[mrpain]

Hah it's alright aragond. Why don't the Staff hire some help? Get AceRay to help you out with the reviews since he's like the most active writer here?

[AceRay]

I honestly can't remember much about that story, I actually wrote the most of it around a whole year ago but didn't finish it until a few months later. So, I'm flattered by the attention. Thank you for the in depth review. It was enlightening, to say the least.

@MrPain: While I am, again, flattered, I don't know barely enough to warrant being promoted to staff level. I've only had two stories rated so far anyway, or even have a writers card, so i don't it would be a good idea. I much prefer to read Aragond's ratings anyway.

This post has been edited by AceRay on Monday, Nov 21 2011, 09:01

[mrpain]

I was a staff once, and I can tell you'll make a good one.

It's really simple if you yourself are good at writing. Just check out for length, grammar, you know the basic stuff and all that. So what say ya?

Unless Staff is happy with the way things are, then nevermind.

[AceRay]

QUOTE (aragond @ Monday, Nov 21 2011, 08:53)

AceRay Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 5: Karma Chameleon $-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

Excuse me, but it appears you've written this as Chapter 5. It is in fact actually Chapter 6, so I thought I'd point that out. Just a small mistake.

Anyway, as much fun as becoming part of staff would be, I'd just like to concentrate on writing the stories for the moment. Unless there is an influx of stories which Aragond cannot review, I'd rather not.

[aragond]

QUOTE (AceRay @ Monday, Nov 21 2011, 18:58)

@MrPain: While I am, again, flattered, I don't know barely enough to warrant being promoted to staff level. I've only had two stories rated so far anyway, or even have a writers card, so i don't it would be a good idea. I much prefer to read Aragond's ratings anyway.

QUOTE (AceRay @ Tuesday, Nov 22 2011, 19:34)

Anyway, as much fun as becoming part of staff would be, I'd just like to concentrate on writing the stories for the moment. Unless there is an influx of stories which Aragond cannot review, I'd rather not.

So, I *think* what I'm hearing AceRay say here, mrpain, and I might be going out on a limb here, but I'll hazard a guess that he's saying "no, thanks".

I could be wrong, of course. But I *think* I've heard this.

QUOTE (AceRay @ Tuesday, Nov 22 2011, 19:34)

Excuse me, but it appears you've written this as Chapter 5. It is in fact actually Chapter 6, so I thought I'd point that out. Just a small mistake.

Future Staff reviews, I'm reliably informed, will retag that story as Chapter 6.

This post has been edited by aragond on Tuesday, Nov 22 2011, 10:08

[AceRay]

Alright, enough chit chat, now back to the stories.

Pavanos at Marco's
Chapter 7: Abort This!

I knock on my girlfriend’s old wooden door before looking around nervously. If my wife knew I was here, she would rip my face off and use it for kindling. The street in Broker was full of crime; there was danger at every turn. Looking over my shoulder, everything looked peaceful but I knew it wouldn’t last. Suddenly, the door opens and I see Violet standing there, smiling as soon as she saw me.

“Hey baby. You said you wanted something. Can I come in?”

“Sure,” she replied as she welcomed me into her house. Her warm and inviting living room greeted me as we walked in and sat on the couch. She pressed her body against mine as we kissed passionately, the sun shining off her silky brown hair. After half a minute, she stopped.

“What is it dal?”

“I’ve got something to tell you Gil,” she said, stroking her hair back in a concerned fashion, “I’m pregnant. You’re the father,” it takes me back to the last time I heard those words. I reminisce for a moment. It was back in Italy, a couple of months before Maybelle and I moved to America. She was so happy, but I wasn’t so sure. The last time I had kids, it didn’t end so well. We were going to live in Sicily in a nice house but then sh*t hit the fan in the mob I was working with so we jumped ship. Raul was born over international waters and I thought I’d be a dad, like all the other dads, but things never work out the way you plan, what with Edgar and what not. Suddenly, all those feelings of anxiety came flooding back.

“Are you sure it’s me?”

“Are you calling me a whore? Of course it’s you; you’re the only one for me.”

“No, no, I’m just… so surprised. I’ve… never been a father before,” she gives me a smile and kisses my cheek before getting up.

“Good. Now, we’re going to have to get a few supplies, we’re going to need a crib so we’ll stop by the…” she continued, but I didn’t hear a word she said. I was still in shock. I suddenly think what would happen if I just socked her right now and beat her to the bone, terminating the pregnancy, but then common sense reared its ugly head. I just sat and nodded at every second sentence as I stared into space, wondering how I’d ever have the time to live two different lives, or even bigamy. Throw in the work for the Pavanos and there is a sh*t load of work to do. Soon, Violet walks back in and hands me a coffee. I thank her and the warm drink brings me back to reality.

Suddenly and without warning, the door is broken down like it was a twig and Wes Lombardo barges in with two Lupisella thugs following behind.

“This is on behalf of Federico Avico!” he shouted as he knocks over a cabinet, sending plates and DVDs flying all over the floor. Wes had changed his appearance significantly; he was now bald, wore a white singlet and sported a massive beard. The two guards behind him laughed crazily as the one with a wooden plank smashes an expensive vase. The other was carrying a shotgun but before I could react he had already raised the weapon and stuck it in my face. I throw my hands up in the air in fear.

“Well look what we have here,” the thug with the plank laughed as soon as he saw Violet. She shrieked with terror when Wes waved his fist in front of her eyes. He then punched her square in the face and she fell backwards onto the floor.

“Time for a little fun!” he chortled as he took pulled down his pants and started to rape Violet. She tried to fight back but Wes was just too strong and would punch her viciously whenever she tried to get away, instead inserting his d*ck even harder into the screaming woman. The thug took it upon himself to beat Violet with his plank and did so whenever the opportunity presented itself, hideously deforming when he did.

“Jesus! Stop it now!” I shout out, only for it to fall onto deaf ears. I now regret leaving my pistols in the car; I felt it wasn’t right to be armed when in the presence of a lady. I sure do regret that now.

The guy pointing the shotgun at me seemed mighty distracted by the show so I took this opportunity to escape. I slam his shotgun away and he, taken by surprise, fires a shot through the window, smashing the glass. I jump out the window and run to my car, narrowly escaping a few shotgun blasts in the process. Hopping into the vehicle, I quickly rummage through the glove box and pull out my duel pistols and some ammo.

“Rah mother*ckes!” I scream as I empty two rounds through the window as I get out of my car. I was unsure of the situation but at least the guns felt steady in my hands as I approached the window. The house goes silent so I run in there again. Wes and his two cowards were nowhere to be seen, only Violet beaten on the ground, moaning at her wounds. Her face was covered in blood and her body was beaten to a pulp. The room was a complete mess with almost all of Violet’s prized possessions on the floor in pieces. A cool wind blows against my cheek, which makes me turn my attention to the back door that was wide open. I run up with a pistol in each hand and dive out the door, ready to kill Wes without hesitation. Sadly, they were nowhere in sight; the alley way was deserted. They were probably barrelling down the highway right now. Visually depressed, I walked back inside to see Violet in a better state sitting down on the coach crying. I try to sit down next to her and put my arm around her but she pushes me away.

“Get away from me Gil,” then, she started to cry, sobbing uncontrollably. “You mafia boys are all the same. Now my child is dead…”

“Baby, you know I never meant for this to happen! I’m so sorry,” I tried to apologize, but she would have none of it.

“Get out of my sight!” she screamed, jumping off the sofa. “I never want to see you again.” She then tried to stumble away, but fell over and started crying away, shouting at me to go away. Pressured, I took one last look at her and walked away, out of her life forever.

