘The Mainframe Defragmented’ was awful. Only reason they liked it was because it was produced by Love Media.
- GUNS AND BUTTER— Hosted by Gene Hensley, former stockbroker and best selling author. Mixes finance with religion. Sort of like spreading agent orange on your morning toast. Given the current economic climate, the show resonates with a lot of people who’ve had foreclosures on their homes and sell their yachts.
****** This post has been edited by NonRetard on Monday, Sep 12 2011, 01:49
Posted: Wednesday, Feb 9 2011, 15:24
The Erotic Neurotic
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
******Been mulling this over for a while. It makes a lot of sense, really. How are we expected to crack down on criminals wielding chainsaws, sniper rifles, and flame-throwers when we're only supplied pistols and shotguns? Need to equip our boys with some heavy artillery. Plus, I'm pretty sure 24 grand is a hell of a deal of a rocket launcher. Only way to fund this: write up as many parking tickets as possible.******
FILE # VI44302VICE CITY POLICE DEPT.CRIMINAL REPORTDATE: June 5th 2002
TO: Patrol Units
SUBJECT: Vehicles of Interest
CALLIN’ ALL CARS (AND BOATS, AND PLANES, AND BIKES..)
This sure beats having to pursue criminals on foot. Budget cuts forced McGinley to put the kibosh on that Wellness Program, which is great because I can’t chase a mugger in this Florida heat. Plus, I don’t have “time” to maintain a healthy diet when I’m working a 14 hour workday for six days out of the week, most of the time forced, against my will, to type up these reports. Chicken fries at Chuckin’ Bell are only 1900 calories anyway.
You can learn a lot about someone by their choice in vehicle. That’s not entirely true. But it makes things easier if you make your living tailing cars, conducting stakeouts, and cracking the headlights of some punk’s Kuruma. Remember that scene from ‘Los Santos Fop’? Where they stuck a zucchini in that one car’s tailpipe? Me and the boys tried that once. Clerk at 24/7 looked at us like we were stocking up for an orgy. Macing him was probably going too far, but we’re the ones who profile in this town.
Keep in mind one thing: carjacking is at an all-time high so the vehicles listed in this report probably don’t belong to the noted owners.
Keep another thing in mind: all vehicles should be approached with extreme caution and a loaded weapon.
-Preferred form of transportation for Los Cabrones. Commuters have reported to seeing atleast twelve of them in one of these things.
-There are known glaciers that move faster.
VERCETTI STRETCH PATRIOT
- You know the difference between a cab driver and limousine driver? A suit.
-Elongated vessel of Vercetti’s Limousine’s Depot. Usually the target of renegade (unemployed) taxi drivers with a grudge to settle.
-What about the recession? Mr. Vercetti insists the $75-per-kilometer fare rate is worth it.
VICE CITY TRANSIT BUS
-A bus is a bus. Wrap your head around that.
-With Kaufman Cabs under and the economy suffering angina, the preferred means of travel in Vice City.
-Bus passes pretty affordable. Not worth sitting next to see someone with a stench of urine, protruding elbows, playing Exsorbeo Advance.
-Four –door taxi.
-Formerly operated under Kaufman Cabs. Now unsanctioned, independently owned.
-“F*CK VERCETTI” spraypainted in blood-red on both sides.
VICE VOICE MULE
-Two door box-truck responsible for delivering the city's most circulated publication.
-Unofficial use includes smuggling contraband and human trafficking.
-Often emanating from Ernest Kelley Memorial Print Works.
RAY MACHOWSKI’S OCEANIC
-Vintage four-door sedan, white-and-orange paintjob.
-Squeaks when moving.
-May be fitted with a police scanner. Who’s selling those things, it’s taking food off my table.
RAY MACHOWSKI’S SPARROW
-Two-door helicopter used for voyeuristic surveillance.
-Expensive. Duh, it’s a helicopter.
-Undergoing repairs at the moment.
-One seat airplane.
