Cool story, Coat. I've seen it around and I'm not really sure why I didn't take the time to give a response earlier, so for that I apologize. Anyway, you've got some interesting characters that tend to shine the most when they're interacting with one another. I have some issue with your designating dialogue changes. I think it'd work better if you cut a lot of the descriptions in those instances and kept the meat of those segments- the dialogue - nice and separate from your prose.
The story is interesting, the narrative is definitely narrative of a nostalgic look into the past so I think the title is a good choice. Can' knock a good title. Here's some things I caught while reading:
| QUOTE |
| Better yet, he was anxiously nervous with negative thoughts. |
Way too many descriptors here, man.
| QUOTE |
| “Nice to meet you boyo, what’s the name,” the instructor asked, with a strong American accent. |
Being a very hearty American myself, I can assure you we never say the word "boyo." Also, there's quite a few different dialects in this country, same as any other. If you're looking for the traditional idea of American accents circa mid-20th century, that'd be the transatlantic. If you're going for a hearty or strong accent, you're probably looking at a Texan one. I'd be happy to go on with these if you're ever interested
| QUOTE |
| Ant followed the orders. His hands began to quiver. Shake. His palms began to perspire. He leant back, using his entire mite to keep the grip. What if I fail to hold the controls until flight? Ants’ heart raced and jumped out of sync. His adrenal glands released a load of adrenaline into his system. He began to feel light headed. Ringo, sitting behind him couldn’t help, but noticed his students’ abnormal behaviour. |
Couple things here. The thing about adrenaline sounded totally unnatural and took me out of it- same with using "perspire." Also, for future reference the word you were using should be,
'might' not,
'mite'. And, to be honest, these kinds of scenes work best when you cut as much as you can without detracting from the scene. Short, brief descriptions ramp up the intensity of a situation better than the description of glands and whatnot.
| QUOTE |
| Tyler said as he threw the 'Phil Collins' tape into the back seat. |
Not really pertinent to the story but I'm glad you knew that all Tylers universally love Phil Collins and own his stuff.
This isn't everything I found issue with. There's various proofreading errors but you and others have discussed that before so I won't retread. Overall I'm excited to see where you take it, though I wish you'd keep it on the forums for now and not worry about publishing until the entire thing is done. Thanks to timestamps and whatnot there's no way for someone to steal your work, so you shouldn't worry about that anyhow.
