[Typhus]

Chapter 1: In which Candi is humiliated by an ethnic


Hello, my name is Craig Candi and I am undoubtedly the greatest and most talented writer in the world. I am the single most influential person in the world, with but one stroke of my pen entire governments tremble, the masses scream my name and the churches quiver in fear!
Yes sir! Craig Candi is the best there is! How did I get so good you ask? Well, every morning I ask myself the same thing. I ask; “Craig, your career has the momentum of a runaway freight train, how did you get so good?”
And the answers have always changed, at first I thought it was God. But then I remembered that I am an Atheist and so find the very notion of divine inspiration offensive. Then, I was working under the assumption that it was some genetic thing. But my parents are both idiots, the only thing they passed down to me was a gradual drift towards obesity.
No, no, no, no. The real reason behind my superstardom is much more simple: RIDICULE OTHERS!
Yeah, that’s it! Listen, if you meet someone more talented than you, more skilled and imaginative, it hurts. And I know that better than most.
So, the only way to make yourself feel better is by running them down. I mean, really, really degrading the sorry bastard. Mock and jeer everything he does until he can no longer stomach the idea of putting pen to paper.
“I can’t read it,” I enjoy whining, “the dialogue is too heavy, why don’t you use more spaces, I can’t read f*ck all here, it’s too hard!”
Know how many young authors I’ve snuffed out this way? Six. Yeah, six little Shakespeare’s now washing cars because I couldn’t appreciate their talent.
My life is brilliant.

Craig Candi’s brilliant day starts at nine ‘o clock precisely, I rise from my bed, brush my teeth and put on my uniform for work. I think I look good, even though I am a hideous porker with a mop of unruly black hair.
I serve food for a living, fried chicken to be exact, and sometimes my long locks get in the way. People often ask why I don’t get a haircut like a normal guy, well, it’s because I’m edgy. Dude, I’m seriously alternative. Only fags and Christians have short hair. They’re lame and they all look lame, every last one of them. Muslims, not so much. Or Buddhists, Buddhists are cool. Plus, liking them makes me look reasonable and peace loving. It's just a happy coincidence that I actually am reasonable and peace loving.
My workplace is just a little way from where I live, it takes about five minutes to walk there but in my car I can make it in two.
My boss is hardly ever around, but on this day he greets me at the door. His arms folded and his ruddy face scowling like the physical embodiment of an enema.
“Candi,” he says, “look at the state of you. You need to sort yourself out mate, customers are complaining.”
“About what?” I ask.
“About how you’re fat, how your sweat drips into the popcorn chicken and how they keep finding pubic hairs in their cola. And…wait a minute, how did your pubic hair get into the cola anyway?”
“I’m a writer.” I says, poking his chest with every syllable. “I don’t gotta’ not explain myself to you.”
“You’re a f*cking idiot.” He shouts, batting away my hand and spitting as though I’m the creep. “Your stories are sh*t and you’ve never been published. At all.”
Oh, this was too much. He didn’t know me. He didn’t know my life. I may have never been published, I may have been rejected by every magazine and agent in London but that didn’t change the fact that I was the greatest writer of my generation, a single voice crying out in the unenlightened darkness.
“This is your last day, I don’t ever want to see you around here again.”
I’m about to come back with a witty retort when I realise that he’s walked away.