-CIA thinks it could be used in some biological attack. Ah, shut up.
-Used for skywriting, flying banners, and other obnoxious publicity stunts.
-Long boat; ornery and slow.
-Mostly used by Haitians and Cubans preferring to forgo obtaining Visas and just drop in unannounced.
-A favorite among smugglers.
DANA CARTER’S MANANA
-Two door coupe.
-Trunk big enough to store a body.
-Two door heavy truck; often used to transport mass quantity of things, mostly prohibited or illegal.
-Sometimes used to transport copters and tanks to Fort Baxter. Sort of pointless. It’s not like someone driving a tank around
is uncommon or anything in this town.
-Sometimes made up as floats for a number of Vice City’s parades.
-Vice City Bikers’ motorcycle-of-choice.
-With side-cart, can hold three passengers.
-Revving of the engine often subject for noise complaints.
MONDO ALVAREZ’S HERMES
-Vintage two-door coupe passed down to every serving leader of Los Cabrones.
-Kitsch flame paint-job.
-Always found on Alvarez’s front lawn. May or may not run. Officer ventured onto premises to inquire, had his tongue cut out. Sucks the pension doesn’t cover that.
LARRY TOBOLOWSKY’S V8 GHOST
-Tacky two door coupe pretending to be a sport’s car. Nobody’s fooled.
-Backseat littered with fast food cartons, used syringes, and dumbbells.
-Exterior just as dirty.
AGENT HOWELL’S WASHINGTON
-Four-door sedan. Classy and fast.
-Issued by the FBI. Howell dropped by the station a few weeks ago, took a couple of us for a joyride. Air conditioning is ace.
-Reported stolen. Uh-oh.
-One of two vehicles of choice for Haitian gang members, including Provolone.
-Often fitted with hydraulics. Classy.
JEFF CHRISTENSEN’S INFERNUS
-Two door sports car belonging to spoiled son of Fruit Computers’ founder Arn Christensen.
-Suspected of being used running down of homeless.
-Steering wheel has hosted numerous amount of coke lines.
-Another favorite among the Haitians.
-Eduardo Bel Air owns one. Sans hydraulics, of course.
PASTOR RICHARDS’ STAFFORD
-Four-door luxury sedan.
-Virgin-white paintjob. Guess the backseat doesn’t get much use.
-Sits in designated parking space outside the Sanctuary for Worship and Donations.
PASTOR RICHARDS’ CLEANSER
-Massive armored vehicle.
-Attached water cannon, used for conducting mass baptisms and ‘blessing’ store fronts.
-How in the hell did he get this??******
******Just my luck. Got a call from a bus boy working at the Front Page Café. Says that two of our guys had lunch there, but left behind some documents that looked “pretty important.” He came by the station to return them (we gave a stun gun for his troubles).
Turns out the two guys weren’t police. CIA operatives, actually. And the “pretty important” looking documents were in fact a report on gang activity in the city. Still conclude that they should just leave and let us do our job. Their presence is so patronizing. “Derr derr doy, derrr terrorism, doy derr derr.” No one cares.
Got to say, though. This saves me a lot of time. Now, I don’t have punch up our own report. If they keep this up and exempt me from doing anymore mindnumbing paperwork, I’ll be sound as a pound. But this goes to show how stupid these guys actually are. For instance, they use black highlighters throughout the report. Morons! How are you supposed to read what’s being highlighted if you can’t see it?
Now, if you excuse me, I got to get home for some well-earned R& R. Bark The Mercenary For Hire’s going to San Fierro tonight to apprehend some drug mule. God, I love that show.