When I walked back to my car, a weird feeling overcame me. It was a mix of sadness and relief. After the initial shock of the event, I soon felt like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was almost as though I was happy that Violet was raped. I was disgusted with myself for feeling such things, so I take out the hundred dollar bill that Granville game me and looked at it worryingly. I enter my car and drive off, clutching the money in my hand. I soon pull up on the side of the road and cry a few tears that fell onto my ski jacket and made my eyes red as hell. No matter what I did to try to rich, people close to me got hurt, and I couldn’t do anything about it.


This post has been edited by AceRay on Monday, Jul 30 2012, 10:22

[.2D]

Might be getting back into this at some point in the future. I have a lot of writing and ideas stored away on a broken laptop that I may be sorting out soon, so if I can get that, I may just show my face again. How're things going around here?

[AceRay]

QUOTE (.2D @ Sunday, Dec 4 2011, 02:59)

How're things going around here?

Pretty slow, but I think regular-ish reviews are gradually getting reintroduced. I figure that all the remaining stories are going to be wiped off the reviewing board by at least the end of January, could be closer if Staff spends some time over Christmas reviewing stories. Although he might be spending with his family or something like that, but who knows?

And with that, here is another Pavano story at Marco's

Chapter 8: Calm before the Storm

In the middle of the night, two men stood under the cliff on the beach in the Northern Gardens. They looked very shady standing next their gleaming, white Calvalcade with massive rims. Edgar, Emilio and me left the safety of Edgar’s Sentinel’s headlights that shone so sweetly on us to meet the duo. One of them looked over at us. He was a little overweight, wearing a red rain jacket over a blue Hawaiian shirt with some scruffy jeans on his legs. He looked like a douche. The man next to him was wearing a charcoal suit with a red shirt underneath and he appeared worried by the situation.

“Ah, you must Vito,” Edgar exclaimed excitingly before approaching them. Suddenly, three goons popped out from the rock beside them with assault rifles and pointed them at us, menacingly.

“Are you armed?” The man said putting his hand in his jacket, flashing his revolver to show he was business. Edgar pulled out his pistol and pointed it at him with a sly look in his eye. I pull out my pistols and point one at the guy in the suit and the other at the goons.

“Keep your d*ck in your pants, son. We just want to be a part of this deal. Be friends and all that,” the guy in the suit whispered something into the fat guy’s ear and he ordered the goons to lower their weapons. In turn, I lower my guns and listen to him, Emilio still pointing his pistol at.

“I am Vito D’Orazio. Capo of the Ancelloti Family. This here is my closest business associate…” Vito paused to clear his throat. Nervousness had overcome him for a second but he maintained his compose himself. “This is Barry Moretti. Barry heard you need some help with the Lupisella problem, so we’re going to cut you a deal. It’s a case of you look out for us, and we don’t look out for you, got it?”

“That’s correct. It’s a pleasure to meet you both,” Edgar remarks sarcastic as he puts his pistol away. He and Vito then shake hands. Edgar calls us over and we all stroll round the corner. We are met by a large Steed, ready to cart masses of imported goods from Europe. The Ancelotti guards walked up to the van and started prepping it for the incoming load.

“The boat is arriving soon,” Barry said calmly to Edgar. “Now let me get this straight. You want two boxes of counterfeit money and two boxes of those fancy Egyptian cigars, no?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Vito laughed and tried to make a sly comment, but Edgar changed the subject and asked him a question. “See any action recently?”

“Well, now that you ask, we haven’t had any gun fights since we capped that stock broker’s brother last month. The little b*tch was screaming like a girl, and then I shot him. In the face too. It was very funny,” Vito takes his hand, makes it into a gun and mimes shooting into the sand. “It was real quiet since then, until those Lupisella c*nts screwed up. There was this dude called Wes Lombardo,” at this, I clenched my fists in anger. Even the mention of his name made my blood boil. “He was a pretty nice guy but then he just shot Troy in the face when we were about to do some business!” he then turned to a guard who was packing something into the truck. “Wasn’t that terrible Danny?” the guard either didn’t hear him or was ignoring him. Vito was enraged by this. Without hesitation, he picked up a rock and threw it at Danny, screaming with rage. Danny felt the stone hit his arm, which would have caused injury had it not been for his heavy jacket.

“Ouch!” he yelled before composing himself, embarrassed by both his and Vito’s behaviour, “Yeah, yeah, I miss Troy a lot,” then he turned back to his silent work. Barry, also embarrassed, whispered something in Vito’s ear and handed him a pill, to which Vito sat down on the nearby rock and closed his eyes, trying to cool down.

“Yeah, well, what Vito is trying to say is that Wes is a no good two-timer. And so is their leader, Federico Avico. He’s a real ruthless sociopath,” Emilio, silent until now, pushed past Edgar for explanations.

“What did you say?” he shouted at Barry. The whole mood changed. Everyone at that moment reached for their weapon, expecting a shoot-out to occur right then.

“Yeah, Federico Avico. You know him?”

“Federico? Federico is my f*cking brother! I haven’t seen him in years!” Emilio replied. I pull Emilio aside, who was obviously confused by the situation.

“Hey, cool it. We’ll talk about it later,” Emilio sighed. It was a lot to take in a few moments. His face turned from confusion to anger to understanding. He kept professional for the moment, holding in his anger for a later date. Everyone soon calmed down when we walked back composed.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us to your friends Di Luca?” Vito asked in a calm voice.

“Oh, these two? Yeah, this is Emilio here and that’s Gilberto,” Edgar mumbled.

“Nice to meet you. Hope Barry and me can work together with you boys, you know?”

“Yeah, sorry for that,” Emilio managed to mutter. “It’s a bit of a surprise.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” Barry smirked.

Suddenly, we saw a boat in the distance. Everyone began to prepare for the incoming load. After a few minutes, the boat reared into view. It was a medium sized ship, around fifteen feet long and covered in about eight angry Turks with scurvy.

“You two, get the sh*t and take it back to the car,” Edgar told us, to which we humbly agreed. The boat was tough and imposing. It looked like the kind of vessel that could tell a tale or two. I waded into water but only up to my ankles. I couldn't swim, and swimming made me nervous. Whenever I enter the water, it feels as though it was pulling me down and drowning me. Darkness surrounds me and everything goes hazy. Spending a few months on a boat getting to America were some of the tensest moments of my life.

“Come on Gilbeto! It’s not that deep!” Emilio shouted from the knee deep water next to the boat. I anxiously stray deeper but then freeze. Emilio, annoyed but understanding, holds my wrist and helps me get in deeper. I lean against the boat but one of the guards barks at me, making me jump. One of them throws crates at us, taking all our skills to catch them. We saunter out of the water balancing two crates on our mitts and I calm instantly to be back on solid ground. As soon as we got back, the Ancelotti goons run over to the boat and pick

“This could be the beginning of a beautiful business relationship!” Vito exclaimed as Edgar handed him the money for the loot.

“I know, ain’t it just beautiful?” Emilio, Edgar and I walk off. “See you round!” Edgar shouts out. The Ancelotti members then get busy putting imported goods into the Steed. We stumble back to the Sentinel and start loading the crates up into the car.

“Right, there’s no room in the car so you’ll have to take a cab or something,” Edgar murmured as he hurried into the driver’s seat. I scuffle my feet in annoyance. Edgar then drove off, spinning his wheels in the sand and blowing sand all over Emilio and me. We then walked off to the street, avoiding the Ancelotti guards at the top.

“So how are things with you and Sarah?”

