[AceRay]

Time for Mozart


I hand the package over to the receptionist in the bank, politely asking if they sent out mail. The smell of the bank festers in my mind, making me bask in the aroma of freedom. Cradling the money in my chest, I drift back to ten years ago, that amazing day where I last felt like a free man.

Cases of books scattered the floor showing how my patience obviously paid off in the end, ending with all those letters I sent them. It was like a gust of wind had ravaged me, it made me want to celebrate. As the guard went to take a dump, I flapped through the records, waited for the right one. I looked out towards the yard; saw all the men both in unison and in uniform. They looked tired, worked through, trapped in a cage. It was time they were released from their shells, if only for a short moment.

The record player worked beautifully as I spark up the Mozart track. The music flutters through my heart, releasing eons of stress and annoyance. The constant barking and banging of alarms, the strict time tables and the slow, nauseating growth of institutionalism inside you; it all disappears around a tune. Music was the only thing that prevented that decay. The guard heard the music too, wanted to shut it down. Moving swiftly, I grabbed the key and lock him in then ran forward to the main door and locked that one two. It was my sanctuary, where I could spread my message throughout Shawshank; the message of hope.

I cranked up the dials to the max, letting them play throughout the prison. It caused a loud crackle before finally sending message. This really angered the guard now; he was pounding on the door like hell. It didn’t bother me one bit, just sat at the table with my feet up and listened to the sweet serenity. It was serene, peaceful, like I was back outside as a free man.

The Warden had arrived with an army of guards, sneered his face into the glass and forced me to turn the record off. I taunted him for a second, flirted with the dial as I raised the volume, increasing Norton temper with it. It was nice to be the powerful one for once, reminding me of my banker days.

Even when Hadley busted down the door, I still felt at peace. It wouldn’t be until they dragged me away to The Hole where I fell back into the sad pit of reality. They could never take the music away, however; it’s always inside you.

[Ziggy455]

QUOTE (AceRay @ Sunday, May 27 2012, 10:36)

Time for Mozart I hand the package over to the receptionist in the bank, politely asking if they sent out mail. The smell of the bank festers in my mind, making me bask in the aroma of freedom. Cradling the money in my chest, I drift back to ten years ago, that amazing day where I last felt like a free man. Cases of books scattered the floor showing how my patience obviously paid off in the end, ending with all those letters I sent them. It was like a gust of wind had ravaged me, it made me want to celebrate. As the guard went to take a dump, I flapped through the records, waited for the right one. I looked out towards the yard; saw all the men both in unison and in uniform. They looked tired, worked through, trapped in a cage. It was time they were released from their shells, if only for a short moment. The record player worked beautifully as I spark up the Mozart track. The music flutters through my heart, releasing eons of stress and annoyance. The constant barking and banging of alarms, the strict time tables and the slow, nauseating growth of institutionalism inside you; it all disappears around a tune. Music was the only thing that prevented that decay. The guard heard the music too, wanted to shut it down. Moving swiftly, I grabbed the key and lock him in then ran forward to the main door and locked that one two. It was my sanctuary, where I could spread my message throughout Shawshank; the message of hope. I cranked up the dials to the max, letting them play throughout the prison. It caused a loud crackle before finally sending message. This really angered the guard now; he was pounding on the door like hell. It didn’t bother me one bit, just sat at the table with my feet up and listened to the sweet serenity. It was serene, peaceful, like I was back outside as a free man. The Warden had arrived with an army of guards, sneered his face into the glass and forced me to turn the record off. I taunted him for a second, flirted with the dial as I raised the volume, increasing Norton temper with it. It was nice to be the powerful one for once, reminding me of my banker days. Even when Hadley busted down the door, I still felt at peace. It wouldn’t be until they dragged me away to The Hole where I fell back into the sad pit of reality. They could never take the music away, however; it’s always inside you.

I've taken a read and it's a nice little piece. A few words are missing and such but that's up to you to proofread. Have you read the original 'Rita Hayworth and The Shawshank Redemption' by Stephen King? If not, have a gander, both the film and movie are exceptional. I liked it, it seems pretty clear cut and you already know the characters so it was cool to read.

Aesthetically I can only tell you to proofread and tighten it up fully to it's potential. Not a bad piece though man, not bad at all.

[AceRay]

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Tuesday, May 29 2012, 06:16)

Have you read the original 'Rita Hayworth and The Shawshank Redemption' by Stephen King? If not, have a gander, both the film and movie are exceptional. I liked it, it seems pretty clear cut and you already know the characters so it was cool to read.

I've seen the movie but I haven't read the book, although I know someone who has the book. I'll try to get it off them. Yeah, I do know the movie pretty well, I've studied it before. Great movie, I'll tell you that.

QUOTE

Aesthetically I can only tell you to proofread and tighten it up fully to it's potential. Not a bad piece though man, not bad at all.

I never really proof read throughly enough, I always feel bored reading over my own writing. Its like I've been there and done that, although I will try and improve that in the future. Got a big piece I'm thinking up about hobos. Thanks for the compliments, means a lot.

[Mokrie Dela]

QUOTE (AceRay @ Tuesday, May 29 2012, 06:18)

I never really proof read throughly enough, I always feel bored reading over my own writing. Its like I've been there and done that, although I will try and improve that in the future.

You have to force yourself. I've let chapters of COL/JIF go up with no proofreading, then when i look at them i see loads of errors. I'ts jus tlaziness on my part. You write something and you want people to read it and like it? Surely you want to represent that as best you can.

Anyway im not gonna go on about proof reading, seeing as i often neglect that step, but it is important.

AS for your work, i read it and thought "why?" I've seen the film, as have you, why rewrite it?
Then when i looked at it again i got it. Brave move imo trying to write something like this. It's been done twice (book and film) and, how do you think you can do any better?
But I think the best writers take chances. And being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes is a very important skill to have. Even though its not as good as the book or film (maybe for the simple reason that it's been done, like a song cover), i think the risk has come off. My hat off to you, i wouldnt have had the bravado to try this.