UNORGANIZED CRIME: A Long Overdue Update on Gang Activity and in Vice City, FL
CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY
Washington, D.C.July 2002In autumn 2001, the Central Intelligence Agency saw its investment in the Liberty City-based distribution of SPANK--a compound narcotic produced by the Colombian Cartel—jeopardized by the city’s chapter of the Yakuza crime organization. Admittedly, the interest of the investment was to hinder the cultural, economical, and educational uprising of minorities, gang affiliated or otherwise. The plan was put into action around the spring of 1998 with cooperation from the cartel and, in part, the Triads. Immediately, the drug proliferated thanks to attentive drug dealers who purchased the drug from members of the cartel and selling ounces for double the value. Remote from our intentions, SPANK served as an impetus of the underground movement of Liberty City’s night life, becoming synonymous with factory-based dance raves and increased popularity of house and trance music. It fastened its clutch around the city.
One man was key in the SPANK resistance, albeit for monetary reasons: Ray Machowski. An officer of the Liberty City Police Department, Machowski started off with intent to serve as a contrast of the remainder of the corrupt police force. Eventually it dawned him how futile this was and began to devolve into a professionally corrupt and morally anorexic officer. By 2001, Machowski found himself in the back pockets of co-leaders of the Yakuza, siblings Kenji and Asuka Kasen. Why the Yakuza were vehemently against SPANK has never been established, whether it be out of spite for the revenue it generated or concern for its rumored use among its ranking foot soldiers. After a diligent effort to uncover why the Liberty City Police Department was mum about SPANK, everything was traced back to Machowski. We moved in on Machowski, with intent to arrest. Despite having a blockade on all bridges, boats patrolling all surrounding waters, and conducting a raid on his home, Machowksi was nowhere to be found. Subsequently brought to our agency’s attention was the existence of the Porter Tunnel, which connects all city boroughs and ends conveniently next to Francis International Airport. The gaffe led to the forced resignation of our Chief of Operations and ultimately Machowski slipping away.
After systematically bringing an end to the Yakuza’s operations in Liberty City, it became this agency’s number-one focus to locate Ray Machowski, taking top priority over such matters as terrorism and trafficking. Flight logs were looked at for every major airport in the continental U.S., both arrivals and departures. Over 600,000 flight itineraries were looked at as well as seating charts for a little under a thousand internationally bound flights in the last eight months. We couldn’t pinpoint a location, nor determine Machowski’s trajectory following his escape. The budget funding this investigation and manhunt remains undisclosed, but it is commonly accepted by subordinates as exceeding seven figures, given the paycuts and layoffs that coincidentally occurred. Conveniently enough, Machowski was being investigated by Liberty City internal affairs on corruption charges. Inconveniently for them, Machowski skipped town before the investigation was completed. What is undoubtedly an emblem of the LCPD’s code of ethics and penchant for trying to hide their own inadequacies, 120 pounds worth of files documenting Machowski’s history with the department, records of employment, pension forms, and dismantled office furniture were thrown away and left outside the station in conspicuous black trash bags for garbage men to collect. Naturally, we nicked them before the dump truck made its morning route. Rummaging through the garbage and the tarnished files wasn’t exactly enlightening. Nothing vital was found, with the exception of something of surprising value: Machowski’s rolodex. Most of the phone numbers listed had been disconnected, with the exception of one. Within a week, we had a live wiretap on Phillip Cassidy’s landline phone.
A week after that, we listened to a direct feed of someone sounding a lot like Machowski talking to Cassidy about the weather “here in Vice.” That’s all that was needed. Operatives down the southeast took a gander and were pretty taken aback by how established and blatant Machowski was in his new home-away-from-home. He operates a private investigation firm, throws around a lot of cash at the nearby strip club, passes out drunk on the beach, and eats out a lot using credit cards on which he signs his real name on receipts. Analysts at first concluded he was making an effort to be found but changed their minds as further investigation showed Machowski maintaining a sense of seclusion with a limited social circle and sleeping in his office as opposed to his apartment. One of our operatives is ‘in the field’, having managed to immerse themselves in Machowski’s newly life, slowly gleaning what they can from his situation. Once we are given the go-ahead, an arrest will follow. The goal is by year’s end.
