[Stefche]

Barack Obama.

[lil weasel]

so the story goes that the man on the flying trapeze is going to divorse his wife. Because:
He caught her in the act.

[ZoomZoom]

This one's kinda dirty.

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"f*ck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[LazyboyEight]

QUOTE (OdDsOcK @ Tuesday, Jul 24 2012, 21:49)

QUOTE (LazyboyEight @ Tuesday, Jul 24 2012, 16:27) What the f*ck is "paper view"? And not knowing about a specific company doesn't make somebody stupid. If I were to hear the words 'taco bell' without knowing what Taco Bell really was, I would have probably thought the same is 'yo mama'. What if she didn't like the mattresses in the mattress store? What if she was inside a room within the mattress store that didn't have any mattresses inside it? And in the unlikely event someone would get locked inside a mattress store it's hardly logical to think they would rather go to sleep than find a way out. Why don't pakistanis play football very often? because everytime they get a corner they'll build a shop on it You're not being funny, just annoying, and FYI, "paper view" is a play on "pay per view." Why do black people have white palms? Because there's a little bit of good in everyone. A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."

I wasn't trying to be funny, I was just pointing out the various flaws of his "jokes" which weren't even funny to start with.



What's long and black?
The line of customers waiting at KFC

This post has been edited by LazyboyEight on Wednesday, Jul 25 2012, 12:00

[DeeperRed]

QUOTE (LazyboyEight @ Wednesday, Jul 25 2012, 11:58)

I wasn't trying to be funny, I was just pointing out the various flaws of his "jokes" which weren't even funny to start with.

You are aware humor is subjective ?...

What do you call a child molester in a swimming pool

A speedophile

[NateShaw92]

Meanwhile at a protest

What do we want?
Time travel
When do we want it?
It's irrelevant

[ZoomZoom]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

[Chunkyman]

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint


How do you confuse a blond?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.


How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.


What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the Batmobile?

"Get in the batmobile."

[NateShaw92]

What do a gynocologist and a Pizza dellivery driver have in common
Both get to smell the goods but are not allowed to eat it

[Yorpie]

Two tourists are on travel through the jungle when they are being captured by a group of canibals.

When they wake up the leader of the canibals stands in front of them and says: 'If you want to live, you must gather 100 pieces of fruits, but it must be 100 pieces of the same kind. Than come back for me for further instructions.'

So the two tourists go into the jungle, each a different direction.

After a while one of them returns with 100 berry's.

The leader says: 'Good, now what I want you to do is put all of them in your ass, but you may not laugh.'

The tourist, fearing for his life, pulls down his pants and start following the leader his instruction.

After some time the tourist has already put 97 berry's in his ass. Than number 98 and than 99. But when he wants to put the last berry in his ass, the man starts laughing loudley. The man gets eaten by the canibals.

In heaven, God asks him: 'Why did you start laughing, you only had 1 berry left and you were free to go.'

'I know,' the tourists answers,' but I couldn't ressist laughing when I saw my friend showing up with 100 coconuts.'













A doctor had a frog and he wanted to know how far it could jump

He shouted 'BOOO' and the frog jumped 2 metres.

'Interesting, a frog can jump 2 metres,' the dokter said.

He took a knife and cut of one of the frog limbs.

He shouted 'BOOO' again.

The frog, with 3 limbs, jumped 1.5 metres far.

'Interesting, a frog with three limbs can jump 1.5 metres far.'

He took the knife again and cut of a second limb, so the frog had two more remaining.

The docter shouted 'BOOO' and the frog jumped, 80 centimetres.

'Interesting, a frog with two limbs can jump 1.5 metres far.'

The docter took the knife again and cut of a third limb, so the frog only had one left.

He again shouted 'BOOO' and the frog jumped only 20 more centimetres.

'Interesting, a frog with one limb can jump 20 centimetres.'

'Well, we're already this far, so lets cut of the 4th one as well.'

The docter cutted of the last limb of the frog and shouted 'BOOO', but the frog didn't jump.

The docter shouted again, louder this time 'BOOO BOOO' but the frog didn't jump.

'Hmmm, interesting,' the docter said,' a frog without limbs is deaf.'







How do you call a Tor that rapes little Tors?

A Torpedo

This post has been edited by Yorpie on Sunday, Jul 29 2012, 20:25

[ZoomZoom]

Four Girls took lift in a Car full of
Engineers...
Since no place available, they sat on
each
Boys' lap...
After 5 minuts...
Girl1: Are you an Electronics &
Communication
Engineer..?
Boy1: How do you know..?
Girl1: Your Tower is
communicating with my
Unreachable Area...
Girl2: Are you an IT Engineer.. ?
Boy2: How do you know..?
Girl2: Your Pendrive is trying to
connect with
my USB Drive...
Girl3: Are you a Mechanical
Engineer..?
Boy3: How do you know..?
Girl3: UR Piston is trying to move
into my
Cylinder..
Girl4: Are U a Civil Engineer..?
Boy4: How do U know..?
Girl4: UR Dam has Broken and
Flooded my
village

[OverTheBelow]

Why did the boy drop his icecream?



Because he was hit by a bus.

[lzw3]

Why did Eric fall off the swing?
Because he is a goldfish

[ZoomZoom]

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

[lzw3]

What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?

"We are both lawyers"

[NateShaw92]

A gymnast walks into a bar

he gets a 2 point deduction and ruins his chances of getting a medal

[lzw3]

A man walked into a bar:
Alcoholism slowly tore apart his family.

I like my coffee how I like my women
Without a penis.

[NateShaw92]

QUOTE (lzw3 @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 09:38)

A man walked into a bar: Alcoholism slowly tore apart his family. I like my coffee how I like my women Without a penis.

are you the anti-joke chicken or something?

[lzw3]

QUOTE (NateShaw92 @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 18:41)

QUOTE (lzw3 @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 09:38) A man walked into a bar: Alcoholism slowly tore apart his family. I like my coffee how I like my women Without a penis. are you the anti-joke chicken or something?

Yes.

[rodneythesavior]

I'm not a very funny person, but I'll give it a whirl.
(These are not my jokes, as I said, I'm not very funny.)
I also read through all the pages of this thread, so there shouldn't be any duplicates, but if there are I apologize.

QUOTE

Why do ducks have webbed feet? •To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? •To stamp out burning ducks.

QUOTE

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” “I've been calling since yesterday.”

QUOTE

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the toilets is broken, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, a plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, a mechanic?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed, as is the toilet and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. What do I look like, Betty Crocker?

QUOTE

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in sh*t up to their necks. The guy says "No thanks, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with sh*t up to their noses. The guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sh*t up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

QUOTE

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f*ck around?"

Last one.

QUOTE

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The Genie waves his hand and the lake turns into beer. The first guy looks to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy glares, "You're a dick. Now we've got to piss in the boat."