Emilio sighed. Things were obviously not going well in the relationship, “I don’t man, it’s not going so good. She said she’ll be staying at her cousin’s place while we work things out,” Emilio looked out to sea for a moment, contemplating his life. He knew that he could never truly give Sarah what he wanted, and it was the exact same feeling I had with Maybelle. "But then you have Federico and all… F*ck it man, I just want settle down sometime, you know?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Want to spend the night round? We’ll get some pizza; rent some movies, what’d you say,” Normally, I’d jump at the opportunity for such fun, but then I remembered my plans tonight.

“Can’t tonight bro, got to spend time with the family, or at least appear to. They’re probably asleep now,” I say.

“Which one? Pavanos or your actual one?” Emilio asks curiously. I take a deep breath as I contemplate whether it actually mattered anymore but I decide to just be ambiguous with my answer.

“You know what, I don’t even know anymore. What’s the difference?” Emilio laughs at this. Soon we reached the top of the road and parted ways. Emilio was depressed as he slouched off into the night, wandering the streets like a lost dog. He was my best friend, but that’s no great achievement; Desmond was a douche, Chip was a psychopath, Axel was a stoner and Benito just talked weird. Still, Emilio was good guy. He was always there and he reminded me of me. It wasn’t nice to see him down and out; he’s normally rather cheery but things had taken his toll. It was as if something paranormal had entered our lives.

As I entered the cab I just hailed, I ponder that maybe things will never be normal for us.


This post has been edited by AceRay on Wednesday, Jan 4 2012, 10:55

[AceRay]

I hope someone is f*cking reading these things sometime. I am generally interested in feedback so please PM me if you have any thoughts!

Chapter 9: Invisible Wars

Sweat dripped off my brow as I sat in the seat nervously. This was it. This was the move that was going to win it all. It had all come down to this.

I picked up the bishop, moved it across the board and shouted ‘Checkmate’ in one swift moment. Axel took the joint out of his mouth in surprise. He thought he had me. I lean back on my chair and shoot him a smug grin.

“Play again?” I offer him.

“Damn, you’re too good at this,” he uttered as we set up the pieces again. Suddenly, Chip comes up from the bedroom and laughs at me for some reason.

“Hey, Gil, I heard you fell out with Violet…” Chip said, chortling like a schoolboy.

“And…” I say, expecting the worse.

“Well, let’s just say that her and I are something now…” I jump up from my seat and shove my fist in his face.

“If you hurt her, I’ll hunt you down and kill you. You hear?”

“Oh, touch a soft spot, big boy? Can’t handle a little… competition,” Chip laughed as he walked out the door, me left steaming on the spot at his childish antics.

I sat down and was about to play when suddenly Edgar burst through the door of Marco’s, sweaty and worried.

“What’s the problem boss?” Desmond asked from the counter.

“Some Lupisella businessmen are going to be coming round to make amends. It’s the beginning of a new partnership.”

“What?!” I shouted in anger. I grit my teeth at the thought of allying with those thugs. Edgar obviously didn’t know about my encounter with Wes at Violet’s but I couldn’t bear it. “How could we work with those dumbasses?”

“Gil! I was expecting more from you. You know that gang wars are bad for business,” Edgar said, shaking his finger at me. “Tut, tut, tut.”

“I don’t understand. Why don’t we just get the Triads or Angels on our sides, like we did with the Ancelottis?”

“Yes, but then we can’t pay them with counterfeit money for their goods!” chuckling lightly with that, he turned to Desmond and barked at him. “Get Emilio down here and tell Benito to get the cash! Don’t want things going too sour.”

As Axel packed up the chess pieces, I lean against the wall and sign, checking that I have my guns at the ready. The Lupisella family were up to something; no doubt about. I don’t get how Edgar could be this stupid. He keeps trying to be friends with everybody, but it doesn’t work like that in the criminal business. Hell, Edgar should know this; he’s ten years older than me. Every time I look at him, I have to stare down at his gigantic bald spot. Yet he’s still clueless at it all. He hasn’t got what it takes to be a mobster.

“Hey, Gilberto, you look lost in your own thought!” Emilio takes me by surprise when he speaks, his voice surprisingly calm for the gargantuan event that was about to take place in his life.

“Nah, all good… You going to be alright with Federico and whatnot?” I say, changing the subject.

“Yeah, I’d say so. I’m hoping this can be a new beginning with my relationship with my brother.”

“Really?” I asked suspiciously.

“Yeah. You know, when we were kids, our father beat us regularly back in Tuscany. But Federico, he took the worst of it. But underneath, he was a cool guy. When we were alone, he used to open up and… he was just a nice guy. Then he fell on bad times when we moved to America and things went sour,” Emilio sighed depressingly, angry at the circumstances of it. “I hope right here, things will be different.”

“Quite optimistic of you,” I whispered to him.

“I guess. But that’s the way I want things to work out. I’m going to buy a big house with a white picket fence and the works. And I’m going to have two kids with Sarah, a boy and a girl…” as Emilio trailed on in his imaginary life, I pitied him. I couldn’t believe he thought that tonight would go smoothly and everyone would walk into the sunset, happy and satisfied. I knew what was really going to happen, absently caressing my pistols.

After about ten minutes, we heard two cars pull up outside. Everybody readied themselves for the incoming slaughter. Edgar stood near the door with Axel, Emilio and me standing behind him. Then, Federico walked through the door with two greasy guards next to him. He tilted his cowboy hat when he saw us and sneered, exposing his yellow, broken teeth.

“Edgar! So good to see you!” he exclaimed, stretching his arms out to sides. “So, you got my money!” He hadn't recognized his brother yet or was just ignoring him, despite Emilio’s constant coughing.

“Yeah, got it right here,” Edgar handed the silver case to him. “All twenty-five grand!” Surprisingly, Federico looked offended at the offer.

“No, no, I’m talking about the real money,” Federico demanded. Edgar looked nervous when, without warning, Axel grabbed a duffel bag from the ground and chucked it at the guard, grinning at Federico.

“He sold us out.”

“No, I sold you out Gil. I sold you out,” He yelled, pointing his finger at me and emphases the ‘you’ part of the sentence. I was about to scream obscenities at the creep but Emilio decided to input his two cents first.

“How could you do it Federico? To your own brother?”

“Half-brothers,” he corrected him. “You always, always leave that part out, don’t you? You know your mom was a slut and that’s why daddy beat her all day, every day!” he screeched into his face. He then turned to walk away, with Axel following close behind. The guards raised their shotguns at us.

“Finish them!” they screamed as they ran out. The guard then sent a shotgun pallet right through Desmond’s skull, killing him. I never liked Desmond, and I even felt glee when the blood slowly soaked into the floor from his head wound and his eyes glazed over into a dead stare. I pushed any form of remorse to the back of my mind. Benito almost got killed, but instead of exploding into shower of blood, all that exploded was the cheap liqueur than showered over him as he dived for cover.

Edgar and Emilio had already got to cover but the shooters were busy tearing out the freaking place. I grab my pistols and fling them out, my trench coat blowing in the wind. Within a second, I had sent two bullets into each of their brains, making them smear all over the walls. They slumped to the ground like twigs, but the fight wasn’t over.

“We’ve got to get him!” I shout, my guns still smoking.

“That’s right! Take my car!” Edgar shouted as he tossed me the keys to his Sentinel. “Take Emilio with you.”

As soon as we got outside, I could see Federico and Axel speed off in their Sultan. We rushed towards Edgar’s car around the corner and jumped in as quickly as possible. Emilio let out a tear as we screeched around the corner to see the Sultan tearing down the street.