It is imperative reviewing the case that has led to a substantial increase in CIA presence in Vice City. Had Machowski took refuge elsewhere, we would have never been reacquainted with a metropolis we had admittedly forgotten about. Times have changed, as has Vice City. Once the venue to many key happenings in crime, drug trade, espionage, murder, and prostitution during the 1980s, the focus of all the top bureaus in the country drifted away from Vice City. It never really makes sense why. Things unfolded in the Florida based city that deeply affected other parts of, not just the country, but the international chessboard. Sonny Forelli’s murder completely rearranged the mob hierarchy in Liberty City. Colonel Juan Cortez’s skirmish with the French secret service was an international incident that tested this country’s relationship with France. The rise of Tommy Vercetti brought the advent of Vercetti Enterprises, which is, last we thought, on the path to becoming a company of international recognition. We took our eye off the ball and everything went to hell in a handbasket. Why? Maybe the outrageous crime rate and the undisputed reality that Vice City could not be wrangled or controlled. Maybe we just had to distance ourselves from the drug trade undeniably responsible for the city’s economic boom period. In so few words, when we last had a developed interest in the city’s activity… cocaine was the number one commodity, gang leaders were as renown and revered as Jack Howitzer, business was booming; Vice City was the capital of America. Things happened and we turned our backs for 15 years. Now, everything’s different. The question is “What happened?”
There is no universally accepted answer. Our agent currently investigating Machowski has briefed us on many things happening in Vice but the most compelling findings in fact pertain to what Vice City was once infamous for: the gangs. During the downtime happens in the surveillance of Machowski, our operative in the field has made the rounds and fashioned a thorough and sterling analysis and history of gang warfare. This is an exhibit of the greatest skill an operative of our agency can possess: being in the right place and right time. It was about time, too. Last time a study and subsequent report was conducted was 1987. We imagined that a lot has since happened. We imagined correctly. One thing that hasn’t, though: gang loyalty. If you take issue with one member of the listed factions, be prepared to deal with the entire ensemble.
While too organized and legitimate to be categorized as a gang, Vercetti Enterprises is headed by a criminal-turned-impresario. Tommy Vercetti’s infamous past is not just limited to Vice City folklore; it’s nationally embraced and not looked at as a deviation from the norm. After all, the biggest crooks and murderers in the world often carry monikers such as “Chairman”, “CEO”, “CFO”, and “President.” Unlike most gangs, Vercetti’s security force are subjected to an ample payroll plus benefits. Not unlike most gangs, they have their listed territories: all of them subsidiaries under Vercetti Enterprises such as (but not limited to) the Malibu Club, Casino De Palma, Interglobal Studios, and the North Point Mall. Naturally, Vercetti’s mansion on Starfish Island is under their surveillance. They’re equipped with Mac-10s, fitted with tailor-made suits that envelop tacky Hawaiian shirts and adhere to a “No Facial Hair” policy. It’s not much of a surprise to any of us that the guns and the threads are paid for by the revenue generated from Vercetti’s many businesses, as are the Stretch limousines and Cheetahs they pilot. They are without opposition and there is no real threat to them.
Their only nuisance noted is The Squatterz, a swelling conglomerate of Vice City’s unemployed who have taken to petty crimes such as mugging and grand theft auto to compensate for an absent income. With no de facto leader, The Squatterz are not limited to a specific area. They commit their crimes--preferring melee weapons like wooden bats, brass knuckles, and shovels—all throughout the city. Most of their crimes tend to emanate from their former employers. A number have been arrested for loitering at the North Point Mall and the closed down Taxi Depot, often ambushing pedestrians and beating them to death. It’s rumored their preferred venue for corrals is the abandoned Sunshine Autos lot but the Vice City Police Department is hesitant to do anything about it because they remain unaware of the Squatterz’ numbers and aren’t keen on walking into an ambush. Well, that’s the real reason. The reason they’re conveying to the public and the media is that the gang is implementing “squatter’s rights”, hence the name. A Vice Voice crime reporter recently suggested the number is up to 300. Profiling their apparel is a bit hard, given how most of them come from different backgrounds. Some resemble taxi drivers, others resemble ice cream truck drivers. Some don shirt and ties, others aprons and hairnets. It’s the proverbial smorgasbord of income, bureaucracy, and class. A melting pot hellbent on striking back at the economy that failed them.