My last day at work is truly invigorating!
My workmates are so sad that I’ll be leaving that they try and lighten the mood by cracking jokes about it all.
“I’m really not sad that you’re going.” Wesley smiles. “I mean, sometimes you’d bend over and give us a good view of your arse and it was, like, totally disgusting and all that. And other times you’d, like, start correcting how we talk and all that.”
What a funny guy, I was going to miss him.
Even Chris Button, normally so quiet and unassuming, gave me his best wishes.
“You gotta’ f*cking sort yourself out mate. Really gotta’ sort yourself out, innit? You’re f*cking fat, got a f*cking bad attitude and, like, are f*cking lazy. I had to cover for you five f*cking times because you were stuck on the f*cking toilet seat, f*cking know what I mean?”
They were all such great guys, I’ll really miss them once I’m rich.
Everything should have been going great, it was my last day! I didn’t have another job to tie me down! It was all moving forward nicely.
But an hour before closing time there walked in these four guys. All of an ethnic persuasion.
I don’t know what it was, but something about their gold teeth and askew baseball hats told me they were up to no good. Maybe it was the way they walked, it was very unfamiliar. And their shirts all had strange people on them, people who looked like them. It was as though they were aliens who had suddenly been beamed down to Earth. And if I wasn’t careful they would surely vaporise everyone in the shop.
“Okay mate, we don’t want no trouble.” I told them as they strutted up to the counter.
They all looked at each other.
“Ain’t done nothin’.” Sneered one of the men, flashing a gang symbol under the pretext of scratching his head. “We just want some food mate.”
I opened the cash register.
“Take what you want mate, we won’t give you any problems.”
“What are you doing?” Wesley whispered, but I was in no mood for his jokes.
“I know you’re here to rob us, just take the money and go!”

I was just protecting the shop, I was just trying to be a hero, to stop those gang members from killing everyone there for simply being “jive sucka’s”, as they say.
I had no idea what racial discrimination even was, let alone that I was doing it.
But I’m a genius, Craig Candi is a genius and I will rise once more, like a phoenix from the ashes.
I looked at the man I knew would employ me.
“So, one final question Mr. Candi.” The man smiled, tapping his pen on his bottom lip. “Why do you think you’re qualified to teach disabled children?”

This post has been edited by Typhus on Sunday, May 24 2009, 15:54

[Chunk]

Seem a little butthurt there Typhus..

[Typhus]

QUOTE (Chunk @ May 24 2009, 15:54)

Seem a little butthurt there Typhus..

Butthurt? What are you talking about?

[Face McDougal]

Why does the formatting look like such sh*t? Is it that hard to press the enter button?

[Typhus]

QUOTE (Face McDougal @ May 24 2009, 15:56)

Why does the formatting look like such sh*t? Is it that hard to press the enter button?

And when should I have pressed the enter button? When? When? When? When?

When?

When?

When?

Hm? Between every line? Every line of poorly-written, sadly familiar dialogue? When?

But whatever, let me first explain a little bit about this horrid little story.
You see, for the longest time I wanted to be a writer. And then I realised I wasn't very good, not only was I not very good, I stunk. I mean, I really f*cking stunk. No one cared, no one gave a sh*t what I did or what I had to say. No one cared how much effort I put in.
But still the desire was there, oh yes, the desire was still there. To be an author, to be recognised and published.
But now, now I have set my standards lower. Much lower.
I promise you all that I will be the worst writer who ever lived! That's right! I am going to write the worst story, with the most cardboard plots and the most wooden dialogue and pacing!
I may as well get in some practice. So, how do you practice being a total failiure? Yup, you base a character on yourself. Well, me and several other f*cking douchebag's I've known in my pitiful, utterly meaningless life.
I don't like this story. And that's why I love it.


This post has been edited by Typhus on Sunday, May 24 2009, 16:09

[Face McDougal]

Get a grip.

[The Unvirginiser]

Didn't you try doing this once before? Yes, you're good at impersonating a bad writer. But it isn't really what we value reading here.

[Typhus]

QUOTE (The Unvirginiser @ May 24 2009, 16:08)

Didn't you try doing this once before? Yes, you're good at impersonating a bad writer. But it isn't really what we value reading here.

What do you mean? You're seriously telling me that no one values good bad writing?

[Chunk]

QUOTE (Typhus @ May 24 2009, 16:12)

QUOTE (The Unvirginiser @ May 24 2009, 16:08) Didn't you try doing this once before? Yes, you're good at impersonating a bad writer. But it isn't really what we value reading here. What do you mean? You're seriously telling me that no one values good bad writing?

Man, this isn't just bad writing, this is pathetic.

