[Sakuya]

What did Hitler's cat think of genocide?

That it was purrrfect.

[ZoomZoom]

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
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[lil weasel]

What is the difference between:
A Puerto Rican Wedding,
and
the Rose Bowl parade?

The Puerto Rican Wedding has more Pom-Poms!

[Ferocious Banger]

How do you get a farmer to cry?

Poke his eyes

[Greenline]

QUOTE (Ferocious Banger @ Thursday, Aug 30 2012, 16:06)

How do you get a farmer to cry? Poke his eyes

How do I get you to stop?
This isn't a joke, I'm willing to pay, for you to stop this spam.

Joke: What kind of meat does the Pope eat? Nun.

This post has been edited by Greenline on Thursday, Aug 30 2012, 11:47

[xGhostx]

Well I kinda got one but Idk if it's gonna be funny or not, just think of it so...

----------------------------------------------

One day, a girl got a text message ''Do u have a boy friend? <3''

The girl responded ''Yes I do ^^''

Then she got a reply...

''This is your father! Now go home, we need to talk.

2 days later she got the same message.

She scared that it's her father so she replied ''No I don't have a boy friend''

The reply to her was ''Ok...so after months of dating, you still don't think I'm your boy friend, we should break up. Have a nice life.

After that, she panic and replied ''No, wait! I said that because my old man keep sending message asking me if I have a boy friend, so I have to say no. Please don't break up with me. T.T''

This is your father!

[Ferocious Banger]

Whats red and bad for teeth?

A brick.

[Adriaan]

Years ago a friend and I used to write up these fake press releases, but worded as serious as possible, for hilarity:

QUOTE

Rockstar Games Announces Grand Theft Auto: North Korea Perhaps here, things will be indifferent. New York, NY- December 3, 2010 - Rockstar Games, a publishing label of Take-Two Interactive Software, Inc. (NASDAQ: TTWO), is proud to announce Grand Theft Auto: North Korea for the Xbox 360® video game and entertainment system from Microsoft and the PlayStation®3 computer entertainment system. The game is scheduled for release in Spring 2012. Set in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea, Grand Theft Auto: North Korea will take players to a whole new frontier unlike any other game in the long running successful Grand Theft Auto series, which had sold nearly a 100 million copies to date. Players take the role of Kim Ling Su, an average North Korean citizen, that will climb the ranks in the military, wish the western imperialists to their ultimate death on Korean national T.V., goose step in weekly military parades, and drive a donkey cart. “GTA: NK is unlike anything we've done before,” said Sam Houser, Founder of Rockstar Games. “Taking the series outside of America was very important for us, and we couldn't have gone with a better choice than with North Korea. Yes, we thought of England, but f*ck, who wants to wake up every morning to negative press from the British media, or hear the call for its ban every Wednesday during PMQ's.” “Yes, these idiots went with North Korea,” said Dan Houser, VP of creative of Rockstar Games. “It really is often tough for both me and Lazlow. Every time we fly someone up to do voice work, they hand us a letter claiming their defection.” “Oh it's terrific,” said Aaron Garbut, Art Director at Rocktar North. “We were able to reduce the game file size by 90% in comparison to GTA IV, thanks to reusing the same assets across the world... and that's just the face of the Dear Leader. We were surprised at first at how this figure was used throughout the city of Pyongyang, and was afraid our work might seem sloppy if we did the same. But hey, we're all for authenticity!” “We also found that we only needed to model around 5 different vehicles, all government of course. Unlike peak hours in GTA IV, we get superb frame rates in GTA: NK due to little to no traffic on the streets, and even better during night time when there are no pedestrians thanks to the curfew. Oddly, the real North Korea has no real-time shadows. So we did the same with the game.” In addition to the announcement, Take-Two has already sent 10 000 pre-burnt R* stickers and Rockstar employees in effigy to Seoul, South Korea. We believe this will minimize the obvious mass protest. Rockstar Games will release a trailer of the game as soon as it's approved by the Pyongyang authorities. It was submitted for review two years ago.

[lil weasel]

From some years ago:

Three Japanese high-schoolers designed and then built an automobile. They wanted to present the design to an established builder, but had second thoughts as to what to call it.

A friend, an engineer, was visiting from Germany. So they presented the plans to him and asked, "What should we call it?"
The German Engineer asked how far along it was.
They replied that it's already done, except for the name.
He replied, "Dat Soon?"

So there they had the name...

[highnrich]

wrong thread...

[Cosmic Gypsy]

QUOTE (highnrich @ Thursday, Sep 6 2012, 16:39)

wrong thread...

How was it the wrong thread? Or was that post the joke?

[Gareth Croke]

QUOTE (Cosmic Gypsy @ Thursday, Sep 6 2012, 17:49)

QUOTE (highnrich @ Thursday, Sep 6 2012, 16:39) wrong thread...  How was it the wrong thread? Or was that post the joke?

He probably Ninja-edited so you didn't get to see what he posted, but quick enough to not leave a "edited by..." line

Anywho since this is a Joke Topic, "Take my wife.... no please take her"... aye... Joke time.

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Knock, Knock
WHO'S THERE?
Knock, Knock
"Right I've had enough"
At that point the man gets up and opens the door only to realise someone has nailed a dead kitten to the other side

[FranticFatality]

What do you call a black priest? Holy sh*t!!

[K^2]

I know a great joke about UDP, but I can't guarantee that you will get it.

[Zirvlok]

@Ferocious Banger
I don't know why some people are giving you sh*t. I was browsing through the "normal" jokes and they were all really eh. Then I started reading yours and was actually laughing. I think you should keep it up .

[Mr. Reaper.]

QUOTE (Greenline @ Thursday, Aug 30 2012, 11:45)

Joke: What kind of meat does the Pope eat? Little Boy's Meat.

I fixed it for you,

[Ferocious Banger]

Why did the black man jump higher than the white man?

He was on a trampoline

[deepthroatgta6]

So there was this monkey roaming in the jungle.

He saw a rabbit getting high on LSD. The monkey goes to him and says, "Look at the beautiful woods, man. Why do you take drugs? Enjoy the beauty. Come along."

The rabbit agrees and they both start walking.

They see a bear taking heroine injections. The monkey calls him out and says, "Say NO to drugs, mate. They ain't good. Come lets enjoy the natural beauty." The bear couldn't object.

In the next thirty minutes, he convinces the 'drunk' hyena, 'MDMA addicted' jackal, the 'cocaine snorting' elephant and 'shroom fan' wolf as well. They all walk and enjoy the nature.

The crowd now sees the Lion, pouring himself a glass of whiskey. The monkey goes to him and says, "Alcohol isn't half good as the nature..."
BAM! The lion delivers a punch and the monkey falls with a thud.

The crowd is uneasy now. The rabbit speaks up, "Why beat him? He made us all give up our addiction!"
The lion looks at them and says, "Nigga, ya'll know nothin, I rolled him some fat joints just an hour ago."

This post has been edited by deepthroatgta6 on Wednesday, Sep 26 2012, 09:19

[The_Anti-tragedy]

An elephant and a camel encounter somewhere near a desert.
The elephant says "Haha, you have boobs on your back."
The camel talks back "At least I don't have a penis on my face."

Little Red Riding Hood encounters the wolf dressed as grandma.
Riding Hood says "What big ears you have..."
The wolf replies "Why thank you."
Riding Hood replies "That wasn't a compliment."

This post has been edited by The_Anti-tragedy on Friday, Sep 28 2012, 00:16

[lzw3]

Why was the black man so good at basketball?

Because he practiced a lot.