Los Cabrones is an exclusively Cuban gang that has seniority in the Vice City criminal underworld. Their current leader, Mondo Alvarez, is stoic and seldom seen in public since coming to power in 1996. His rise to the top is the inadvertent result of mother nature. At the tail end of summer that year, Hurricane Ophelia unleashed herself on the city, causing millions of dollars worth of damages, leaving a little over 100 dead and over a thousand injured. Nearly 200 were missing. Among the missing were Umberto and Alberto Robina. The former was the general of Los Cabrones, leading them (well, he never got his hands dirty) in their street battles with both Cholo gangbangers and Haitians soldiers during the 80s. The two were reported dead but legend has it that the winds and the rising water sent both Umberto and his father into the ocean hanging onto the severed head of the toppled Pastor Richards Salvation statue before deciding to swim their way back to Cuba. (Understandably so, this sounds a lot like hogwash but the agency has received conflicting reports that a man resembling Umberto Robina is operating out of an orange stand somewhere on Guantanamo Bay. Nothing on the father, though.). Los Cabrones have no clandestine business endeavors or fronts. Their revenue is the result of one thing: selling illegal pharmaceuticals from Cuba coming in from the docks. This includes painkillers, sedatives, sleeping pills, anabolic steroids, human growth hormone pills, amphetamines, etc. Their clientele is diverse: geriatrics who misspend their social security or have been dropped from their insurance coverage, rave attendees looking to find a new high, athletes who need to pack on a bit more muscle. Even though cocaine is borderline obsolete, they are still known to dabble for their own recreational purposes. They tend not to be too frivolous with their spending, even on coke-induced impulsivity. Dare it be said: they’re quite economical. They drive around Moonbeams, dress in outdated clothing bought from thrift stores, and their weapon inventory consists only of 9mms. Unsubstantiated reports of torturing those who cross them with chainsaws.
In exile from their part of town, The Sons of Little Haiti has two de facto leaders: a hustler with a short fuse named Provolone and a legitimate, ineffective activist named Eduardo Bel Air. Since the surplus of Haitian immigrants gravitated (or floated) toward Little Haiti in 1985, they have not the recipients of respect. Jobs were not open to them so they dabbled in the drug trade under the leadership of unseen matriarch who people often referred to as “Auntie Poulet.” It is commonly accepted that no such person ever existed and at best was a figment of most people who claim to have seen her’s imaginations. Be mindful of the statistics: most people in the Haitian community were consuming a hazardous amount of cocaine and commonly drank a solution referred to as Juju, a cocktail made up of hallucinogens, chicken blood, and citrus. A feud with Los Cabrones hindered their narcotics production in the already overcrowded drug trade. Following that, the VCPD conducted a surprisingly effective crackdown on crime in Haiti, leading to lots of arrests and deportations. A large part of the Haitian community was driven from their slums and shacks after Hurricane Ophelia, not by the storm but by city officials who were monetarily encouraged by Pastor Richards to host the construction of his sanctuary. This was in light of the destruction of his Salvation Statue. By the time the sanctuary opened in 2000, Haitians had been redistributed all throughout the city though most can be located in the downtown area residing in an apartment complex east of Hyman Memorial Stadium. Bel Air is a lawful man, tending to crusade for the Haitian cause without stepping on the toes of the law. The peaceful movement had conjured up a lot of support but when progress was not made, Provolone surfaced. Under his leadership, the violent sect of the Sons of Haiti have been suspected of various gangland style executions of members of Los Cabrones, members of the VCPD, and tourists who made a wrong turn into the wrong neighborhood. Most Haitian gangsters can be profiled by their silk black du-rags and basketball jerseys—indignantly made out of the flag of Haiti. Almost of them speak both English and French. If it’s not apparent already, now is the time to reiterate: there’s lots of dissension in this group.