[Typhus]

QUOTE (Chunk @ May 24 2009, 16:14)

QUOTE (Typhus @ May 24 2009, 16:12) QUOTE (The Unvirginiser @ May 24 2009, 16:08) Didn't you try doing this once before? Yes, you're good at impersonating a bad writer. But it isn't really what we value reading here. What do you mean? You're seriously telling me that no one values good bad writing? Man, this isn't just bad writing, this is pathetic.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere.
So...pathetic like a dog with its feet cut off? Ir pathetic like a self-centred twat who thinks he's cleverer than he actually is? I wasn't really going for both, but whatever.
Oh, and the guy who kept saying "f*ck". Really based on someone I knew. I used to work with him, and whilst he was prattling away I was obscenely bored and began counting how many times he dropped the F-Bomb.
So, he's talking for about two minutes and in those two minutes he says that one little word about 47 times.
Nice guy, but a little odd.

This post has been edited by Typhus on Sunday, May 24 2009, 16:19

[Oblivionz]

Watch out, Cand. He'll put you on his respect list for being a dick to him.

[Oxidizer]

I don't get what the sudden problem is. It's no different from other GTAFics of its kind on here. If you're gonna rip into this, then you ought to rip into the others.

That aside, I don't like 'em. At all.

[Oblivionz]

QUOTE (Oxidizer @ May 24 2009, 12:22)

I don't get what the sudden problem is. It's no different from other GTAFics of its kind on here. If you're gonna rip into this, then you ought to rip into the others. That aside, I don't like 'em. At all.

Typhus is only trying to stir up conflict, I'm sure. I'm only digging into this because it's the first topic I seen when I clicked WD.

This was actually a slight entertaining read.

[Typhus]

You have no idea how much I enjoyed writing this. Poor old Typhus thinks he's a genius when he's actually some loser working in a cesspit full of equally pathetic simpletons!
I admit, I was crying with laughter when the thought came to me. The fact that is how my life actually is makes it all the better.
Oh, and I thought that Candarelli/Face/Trows was on my respect list? I'll have to add him, believe it or not I respect him very much. It's not a mutual feeling, I'm sure, but I don't believe in hating people for just being themselves. He can't help being critical, or being abusive in his criticism.
And if he tried to be nice, if he tried to be civil, he would no longer be worth respecting. See what I'm getting at?

This post has been edited by Typhus on Sunday, May 24 2009, 16:33

[Jacky Fiend]

I don't see what people are getting so butthurt about. It's no different to some of the other stories I've seen on here; just because Typhus isn't a member of a gang or something that means he can't get away with it? Whatever happened to the long lost art of social parody?

[Eminence]

Typhus, you enjoyed writing it; I enjoyed reading it. I think it's quite a nice bit of parody, to be honest.

The thing I find most funny is how many people have flocked to attack it straight away. Why have none of those people read your other works in such a timely fashion, if at all? How many other pieces on the first page have those people commented on?

Yeah. Social parody? Good stuff.

[Typhus]

QUOTE (Eminence @ May 24 2009, 16:33)

Why have none of those people read your other works in such a timely fashion, if at all?

Well, they can't read it anymore.
I've deleted most of it.

[Pr0xy_fl00d3r]

Why were people getting upset reading this, I found it rather funny, a good read to be honest. Some of the responses made me laugh aswell.

[Chunk]

QUOTE (Eminence @ May 24 2009, 16:33)

The thing I find most funny is how many people have flocked to attack it straight away. Why have none of those people read your other works in such a timely fashion, if at all? How many other pieces on the first page have those people commented on?

I've posted in a few actually.

And I have read his other work, but I couldn't comment on them because I would have been bmping them. He's a good writer, but this is just a sly dig at certain people.

[The Unvirginiser]

Well, its a good parody, but its also a shame because I know you're a better writer. And if you spent your effort trying to do more serious pieces then you'd get more out of writing.

But if you want to do parodies then suit yourself, like I said, it was a good impersonation.