“Damn, damn, damn! How could I let this happen?” Emilio squealed when we drifted round the streets trying to catch the bastards.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it now. I’m gonna cap their asses,” I say cold and dry, to him as I roll down the window and lean out with my pistol firmly gripped in my paws, ready to whack the two. The first shot hits the back window and shatters the glass, scaring the driver. The second shot I fire hits the passenger and the shots ring in my ears. They turn down Suffolf in a desperate bid to escape but it was all over. I fire three more shots as they turn a corner; the first two hit the tires, causing the car to barrel roll and while it was upside down in mid-air, I fire another, killing the driver. As soon as the car rolls back the right way, both Federico and Axel were dead.

“I can’t believe it,” Emilio spits out as I exit the car and stroll to the wreck, chuckling at my success. Excited to see the duo, I pop open the door and am horrified by what I saw.

A random guy looked me strait in the eye, dead. Axel and Federico were nowhere to be seen. It was a decoy. They had gotten away.

“What is it?” Emilio shouts out as he struggles to pull himself out from the Sentinel.

“It was a f*cking decoy! That’s what!” Emilio almost puked up when he heard me utter those words. In anger, I fired my pistol into the goon’s face until it turned into a bloody, broken mess that dripped blood onto the floor. Knowing that Federico, Axel and Wes were still out there, the lurking dangers in the shadows, endangering my family and my loved ones just made me sick. “Okay, let’s go back to the store and try to think things through.” I say as I enter the Sentinel again, hiding my true anxieties to the already-unstable Emilio, who looked green.

When we strolled back into the store, everyone looked grim. There was a red bloodstain where Desmond’s body once lay and a trail of blood leading towards the basement.

“What are we going to do now?” I ask Edgar.

“Nothing,” Emilio sits down on the couch and nods in agreement. Benito looked on, depressed.

“Are you f*cking serious?!” I shout out. “You call yourselves tough? How about we crush those Lupisella fools to the bone! We’re going to show those wannabee tough guys what it means it be a tough guy!”

“Okay, big shot, what do you say?” Edgar asks suspiciously.

“Right, first, we ally ourselves with the powerful Gambetti family and convince them to destroy the Lupisella. Then we mop up the rewards!”

“How we gonna do that?” I whip out my phone and laugh.

“Like this,” I dial Granville’s number, waiting for him to pick up the phone. Through him, we could get to the Gambetti family and rise to the top, taking down every gang from the street banging M.O.B. to the international Russian mobsters. I was excited, but nervous. And as Edgar, Benito and Emilio looked at me with confusion, Granville answered the phone.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Gil, and have I got a business proposition for you!”


This post has been edited by AceRay on Wednesday, Jan 4 2012, 10:51

[aragond]

Hi all, just quickly: my computer has died (I type at work, smarty-pants), and this will be an [insert-your-best-guess] week delay for me getting back to ratings.

Don't worry, this infuriates me more than it does you. I'll let y'all know when I do.

PS; Thanks for the PM, Ace, I appreciate all the work you're putting in. You *sure* you don't have Staff aspirations?

[AceRay]

QUOTE (aragond @ Monday, Dec 12 2011, 01:43)

PS; Thanks for the PM, Ace, I appreciate all the work you're putting in. You *sure* you don't have Staff aspirations?

Actually, yeah, I think becoming Staff would be pretty cool. I've been reading a few older ratings and I think I get the jist of this 'rating' thing. I'm just worried I'd be rating, like, one story by Don G and then posting a whole list of MY stories that are yet to be rated. If I were to become Staff, I'm expecting a big increase of demand, so I'd PM people I think would be good writers around this area and encourage them to join.

[theclefe]

Hey All. Can't believe this is still rolling, but I can't imagine why it would stop. I wrote for BUYG back during SA. I wish I could find the old thread but it looks like it doesn't exist or is hidden somewhere. I come on GTAForums once in a while I just happened to catch this thread and I'm really excited to write again. There are so many also detail in GTA IV that can help give color to good RP stories.

I'll be honest, I didn't have time to read through the 100+ Pages, but I'm just going to jump back into this. I figured no one would be upset if I just post chapters. Feel free to correct me if I'm screwing up.

North Holland Hustlers
Wichita Gardens Reunion
Chapter 1

Walking across the courtyard of Vespucci University was a moment Derek Price thought would never come. The soles of his shoes clacked as he walked along the the gray pavers of Ruby Street. To his right and left, the massive gray columns that bracketed the quad symbolized the unwavering power the law school garnered among the Liberty City elite. And now he was one of them.

Well, not really. He wasn’t a lawyer, but he was now a professor of accounting in the Accounting, Taxation and Law Department. The youngest professor at Vespucci, and arguably the brightest. Price was a genius with numbers. Only a few in the world could match his mathematical prowess. He turned down mathematics departments from nearly every prestigious university to come to Vespucci. Not because the pay was better, or the position more glamorous, but because he could live and work in Liberty City. THE Liberty City. The greatest city in the world.

Growing up in Blueberry, Price always dreamed of living in the big city. Visiting between semesters only amplified his desire. Now he was here. A new life, a new school year, and all the problems of San Andreas behind him.

Giggles fractured his thought as a group of coeds passed by, dressed for the warm September weather, on their way to class. Rich young women, freshly tan from a summer on the beach. Women he would now be teaching.

Price reached Galveston St., looked left and saw La Cruz Restaurant. A fellow teacher recommended it for lunch. He had a day to refine his class syllabus and there was no better study treat than nachos.

--

Exeter Ave was buzzing as Mike Drury smoked a cigarette outside of Overt. A Modo and D.J.M bag was already in his hand, holding them while his girlfriend tried on sweaters inside. Folks getting out of work were starting to line up at the Movie Pit ticket window. He wondered what was playing.

“I’m Hungry.” Drury turned to see his girlfriend emerge with another bag in hand, held out to give to him. “Let’s go back to the hotel, change, and head downtown,“ She suggested, leading Mike by the hand back to the Hotel Hamilton a block away. “I can’t wait to see Star Junction.”

The two were on vacation. Drury had returned from Iraq just a week ago and the redeployment counselor said he and Heather should take a vacation to rekindle their relationship. When she suggested heading down to Liberty, he jumped at the idea to go anywhere that was sand-less. He just wished Heather booked the room.

In his rural town, a $39 motel room was top of the line. The Hamilton Hotel was $39, but anything but top of the line. When tourism is low, they supplemented their income renting rooms to the local homeless shelter. Drury couldn’t imagine a time when tourism was high for the Hamilton.
When his girlfriend first walked into the lobby, protected by an armed guard, she almost walked back out. It took a little convincing from Mike to keep her from taking a taxi and heading to Middle Park, but she eventually relented. When they got to their room and found bunk beds, the two broke out in laughter before Mike teasingly claimed the top bunk.

The two walked North along Exeter, chatting and window shopping. “Wait,” Heather said, pausing on the sidewalk. “Did I go in that store yet?” Mike shook his head and watched her swing open another glass door.

--

Cootie Sayles stepped out of the Adios terminal at Francis International Airport with a bag slung over his shoulder and a Colombian passport in hand. By the curb, a rusted blue Burrito growled. Sayles gave a look of disgust, then popped the handle and climbed in. Sayles waited until they hit the highway before tossing the fake passport out of the window.

This post has been edited by theclefe on Monday, Dec 19 2011, 14:54

[theclefe]

North Holland Hustlers
Wichita Gardens Reunion
Chapter 2

The burrito pulled into the parking lot of off Franfort Ave with a squeal. Through the windshield Sayles saw the bland, brown brick and the depressingly small window frames of the Northwood Projects. Over a decade ago he called them Wichita Gardens, his home.

Sayles looked up at the buildings. Laundry flapped out a pair of windows on the seventh floor while children played in front of the entrance. Everything looked the same, but Liberty City had changed. Everything he had worked for has been destroyed, and to Cootie, there was only one guy to blame.