The Vice City Bikers are a denim-clad, dripping in ink clan of bikers who have terrorized Vice City since the early 70s. Once led by Mitch Baker (current whereabouts unknown, rumored to be in one of the Dakotas), they are without a de facto leader. In the early 80s, a CIA operative once tried to infiltrate their inner circle posing as a pledge. He was drawn and quartered, his carcass dragged up and down the main road until the head perforated. While other gangs have no subsidiaries and just rely strictly on drug revenue, the V.C.B. have legitimate businesses. First, there is the gritty tavern “The Greasy Chopper,” which offers a volatile atmosphere but affordable prices on domestic beers and hazardous bar food. Second, and the most crucial to their reputation—security. The V.C.B. has done security for various concerts and events held in Vice City. From dissuading concertgoers from throwing their hands in the air during Madd Dogg’s stop in Vice City on his 1993 “My Bark and Twisted Fantasy” tour to handling rioting crowds after Camel Hump cheated Thunderbeast out of the IG title, the V.C.B has made a ridiculous fortune maintaining crowds. Most of them are supposedly born again due to Pastor Richards’ ubiquitous influence. That hasn’t seem to suppress their ongoing antics of drinking nonstop, partaking in illegal bike races, and robbing non-gang affiliated drug dealers for their loot.
The three gangs listed below have present in Vice, but still not entirely sure how much:
The Skinz—The Vice City chapter of a nationally renown gang of White Supremacist formed in the late 90s given the increased immigration and diversity. Target all minorities, but lack firearms. The head of the V.C. chapter—Wallace Cox—is allegedly a man with…contradictory tastes.
Al-Waheed—Known terrorist group operating out of one of the Stans in the Middle East. We’re…pretty sure the guys under our surveillance are members.
Sicilian Crime Family—The mob has no holds in Vice City. Not entirely sure what to make of their presence. They might be just on vacation. Often seen at the Leaf Links Country Club. It does not seem they’ve made an effort to visit retired Mafioso Giorgio Forelli. This post has been edited by NonRetard on Tuesday, Mar 8 2011, 10:21
Posted: Wednesday, Feb 9 2011, 15:25
The Erotic Neurotic
Joined: Sep 15, 2005
FILE # VI44302VICE CITY POLICE DEPT.CRIMINAL REPORTDATE: August 15th 2002
TO: Patrol Units
SUBJECT: Places of Interest
MIND YOUR BUSINESSES
If crime is the backbone of our fine city, then these places are the vertebrae discs. Nice, huh? Officer Logan’s letting me borrow first season of Yuppie and the Alien on DVD and the cop, the one that ain’t an alien, he says that. Badass.
There’s no epicenter for crime. Sure would make this job a lot easier if there was, but no; the crime rate is generously divided amongst the near-dozen areas this city’s comprised of. An old lady is just as likely to have the barrel of a gun shoved in her mouth, her dentures shattered, and her purse stolen in Vice Beach than in Little Haiti. It’s the status quo, and damnit, it’s our duty to do nothing about it.
People try categorizing crime as “white-collar” and “blue-collar” but geographically speaking, criminology is a bunch of horsesh*t. Dividing parts of the city into blue collar and white collar just doesn’t work and is a statistical nightmare. Some loser embezzling money from Love Media could be living in some hole-in-the-wall Downtown, while some Haitian thug could be slinging dope from his casa in Vice Point. It’s like that comedy Bartering Homes, with the guy that was in Los Santos Fop.
Nevermind any of our city’s historically certified landmarks. These places are where most of the stuff that shapes this town happens.
-Office belonging to subpar gumshoe Ray Machowski. Machowski’s helicopter is prominently displayed on the roof. It’s suggested Machowski is living out of his office, sleeping under his desk.
