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[Im Rick James B**ch!]

I was browsing through my old school work when i noticed this short story. I think it was well written considering i was 13 at the time. Although it was a few years ago, i don't recall finishing it, hence the abrupt ending. It was only homework so it is also very short, even when accounting for its unfinished status.

I slowly grasp the firm grip of the baseball bat. The damp grass soaks my feet and a strong wind whips my face forcing me to shield it with my hands. Tall gumtrees crowd around me as the rain cuts into my skin. If it were daytime I would bear witness to an array of faded green and brown leaves dancing in the wind and distorted grey trunks which exemplify the harsh Australian environment. Instead the trees prove to be nothing more than obstacles, whose silhouettes extinguishes my sense of direction.

My nostrils fill with the sickening sense of my own sweat. My heart thumps like a heavy metal drum solo, its reverberating beating fighting for superiority amongst the sounds of a distant road and torrential rain. Adrenaline surges through my body, pumping through my veins. My heart now beating with such intensity that the veins in my eyes are pulsating with every heartbeat. The rain now thundering down with such vehemence that it is as if I am looking through a waterfall. My brain, now operating purely on fear and adrenaline, begins to ache as I endeavour to elucidate the situation.

Prior to my abduction, I was, like all politicians, a philanthropic, gregarious, individual. Although I am known to be slightly mendacious, I have always served my constituents in a manner which maintains my integrity. My abductors however acted on behalf of an individual who believes that it was my deception and propaganda which led to his brother’s suicide, consequently making me culpable for his demise which was what supposedly galvanised his animosity towards me.

Now, after having escaped from the bucolic barn where I was imprisoned and tortured, I find myself standing amongst the trees, a steel baseball bat in one hand and the other hand clenched into a tight fist of trepidation. As I prepare to cut off my nose to spite my face, a bird overhead swoops between the branches of a nearby tree letting out a cry as it foolishly scrapes one of its powerful wings on a particularly firm branch. As several feathers spiral towards the ground I begin to recognise just how irritating the long grass is on my legs. I feel an overpowering urge to scratch my legs which will remain unfulfilled as I am too apprehensive to release the bat or remove my finger nails from my palm.

This post has been edited by Im Rick James B**ch! on Jun 14 2007, 12:18

[Oxidizer]

Amazing descriptive skills. Seriously, that was truly wicked!

[Remember This.]

Very, very nice discription.
Few minor grammatical errors:

QUOTE

Prior to my abduction, I was, like all politicians, a philanthropic, gregarious, individual.

You don't need the last comma.

QUOTE

whose silhouettes extinguishes my sense of direction.

That should be 'silhouettes extinguish'.

Apart from that, incredible work. It would be nice to see you add some more to it. I would definitely like to pursue the story, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

[Oblivionz]

That is so descriptive dude, if you would add to this, I would read it, no doubt. The story was incredible.

[Eminence]

I have to agree, absolutely fantastic description. There's one or two things I could pick out from it that could improve the description, but I don't think I need to bother, it really is good - and considering this was a while ago, you've no doubt improved since then too.

I'd love to see you write some more. This is a really vivid and imaginative section of writing!

[TubbyJ]

It's awesome, some of the best descriptions I've read. Although you use the awesome descriptive words, sometimes it feels as if you use too many adjectives. Try using less adjectives, limit it to about one or two, very rarely three.

But still, it was awesome and I really did enjoy it.

[Remember This.]

QUOTE (TubbyJ @ Jun 15 2007, 02:38)

It's awesome, some of the best descriptions I've read. Although you use the awesome descriptive words, sometimes it feels as if you use too many adjectives. Try using less adjectives, limit it to about one or two, very rarely three. But still, it was awesome and I really did enjoy it.

Thats true, In the fourth paragraph especially it seems like you are trying to fit as many big words in it as you can just for the sake of it.
But as I said before, these are minor things, its a great piece overall.

[Im Rick James B**ch!]

Thanks for the feedback.

QUOTE

In the fourth paragraph especially it seems like you are trying to fit as many big words in it as you can just for the sake of it.

I went through a phase were i tried to use "big" words because i thought i would sound intelligent. For example, in assessment essays i would digress just so i could use a "big" word.

QUOTE

considering this was a while ago, you've no doubt improved since then too.

Not as much as you would think. My English curriculum has had more of an essay focus so it has been a while since i have practice creative writing.