“Are you glad to be back Cootie?” said Tai-ler from behind the steering wheel of the Burrito, breaking the long silence. A cousin of Sayles, he was one of the few family members savvy enough to keep in touch with over the internet while in exile. “It's been so long. My momma is going to be so excited to see you.”

Tai-ler's mom, Cootie's aunt, was always very close to Sayles through his childhood. She never condoned gang bangin'. She stopped talking to Cootie when he refused to take off his Red Jack colors at Thanksgiving, stopped recognizing him as a relative after he stole her jewelry a few weeks later. He honestly doubted his aunt was happy to see him.

“I don’t think you should tell her I’m here,” said Cootie, “I’m trying to keep a low profile. If anyone is still looking for me, I don’t want to make it easy.” Tai-ler nodded. “D-Ice still live in building C?"

Tai-ler hesitated. “Same crib… but I don’t think he can help you Cootie. He isn’t the same anymore. What the Niners did to him was pretty f*cked. I mean, he can talk and everything, but the Jacks collapsed after that with you and Del gone.”

D-Ice was the long-time of the Wichita Garden Red Jacks, a gang that carved out a nitch for themselves in the Liberty City at the turn of the century. They and the Niners bitterly fought for control of northern Algonquin for a decade, a battle that the Red Jacks seemed to take control of by 2001.

Seeing himself as a visionary, D-Ice began expanding the Jacks outside of Liberty to establish footholds. In 2004, he sent Cootie and his friend G-Del to San Fierro to help build up the Red Jacks presence in the city. They were the best of his young followers. Sayles and Del crossed the country, cleaned out the riff-raff and built the San Fierro Red Jacks in a physical and financial powerhouse. It didn’t last long though.

Just a year later, G-Del was locked up and Sayles escaped to Colombia to avoid the FIB. The San Fierro gang collapsed. Without the money and with his people spread thin, the Liberty City Jacks soon followed. It all culminated when the Niners bludgeoned D-Ice with baseball bats, leaving him with partial brain damage.
With the Jacks gone, the North Holland Hustlers rose to power quickly, absorbing the two rivals without much incident.

“I’ll leave my bag here and be right back."

--
D-Ice had always been a recluse, often talking to outsiders over the phone rather than meeting in person. He spent a lot of time in his apartment, and the rooms in Northwood weren’t spacious. Now that he was disabled, D-Ice almost never left the house, and the small one bedroom flat smelled like it.

“Cootie! My hommie,” said D-Ice in a scratchy voice. He was sitting in a patched recliner in front the a television. “Where the f*ck have you been?”

“Hey Ice,” Cootie said. “Columbia, screwing bitches. How about you?”

“f*ck you,” D-Ice snapped, then cracked a smile. “I may be slow now, but I know you couldn’t get poon then, and after seeing you, I KNOW you can’t get poon now.”
Cootie laughed, then sat down on the couch next to Ice. “I’m back because I need your help.”

“Ah. You need to cap that f*ck.” Sayles nodded. “I’m sorry, my brother, I can’t do much for you. I can barely walk straight much less shoot someone for you. My hand would shake so much, I’m more likely to shoot myself.”

“I’ll do the shooting. I just need some help tracking him down. Maybe some hardware too.” Cootie looked down at his hands. I don’t want to be here long, so walking through the neighborhood looking for a piece will bring some unneeded attention.”

“I can’t help you,” Ice sighed. “I have nothing left. I haven’t had a gun in the house for years and all my contacts either became Hustlers or got out of the game.” D-Ice, shook his head, regretting what he had to say next. “If you need help, you need to talk to Monty Duggins and the Hustlers. I’ll set up the meeting. Just… be careful. He ain’t a normal gang banger.”

[AceRay]

Sup dawgs. Here's another another chapter. Its a bit shorter than normal but it was kind of dragging on a bit, so I shortened it. I also wanted to get an "Occupy The Exchange" gag in there before it becomes irrelevant. Expect Chapter 4 of the Law in the upcoming days(Edit: weeks) or so.

For my tenth story bonus, I demand the Sawn-off Shot.


Chapter 10: Human Revolution
As the shiny, gold doorknob left my palm, Granville’s lavish ordainments invited me into the man’s apartment. Various knick-knacks lined the walls on extravagant mental stands. An exquisite bear’s head was mounted on the silver wall above the 3D television showcased in the middle of the room with the matching glasses displayed clearly on the glass coffee table. The man himself was positioned behind his desk, waving his hand at me as I approached him and he shouted into his phone.

“No, no, you aren’t hearing me; I want you to tell those Russians I ain’t selling until they’re selling, you getting me? No, listen to me you fool, I don’t want to go half way, the ‘Occupy The Exchange’ movement dropped prices across the board, I can’t sell that oil now…” I cough, showing my impatience, to which he quickly finishes the conversation. “Okay, bye Daddy, see you at Christmas,” he throws down the phone onto the table and locks his hands, looking at me sheepishly.

“So,” he says finally. Granville rubs his bandage from the beating Chip gave him earlier and sighed.

“So, what you want? I’m a busy man, Grosso.”

“As am I. Now I heard you have connections to the Gambetti family. How about we help you out and you set us up a meeting, eh?”

“Why not cut out the middle man and deal directly with ’em,” Granville queried, taking off his glasses to get a better look at me.

“Ever since that, erm, chocolate cookie incident a year ago, they’re more than anxious to deal with the Pavanos now,” Granville sighed, rubbing his face with his bristly hands.

“I’m not certain, but I believe I could grant you and your associates a meeting with Dillon Dianella. But only if you do some work for me.”

“That’s fair,” it was my turn to sigh, knowing I had dirty work awaiting me.

“Right-o, you know how I had to leave Los Santos because of Koreans right?” I nod my head despite the fact that I didn’t know and didn’t want to know but Granville could tell I was lying so he told me anyway. “I used to dip my hands in the drug dealing business, you know, for a quick buck. One day, things f*cked up and I had to jump town. It was tough, they destroyed my bike…” he was trailing off and I didn’t have the time, so I make my discomfort obvious.

“Listen, bub, I don’t have all day. Skip to the chase.”

“Yes, alright. Basically, the Korean Mob has discovered me again and they want to finish the job.”

“So, you’re going to send me to whack their assassin, okay then,” I stand up to leave but Granville looks at me in disbelief.

“Oh no, no, no, they already tried to,” Granville says with small smile. “But I, uh, already took care of it,” he then pulls out a golden Desert Eagle and chuckles slightly. He stands up and points the gun at an imaginary target at the wall. “Bang bang.” And he pretends to fire the gun twice, smirking a little at his successes.

“Ah ha, I see,” I say as we walk across the room to the kitchen, Granville putting the gun on the table and replacing it with a coffee pot.

“Yeah, well, the trouble is that some lady saw it. She had a camera too, so now she has my mug shot too. Now some hotshot detective called Jeff Toast seems sure that I’m a high ranking member in the Gambetti family and it could lead to the end of the family. I don’t want to do that to Dillon but thankfully the cop doesn’t have the pictures yet, so all hope is not lost,” he pours a drink into a large mug and offers it to me but I refuse so he drinks it up himself in one gulp, burping loudly before continuing. “I don’t want to end up in the big house so I need you to… take that evidence from her,” whether or not this means violence, I didn’t know. It made me nervous, knowing I had to hit a woman. I hadn’t hit a woman since I can remember and the thought of it made my blood boil, but not letting it show on the outside.

“Where’s her apartment?”

“I don’t know, but the broad is currently at the Superstar Café, you know, the one in The Triangle. She took a cab there. Get the photos off her and get ‘em back to me,” Granville slammed the beaker onto the table with a bang. “Don’t harm her though, that won’t look good. Got to make it look like she was bluffing about the pictures, eh?” A massive sigh of relief overcomes me when he spoke those words and I quickly express my satisfaction.