LOVE MEDIA SOUTHEAST HEADQUARTERS
-Freshly-built towering hub for business conducted by the all-consuming media conglomerate that owns most of the media in the free world. Having acquired a number of radio stations in town, it looks like they broadening their takeover. I thought there were Anti-Trust laws in this goddamn country.
CASINO DE PALMA
-Vice City’s only operating casino, owned by Tommy Vercetti. Mindfully stands across the street from Ocean View Hospital, so when someone has a heart attack after going bust on Blackjack the emergency room’s just a skip and a hop away. Offers a garden of slot machines, poker tables, craps tables, blackjack tables. Seemingly, a lot of tables. In-house entertainment is about as bad as you can get. Don’t get caught cheating or you’ll look an appendage. And not just above the waist, either.
YOUTH AND I’S ASSISTED LIVING CENTER
-Vice City’s sole old folk’s home. Extortionately priced. Where the city’s finest and most decrepit reside as they round life’s bend and prepare for death. Noteworthy residents include Giorgio Forelli. The food’s not that bad. Orderlies have been suspected of abuse and outsourcing residents’ medication to fatten their pockets.
RAY MACHOWSKI’S APARTMENT
-One bedroom apartment leased to Ray Machowski. Currently has a friend of his from Liberty staying here. It’s not like he was using it anyway.
-Vice City’s #1 Nightclub. Proprietor: Tommy Vercetti. Currently going under renovations. This was the epicenter of drugs and dancing during the Reagan administration. Attendance has greatly dwindled, in large part the sudden boom popularity of outdoor raves. Rumor has it Vercetti has poured over seven figures into the remodeling of this place. Grand reopening is next month.
-Thift store, sells donated or used clothes. Currently, the purveyor of most of Vice City’s wardrobe, thanks to the recession. Shoplifting happens every 45 seconds here. Fact.
ABANDONED SUNSHINE AUTOS LOT
-Desolate, downtrodden showroom, once a lucrative car lot in the 80s. Mural on the side of the building states “THE 80S ARE DEAD, GET OVER IT.” Seems to be a hangout for the homeless and more importantly, members of the Squatterz. No one would be dumb to venture onto the premises sans shotgun.
PASTOR RICHARDS’ SANCTUARY FOR WORSHIP AND DONATION
-Tremendously sized, dome shaped venue for all of Pastor Richards’ congregation sits in the heart of Little Haiti. Can seat up to twenty thousand people. Rumored armory and bomb shelter located in the basement. Provides a weird contrast of being this giant, opulent bubble sitting in the middle of slums. Target of Haitian related vandalism.
THE POLE POSITION
-Flashy strip joint…scuse me, gentlemen’s club in Ocean Beach. Owned by Tommy Vercetti. Incredible revenue, overpriced drinks, and repulsive food. Hosts a cast of busty dancers—including Valerie Price—all of whom adhere to a strict regimen of jazzercise and bulimia. If you’re looking for cellulite, look harder.
-Industrial setting for Vice City’s popular outdoor raves and festivals. Lots of illegal drug use happens here. Has been the exclusive venue for overdoses and date rape. Illuminated by out-of-context Christmas lights and glow sticks. Seems to be the cause for attendance deficit for Vice City’s other clubs, even the Malibu. Want to blend in? Dress like an idiot.
-Domicile belonging to Tommy Vercetti. Surveillance out the ass, not a single blind spot. Over forty rooms. Impenetrable. Security is on patrol 24/7, staking out the grounds. A recently built guest house sits listlessly to the right of the mansion. Across the street sits a banner reading “SHAME ON VERCETTI” and a few protesters. Come on, it’s just business. Times are tough.
VERCETTI LIMOUSINE DEPOT
-Renovated garage where sanctioned Stretch Patriots are stored and depart from. Formerly the hub for Cherry Popper Ice Cream but the FDA’s ruling in the 90s put an end to that. This post has been edited by NonRetard on Tuesday, Apr 12 2011, 17:15
Posted: Wednesday, Feb 9 2011, 20:29
Group: The Connection
Joined: Feb 28, 2008