[theomenofficial]

I like my girls like I like my coffee

Strong and black

[OdDsOcK]

QUOTE (theomenofficial @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 07:32)

I like my girls like I like my coffee Strong and black

I like my girls like I like my coffee.

Ground up and in the freezer.

[GTA_stu]

And just for some "proper" jokes:


Doctors in Australia have diagnosed a new condition which they are calling "Olympic finger". Symptoms are pain in the index finger caused by repeated scrolling down to see Australia's medal tally.

----------

English people often moan about Americans taking some of our best TV shows, like Spaced, Top Gear and The Inbetweeners, and turning them into absolute crap.

But I actually prefer Mitt Romney's version of An Idiot Abroad.

----------

A mosquito landed on my balls...

Hardest decision of my life.

[OdDsOcK]

QUOTE (GTA_stu @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 11:16)

English people often moan about Americans taking some of our best TV shows, like Spaced, Top Gear and The Inbetweeners, and turning them into absolute crap. But I actually prefer Mitt Romney's version of An Idiot Abroad.

Amen to that.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Eliphino
SUPER COOL HINT: Say it out loud.

[Wreckless Jake]

I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist. They played jump, I jumped. They played "Come On Eileen"... got kicked out after that one.

[lzw3]

Whats bigger than a fridge?
The sun

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust

This post has been edited by lzw3 on Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 23:13

[lil weasel]

QUOTE (lzw3 @ Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 23:10)

Whats bigger than a fridge? The sun What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust

What was a famous punch line on an Olde comedy radio program?
"Tain't Funny Magee!"

[lzw3]

QUOTE (lil weasel @ Monday, Aug 13 2012, 09:16)

QUOTE (lzw3 @ Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 23:10) Whats bigger than a fridge? The sun What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust What was a famous punch line on an Olde comedy radio program? "Tain't Funny Magee!"

Sorry mate, don't get it . Care to elaborate?

[waleed123x]

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answers. The old man squints his eyes and says, 'What do you want?' The man says, 'I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. It would be most gracious of you if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight' The old Chinese man says, 'I'll let you come in on one condition, you cannot mess around with my granddaughter' The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, 'I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning.' The old Chinese man counters 'Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man.' 'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, 'Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.' Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying '1st Chinese torture test: 100-lb rock on your chest'. 'What a lame torture test' the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle'. The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, '3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost'.

[vertical limit]

QUOTE (lzw3 @ Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 23:28)

QUOTE (lil weasel @ Monday, Aug 13 2012, 09:16) QUOTE (lzw3 @ Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 23:10) Whats bigger than a fridge? The sun What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust What was a famous punch line on an Olde comedy radio program? "Tain't Funny Magee!" Sorry mate, don't get it . Care to elaborate?

He is saying that your jokes aren't funny at all. Can't say I disagree.

[lzw3]

QUOTE (vertical limit @ Monday, Aug 13 2012, 14:14)

QUOTE (lzw3 @ Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 23:28) QUOTE (lil weasel @ Monday, Aug 13 2012, 09:16) QUOTE (lzw3 @ Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 23:10) Whats bigger than a fridge? The sun What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust What was a famous punch line on an Olde comedy radio program? "Tain't Funny Magee!" Sorry mate, don't get it . Care to elaborate? He is saying that your jokes aren't funny at all. Can't say I disagree.

You're entitled to your opinion.

[MikeMyth]

Łast week I saw my ex wife get hit with a snow plow I was surprised because
I'd never driven one before that.

[Secronom President]

Mother: Your son called me a "bitch"!
Father: Son of a bitch.

[Greenline]

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

[1whitebuddah]

what do you call a dead prostitute?


free

[LazyboyEight]

What do you call a black preist?

Holy sh*t.



A black guy, a mexican and a prostitute were in a car. Who was driving?

The Policeman.



Where did the little girl go after being shot?

Everywhere.

[lzw3]

What does an eagle and a mole have in common?
They bothe live underground except for the eagle.

[LazyboyEight]

QUOTE (lzw3 @ Wednesday, Aug 15 2012, 23:07)

What does an eagle and a mole have in common? They bothe live underground except for the eagle.

What... I don't even...

[TheGreatGig23]

I think you may have actually broken comedy. This is a sad day.

And just so I'm not off-topic, here's some brilliant one-liners from Jimmy Carr.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

This post has been edited by TheGreatGig23 on Wednesday, Aug 15 2012, 23:25

[Chaise]

I heard this one at school yesterday, I thought it was funny as hell. (Yes, I'm back in school already)

Guy 1: Hey man.

Guy 2: Hey dude, what's up?

Guy 1: Well, I'm thinking about getting a tattoo of a rooster on my ankle.

Guy 2: What? Why the hell would you want a tattoo of a rooster on your ankle?

Guy 1: Because then I could tell everyone I have a cock on my ankle.