“Good,” Granville’s paw swooped across and patted my shoulder in approval and smiled, revealing a set of sparkling teeth.

“Her name is Kristi Whitman,” He said as he escorted me to the door. "Take care of her, eh? Now get out of here,” I walk out the door and down the lobby to the elevator as Granville scuttles into his apartment and slams the door.


This post has been edited by AceRay on Tuesday, Jul 10 2012, 05:15

[AceRay]

@aragond: good luck with the computer.

Here's another chapter for The Law. Read away.

Chapter 4: Doughnut Disturb

The air was sultry. It swooned and wished around the police station, leaving a sour taste in my mouth. My desk was piled with paperwork I had to do. Ignoring the constant tapping that buzzed through the police office, I pulled out the nearest form. I knew it was probably important but the lines were just a blur; I couldn’t concentrate. The constant tapping on keyboards, the yelling of angry suspects, the laughing of cheery comrades; they were all buzzing around my head and f*cking with my thoughts. I slam my hands on the desk, creating a loud bang that caused everyone in a five meter radius to raise their weary heads in response to the noise.

Angered, I depart my desk and march to the water cooler to fetch me a drink. As the cool water drips down my throat, a sly, sharp voice makes itself present behind me.

“Tough day governor, eh?” I spin around to see the same sly face I see all the time whenever I stroll through the halls. It was none other than Calvin Galvin, five feet tall and sprouting a wry grin bigger that covered his face. He wore a greasy charcoal suit and a blazing gold tie, coupled with thick glasses perched upon his bumpy, acned nose.

“Galvin! I didn’t think I’d have the displeasure of gazing my eye upon you today,” he chuckled and scuffled past me to get a drink.

“Funny. Now, c’mon tough guy, what’s getting you down?” water dripped off down his cheeks and onto the floor as he gulped down the liquid. He grasped the cup in his hands and tossed it into the trash can. As it bounced off the rim of the steel frame bin and fell to the bottom, somehow I felt my own fate foreshadowed in its movements. United Liberty Paper were going to crush me to the bone and throw me into a vast chasm of despair, slowly falling towards my own painful death next to other chumps who got caught up in the political games they played. I was spiralling towards my own death so quickly; I could practically visualize the bullets pumping into my chest in a side alley and blood slowly trickling out of my ribcage onto the street.

“Uh, hello, buddy, you’ve standing there with eyes as big as saucepans staring at the rubbish bin for over a minute now,” Galvin’s annoying words bring me back down to reality.

“Uh, yeah, nothing, just a, uh, hard case I’ve gotta solve, you know?” I stutter out. Galvin looks unconvinced, but I quickly move back towards my desk. Galvin struts down towards me to talk about some irrelevant sh*t but suddenly Toast, Walsh and Toast’s partner Solomon Swansong walk in. Swansong was a man wearing an impressive leather trench coat with a white shirt underneath and charcoal pants with thick black hair. His face was constantly stuck in a half-grin, half-sneer expression and he had a kind squinty look in his eyes. The only thing that matched his appearance was his sarcasm; he spoke sparingly and when he did, there was always a hint of wit, even sadness, in his voice.

“Seriously boys, the Pavano family are going down. Edgar Di Luca doesn’t even know how bad it is. F*ck, Solomon here is going undercover in their family soon, there’s no way they’re going to last,” Toast chattered on, not realizing no one gave two hoots.

“Hey Toast, long time no see,” Galvin spat out as the three approached us. Toast acknowledged his presence by chuckling at his eagerness and shaking his hand.

“How’s it Galvin?”

“So, so, you know. It’s pretty hard getting all this paperwork done, you know, and I feel that Finley isn’t too happy…”

“Hey, you do realize this is my desk don’t you?” I speak up as I realized everyone circled my desk like eagles, prying on me, waiting for me to snap.

“Eh, what’s you problem?” Toast inquired. Thankfully, at that moment, Damon Dorado called out from Finley’s office.

“Hey Solomon, there’s been a shooting up in Northwood.”

“I blame video games,” Swansong commented to his friend and left, “C’mon Toast.”

And they left. Now that it was just Galvin, Walsh and me, it was now time to make like a tree and leave.

“Hey Walsh, want to go for a walk,” I say as I get up from my desk and shove my papers into a folder. Walsh nods and we stroll out down the stairs.

“Okay, see you when you, Shiver.”

“Yeah, see you ‘round, son,” Walsh and I soon stroll out into the Westminster police car park. It was deserted in our favour; only a couple of patrol cars and the sewer rats were present for the upcoming conversation.

“Got the files?”

“Yeah, got ‘em right here,” Walsh pulls out a few papers from his coat pocket and shoves them into my hand. “Slipped them from him while we were having doughnuts. Boy, that guy loves to talk.”

“Good,” I mutter. “You got your car back?”

“Nope, still at the shop. Got a lot of work to do on the Lokus…” as we strolled down to the street, I figured now would be the perfect time to pry some answers out of the clown.

“What happened in the army down south, Walsh?” Walsh is instantly angered by the burning question and hastily defends himself from answering.

“I can’t tell you,” he says bluntly.

“C’mon, Walsh, I’ll tell you my secrets. Sheldon got into some dirty businesses with a Latino crime lord; I had to sneak him out of the city. Plus you got a couple of bribery cases but its no big deal. I’m a good guy here!” I babble out, hoping it could break him. Liberty City spread out for eternity around us as Walsh stood his ground.

“I don’t care what you did or didn’t do, I’m not an open book. What happened in the past is of no concern to you. You mind your business and I’ll mind mine.”

“I’m not sure if you’ve notice but we’re in this together. If you don’t start being honest with me, we’re going to have some problems,” Walsh finally sees my reasoning and buckles. Half a minute passes as Walsh contemplates confessing to me about the big army incident.

“Let’s just say that I… we caused some things that shouldn’t have happened. I’m still killing myself over it. Just thinking about gets me in stitches. You know how it is,” I really didn’t know ‘how it is’ but I could tell that this was the first time that Walsh had ever mentioned this since it happened, so I let him off with his cryptic message.

“Thanks. Uh, I got to hand the papers to the man upstairs so… see you round,” and with that, I hailed a taxi and made out of there pronto. Walsh sombrely waltzed back into the police station.

After a couple of rides, one in a taxi and the other in an elevator, I found myself standing outside room 396 inside the United Liberty Paper building. I clenched Hasson’s papers tightly and waited for the moment the contact to let me in. Then, on cue, he did.

The door swung open and a medium sized man with black hair in a suit was on the other side, looking disgruntled and worried.

“Don’t mind him, just come in Shiver,” the contact yelled from his desk. The man shoves past me and disappeared into the elevator. “Got the files?”

“Keep your pants on, they’re right here.”

“Hey, what’s with the hostility? Never done any dirty work before?” He lighted a cigar and chuckled at his own sarcasm. “I find that unlikely.”

“Ha ha, can I go now?”

“No. You know Grace? I want you to meet her tomorrow morning. She’ll be on Joliet Street in South Bohan at seven o’clock exactly,” he then took out a small package wrapped in brown paper and placed it at the end of the table. “Give this to her.”

“Why can’t you, you lazy sh*t.”

“Watch your language.”

“What do you think this is, Nickelodeon?”

“Again, you don’t get to ask questions. I just want you to give it to her,” I snatch the package off the desk. It was as light as a feather and easily slipped into my pocket. As I turn to leave the room, he shoots me another question. “Found out anything about Walsh’s past yet?”

“No,” he then laughed and put down his cigar, giving me a cynical look.

“Ask him about Matthew Grey, that will make him sh*t his pants,”

“I’m nobody’s messenger boy,” I spout out at him and turn to leave. “I’m their delivery boy.”

“That’s the spirit!” he calls out as I left the office and slammed the door behind me, off to leave the building.


This post has been edited by AceRay on Tuesday, Jan 31 2012, 05:32

[Don Giovanni]

Are we going to get new ratings soon? I'm waiting on new ratings before updating my stories for The Law.

[AceRay]

QUOTE (Don Giovanni @ Sunday, Jan 8 2012, 05:44)

Are we going to get new ratings soon? I'm waiting on new ratings before updating my stories for The Law.

Patience, brother. Aragond's last comment appears to inquire that his computer might be in a state of disrepair and will need to reassess the components of the machine. Therefore, reviews of all literacy pieces has been delayed.

In short, aragond's computer has died and there's a delay in ratings.

However, I might hijack this thread in a couple of months and do my own ratings if things still aren't moving on, just to keep the thread alive. So, be aware.

[Build Up Your Gang]

Ladies (really? There are any?) and Gentlemen,

Please join me in welcoming our newest recruit to the BUYG Staff pool.

Please be gentle with him.

(Ratings will be posted soon-ish)

[Build Up Your Gang]

Greetings and welcome to the FIRST REVIEWS OF 2012! Time to reboot this sh*t… again. This is also the first ratings by your humble servant, the newest member of staff, so I hope I don’t f*ck it up. Also note that I will rate your story so don’t feel that your story isn’t going to be rated.

vinnygorgeous
The Law | ??? | Chapter 1: Alphabetized
$43 + $0 = $43

Wow! Nice length! 1965 words is very impressive. It also introduces a host of interesting characters and kept my interest long enough to follow through. Good job! The interrogation scene was a lot of fun to read. I also really enjoyed the line “ As a young man he had been an idealist unwilling to bend his ethics for career development and consequently had ended up working for those who had no such qualms, the ladder to the top was covered in a grease that pollutes the soul and corrupts the mind. ” This was a very good line which creates imagery in the reader’s mind, which is good. If I have one observation it would be a couple of grammar nicks. The most common one is the misconception below.

“Your either going to jail or your going to get whacked.”
You’ve mistaken your for you’re. It’s easy to get caught out on this, but it’s easy to learn too.
Your is possessive. Basically, you own something.
Example: “ Your new pony keeps crapping in your bedroom. ” This refers to your pony and your bedroom.
You’re is a contraction of “you are”.
Example: “You’re definitely cleaning out the bedroom before I sleep in there again .” This translates to “you are definitely cleaning…”
After that explanation, the above sentence should be the following below.
“You’re either going to jail or you’re going to get whacked. ”
Now that you know, hope it doesn’t come up again. Also, you forget to capitalize some words in the second half and the story, like “special agent Vega” should be “Special Agent Vega.” I feel that you got a bit tired of writing so much and just got a little slack, so it is understandable but try to iron them out next time.

Also, it appears that you’ve got more stories that you wrote under the old system. Therefore, it would help staff intensely if you could list a few of them and PM them staff, in case you want to carry them over. But I really liked this one.

Albokid555
Albanian Mob | Deli Grocery Tobacco Shop | Chapter 1
$24 + $0 = $24

The first thing I noticed with this story was the way all the text was aligned with weird line breaks in the middle of sentences. I’m sure this was unintentional and must be some sort of coding problem but please make sure it doesn’t again, cause its very, very ugly and hard to read.

Secondly, there are numerous grammar errors, such as:
“Mike Grant,some petty thief…” needs a space between the comma and ‘some’, making it this: “Mike Grant, some petty thief….” Make sure you also end all your sentences with a full stop.
Each new line of dialogue needs to be in its own sentence, as the last review made clear. So it’s not:
"Nice piece you got there," "Yeah that idiot was well armed" I said
But instead, it’s:
"Nice piece you got there,"

"Yeah that idiot was well armed" I said.
Nationalities are capitalized like names and locations, so its Russians instead of russians.
“I got out of the car and so did Blerim.” This is unnecessarily long and could have been shortened to “We got out of the car.”
Little things like this are easy to fix and make your story much easier to read, so be diligent with it.

It also appears that this is actually two stories, a prologue and a chapter, but since the prologue is just too small at 204 words, staff has combined both stories to make a good 977 word story. Nice length.

Furthermore, the combat in this chapter is very matter of fact in its execution. Try to add more flare and detail. Ariton arrives at the Platypus, sees some Russians shooting and instantly goes and snaps one of their necks. It made it like a walk in the park. Try to make the fighting intense and snappy. I also felt like you could have skipped the robbery scene and went straight to the fight with the Russians and made it longer and more exciting.

Ultimately, a nice effort but the constant grammar mistakes and rushed sequences of events keep the score down.

Don Giovanni
Triads | ??? | Chapter 1: In The Beginning
$27 + $0 = $27

Right-o, first up, this chapter is just too short at 351 words, which is a shame as it definitely has potential. 600 words is the bare minimum but you should really be aiming for 750 – 1000. If you’re having trouble keeping it up, then simply expand on what you’ve got and make the reader interested in the situation. What makes the bus grinding and obnoxious? If you still can’t make it long enough, consider adding in more scenes, or making scenes longer.

Also, you mention New York, which is a big no no. LC is NY, so there shouldn’t be any references to the real life city LC is based on. It appears that you’ve abandoned this storyline, so I won’t lecture about this one.

Don Giovanni
The Law | United Liberty Paper | Chapter 1
$34 + $27 = $61

This one is longer at 659 words, which is scrapping the bottom of the barrel in terms of length but it will do for now. Just remember there’s scrapping the bottom of the barrel and then there’s grinding the bottom of the barrel into a fine powder and snorting it off a toilet seat. But overall, there are no major grammar issues, although you don’t need a full stop in Mr. Furtune and Grey’s motto shouldn’t have been capitalized. Paycheck is two words and Northeasten should be North-eastern and you spelled fluorescent as flourescent . Other than that though, its fine.

The main problem I had with it was how you kind of tell the reader all of the facts straight up, like how you tell the reader how Grey was recruited from the army or how Fortune was his superior and newest boss. Now, the last ratings showed us that it is better to infer facts, rather than just tell. Let the readers figure things out for themselves rather than you telling them. It would have been better if you drip feed the reader facts like this and make them figure it out. For example, instead of saying that Grey needs a nice suit to impress Fortune, how about implying it? Like, maybe, “ Different clothing invoke various responses from whoever you’re trying to impress, and my current clothing would make businessmen blush in their pathetic suits. ” Eh, that’s not great, but you get the picture. Try reading Mascaron’s story for clever ways to imply stuff.

I also thought that Grey’s thoughts were kind of tacked on in the end to increase the word count. I believe AceRay PMed you about the length, so maybe this was the case.. Anyway, maybe you could have had some sort of narrative going alongside it, like “As I got into the cab, the thoughts kept coming, shrouding my mind in darkness.” Okay, that was pretty bad, but you get the idea. I also thought the dialogue was a little bit hammy in parts, you know what I mean? Like, you could have had a bit more flair and color in there, rather than the little bit robot-ish conversation Grey and Fortune had. Not having “he said” and “I said” in every line earns you back brownie points, but it wouldn’t have hurt to have something like “Fortune looked at me suspiciously" every once in a while, just to throw more emotion in there or something.

All in all, a nice introduction. While you haven’t posted a story since, I believe this was more of a case of not being able to buy guns to use as you have been checking in. This staff member is excited for what comes next.

mrpain
Irish Mob | Steinway Beer Garden | Chapter 1: Out
$39 + $0 = $39

Another quickie, at 652 words, which is a shame, as it’s involving and is a good introduction for what could be an interesting storyline. Grammatically, it’s mostly fine, although please consider adding lines between dialogue. Dialed also has two l’s in it.

One problem I had was how… casual the writing was. I kind of got the feeling that he was talking to me from across the table, which is what first person writing is about of course, but you kind of get carried away at some points. This particular line got me irked “I gave him the cash and exited like a boss. Yes I really did.” Seriously? I know that Brian is really proud about re-entering the crime business, the last paragraphs were about him boasting about it. You don’t need to confirm something if you just said it. It is kind of like reading a post on the actual GTAF, with other lines like “I should probably mention my sister’s a nurse.” or “So what do you think I was gonna do?” Rhetorical questions are fine but you kind of get carried away sometimes.

Nice story, but too short, as I’ve mentioned before. Staff believes that you’ve got a lot on your plate but I hope you have the time to throw some more stories in. Also, if you want your old stories on your card, please mention it and we’ll get something working.

theclefe
North Holland Hustlers|??? | Chapter 1
$34 + $0 = $34

Welcome back to the game, apparently. The first thing I need to know is this: where is the Wichita Garden Projects? To play the game, you have to pick one of the properties for the gang, because otherwise, people would manipulate the system into setting their stories in WW2 Germany or Jupiter. So, you have to have your property at Dwayne’s apartment, Playboy X’s loft or The Triangle club. Note that you don’t have to include Dwayne or Playboy X in your stories just because they’re in there, you could just say they moved out or died or whatever and give their places to Jerry or Monty or whoever.

Another thing I noticed was how you posted two stories in a 24 hour period. Normally, this is a big no, because otherwise Staff gets overwhelmed with stories but since there really haven’t been any ratings in a few months, I’ll forgive you. Don’t do it again though.

Anyhow, to the story! Basically, it’s an introduction of three characters, which is fine as I’m interested in how they will interact. Price interests me in particularly, as I don’t think anyone has taken the university professor angle approach before. I could imagine him losing all credibility and turning to crime affably. The thing is, Sayles’ short paragraph should have really put into the following story instead of this one, but you just threw it in because you realized it wouldn’t be about the NHH otherwise, and instead about two random guys in LC. I guess that’s my biggest issue about it; it’s not about the Hustlers. Sure, learning about Price is nice and Drury is furry (couldn’t think of anything that rhymes with it) but it ultimately has to be about the gang. That’s why the game is called “Build Up Your Gang” and not “Build Up Your University” or “Build Up Your Shopping Bag”. Try to focus your stories more about the gangs, perhaps.

And now, the grammar! Coeds should really be Co-eds, as it’s an abbreviation. You have misplaced a couple of capital letters. “…and head downtown, “ She suggested…” The “she” shouldn’t be capitalized, as it follows a comma. counselor should be spelled counsellor. Gray should be spelled Grey (although it is debatable, but most of the world spell it Grey, but America accepts both. Note that Gray is more common for a last name). Oh and at 650 words, this one is also a little bit on the short side.

And finally, you’ve misused a Burrito. You’re not allowed to use cars unless you’ve bought them.

theclefe
North Holland Hustlers|??? | Chapter 2
$38 + $34 = $72

814 words! Great length! Grammatically, the same problems arise; several misplaced capital letters (and sometimes missing), several spelling errors and a couple of format mistakes. Just FYI, burrito needs to be capitalized because it’s a vehicle’s name and jewelry is spelt jewellery.

However, I must say that you’ve used the Burrito, which you don’t own. Sorry about that, but rules are rules. But I’ll shorten it down into one penalty, because, well, Staff is in a jolly mood and doesn’t want to scare away from the thread and also the first one is pretty minor.

Staff likes how this one focused on Sayles, and gave an interesting background to a troubled gang banger deciding to get into the gang who practically defeated his old gang. Me like this Sayles character, he’s interesting. So, all in all a good story, but please iron out those grammatical mistakes

Illegal use of vehicle (Burrito): penalty pending.

--

And now, the writer’s cards everyone’s so desperately wanted! Everyone who’s posted a story has now got a writer’s card because their story has been rated! Yay! The only person who hasn’t is AceRay, as he hasn’t got all his stories rated, sadly. But I’m sure he won’t mind!
IF YOU HAVE A ??? NEXT TO YOUR PROPERTY, YOU NEED TO SPECIFY WHERE! PM OR JUST POST IT WITH YOUR NEXT STORY. Sorry, but there are quite a few people without properties. But here they all are:


the mighty kubelgog

Gang	Petrovic Bratva	Total
Details	Story Count: 2 Active Property: The Cabaret Club (Perestrokia) Money Earned: $76 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Mar 20 2011	Money: $76 Stories: 2
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Rebla

Sanjeem

Gang	The Gambetti Family	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: ??? Money Earned: $32 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Apr 22 2011	Money: $32 Stories: 1
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Sentinel

Mascaron

Gang	Petrovic Bratva	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: The Cabaret Club (Perestroika) Money Earned: $44 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Aug 14 2011	Money: $44 Stories: 1
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Rebla

batmankidal

Gang	The Lost MC	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: The Lost MC clubhouse Money Earned: $28 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Jul 13 2011	Money: $28 Stories: 1
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Zombie

Rush

Gang	The Pegorino Family	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: Drusilla’s Money Earned: $36 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Aug 2 2011	Money: $36 Stories: 1
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Sentinel

Albokid555

Gang	The Albanian Mob	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: ??? Money Earned: $24 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Aug 16 2011	Money: $24 Stories: 1
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Futo

vinnygorgeous

Gang	The Law	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: ??? Money Earned: $43 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Aug 16 2011	Money: $43 Stories: 1
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Police Patrol

Don Giovanni

Gang	Triads	The Law	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: ??? Money Earned: $27 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Sep 7 2011	Story Count: 1 Active Property: United Liberty Paper Money Earned: $34 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Sep 26 2011	Money: $61 Stories: 1
Weapons	---	---
Vehicles	Feroci	Police Patrol

mrpain

Gang	Irish Mob	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: Steinway Beer Garden Money Earned: $40 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Nov 5 2011	Money: $40 Stories: 1
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Vincent

theclefe

Gang	North Holland Hustlers	Total
Details	Story Count: 2 Active Property: ??? Money Earned: $72 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Dec 5 2011	Money: $72 Stories: 2
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Vigero

One last thing I should probably mention. There's this dude called AceRay, who's been spamming this thread with all his crappy stories. They give me such a headache, I'll let some other staff rate them, if you know what I mean.

Albanian Mob

AceRay
The Albanian Mob | Platypus | Chapter 3: My enemy’s enemy
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

Pavano Family

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 1: Family reduction
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 2: Revelation
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 3: Things heat up
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 4: Chip off the old block
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 5: Dirt nap
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 6: Karma Chameleon
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 7: Abort this!
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 8: Calm before the Storm
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 9: Invisible Wars
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 10: Human Revolution
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

The Law

AceRay
The Law |United Liberty Paper | Chapter 1: The handyman
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
The Law |United Liberty Paper | Chapter 2: Fall from grace
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
The Law |United Liberty Paper | Chapter 3: Misfortune
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
The Law | United Liberty Paper | Chapter 4: Doughnut Disturb
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

North Holland Hustlers

AceRay
North Holland Hustlers | Playboy X's Loft | Chapter 1: Welcome to Liberty City
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending


Ratings by AceRay, PHD and there's more to come.

This post has been edited by Build Up Your Gang on Thursday, Feb 2 2012, 07:32

[Don Giovanni]

I'll buy a Pistol for The Law.