IMG

 
IMG
IMG   IMG
  Welcome to GTAForums! Be sure to check out the Grand Theft Auto V Forum.

You are not registered! (If you are, click here to login) Registering is fast, free and easy and allows you to instantly reply to any topic on GTAForums.
Why wait? Click here to register your own unique username and become part of the ever-growing community!


( Log In | Register | Revalidate Validation E-mail )
Quick Log-In:
  IMG
       
>
  Reply to this topicStart new topicStart Poll

 The Weather Man

 
Eminence  
Posted: Sunday, Jun 17 2012, 00:17
Quote Post



Group Icon
Group: Leone Family Mafia
Joined: Nov 18, 2006

XXXXX



Just a little something I wrote a while back. Any thoughts would be appreciated. smile.gif

----

The Weather Man

“Give me a reason,” Trent said, fingers digging deep into Benny’s neck, forcing his head out over the edge of the skyscraper. It was a long way down. “Just give me one good reason not to throw you off right now.”

Benny’s words were lost under a whimper. Trent tightened his grip, forcing his fingers further into Benny’s flesh, cutting off the supply of air and blood as his hand clamped down into his arteries. Benny gave out a weak splutter and Trent relented, giving him room to breathe.

“I... I...” he began, gasping for breath. “I can give you anything, anything you want.”

Trent shook his head. “The big guy upstairs wouldn’t like that. Not one bit.”

Benny’s eyes widened. “Who’s putting you up to this? What are they paying you? I’ll double it. I’ll triple it.”

Trent let out a laugh and relinquished his grip. Stumbling backwards, Benny clung desperately to a rail on the edge of the skyscraper, catching his breath.

Trent stared at him and shook his head, still smiling.

“No can do, Benny,” he said. “You think you’re the first guy to make me this kind of offer? Bartering for your life... that’s the first move you all make. Bo-ring.”

Benny dropped his head, looked down towards the building’s roof, which was covered in rough gravel. “I can give you... anything...”

Laughing again, Trent continued to stare at him. “God, you guys just don’t get it, do you? If I were prone to making this kind of deal, I wouldn’t last very long in this business, would I?”

Trent cast his eyes back and forth quickly, scanning the roof. They were alone, but for the wind’s murmurings above and the city’s vast skyline below.

Benny wrapped his hands tightly around the rail, tucking his head underneath the steel bar. In-between frightened glances up at his captor, he forced his eyes shut firmly, wincing unmistakably, limbs trembling against the steel.

Trent reached inside his coat, forcing his hand in deep; the wind lapped up at the bottom of the black fabric, making it sway gently in the breeze. He withdrew his arm, a handgun fastened securely in his grip. At this height, there was no need for a suppressor.

Benny flung his arms up in desperation. “No, no, please!” he screamed, coming away from the bar, rising to his feet. “Please... we can work something out.”

His eyes were fixed on the handgun; nothing else. Trent stifled yet another laugh, but the smile remained as he lifted the handgun up, aimed it towards Benny’s chest.

“Please!” Benny said, taking another step forward. “I’m begging you!”

“Step back.”

Trent’s smile vanished. His tone was severe. Benny grabbed hold of the bar again.

“That’s more like it,” Trent said, and the smile returned instantly. He lowered the gun. “I tell you what, Benny. I like you. This isn’t personal, I’ve got nothing against you. But orders are orders.”

Benny mouthed another ‘please’, but no sound came out.

“But,” Trent said, looking up at the sky, deep in thought. He drew a finger to his lips contemplatively, bouncing it backwards and forwards. “I’m willing to make a deal with you.”

Benny’s eyes lit up. Trent continued to look up at the sky, but always with an eye trained on his prey.

“You think it’s gonna rain, Benny? I do. What do you say?”

Confused, Benny followed his gaze up towards the clouds. The sky was a light grey, no glimpse of the sun, but the air was dry.

Trent stared at him, watched him peer up into the heavens. “Well? What about it, Benny? Yes or no?”

Benny stammered his answer. “N-n-no. I wouldn’t have thought so.”

The smile spread thickly across Trent’s face, more intense than ever.

“Perfect,” he said, running a restless thumb across the back of the gun. “Then it’s settled. If it rains, you’re gonna follow every drop to the ground. If it doesn’t, you get to take the stairs.”

The smile grew wider still as Benny’s hands, still secured to the bar, began to tremble. Trent watched him as he gazed up into the clouds, searching out across the horizon.

Nothing.

“How... how long do we wait?” he said, stuttering once more.

Trent frowned and looked down at his watch nonchalantly, as if it held the answer. “Meh,” he said, tapping against it with the barrel of the handgun. “A few minutes, I guess.”

He looked up again and resumed smiling, watching as a spark of hope lit up in Benny’s eyes. Trent’s gaze was fixed on him confidently, just waiting for the right moment to extinguish it. Benny continued to search the sky for his answer, breathing rapidly.

A single drop hit the crown of his head and Benny snapped his gaze upwards to find it, then dipped his head back down, disguising the movement, as though pretending he hadn’t budged.

“No...” Benny said, standing up again. “That’s not rain... that’s not real rain!”

“Back!” Trent said, holding a hand up firmly. Benny stuttered backwards. Trent looked up once more. “No, you’re right. I’m not going to cheat you of a few precious seconds, Benny. I can wait.”

He didn’t have to wait long. In a matter of seconds, the heavens opened, a rapturous downpour enveloping them in a blistering flood. A sheet of water fell over the two of them, soaking through their clothes in an instant.

“Time’s up, Benny,” Trent said, raising the handgun. “I’m sorry. Better luck next time, huh?”

Benny strode forwards, his foot soaking deep into the gravel as Trent squeezed the trigger twice. The impact sent Benny backwards over the rail. His body flipped over the steel and began sliding through the air, the rain gliding alongside him as they both fell towards the earth.

Trent slipped the gun away inside his damp coat and peered up once more, knowing that somewhere down below, Benny had made a swift acquaintance with the ground. He took a few slow steps across the gravel towards the edge of the building, laying a cautious hand on the rail.

The rain stopped. The shower had passed almost as quickly as it had begun.

“Such a shame,” he said, peering over the edge carefully, trying to make out Benny’s corpse far down in the distance. “Nobody ever gets to take the stairs.”
PM
  Top
 

 
Ziggy455  
Posted: Sunday, Jun 17 2012, 01:20
Quote Post


Helping Hand.
Group Icon
Group: Members
Joined: May 2, 2007

uk.gif

XXXXX



Wow.

I just read this and I must say, it's wonderfully written. Nice detail, the pace is quick. The killer gives me a sort of vibe of humour splashed with judgement. The ending was brilliant and witty. I honestly couldn't find nothing wrong. It'd make a good prologue. lol.gif
Users WebsitePMMSNXbox Live
  Top
 

 
AceRay  
Posted: Sunday, Jun 17 2012, 09:18
Quote Post


Dissapointment implies that you were somewhat respected before
Group Icon
Group: Members
Joined: Oct 5, 2010

nz.gif

XXXXX



Great opening, really hooked me in. It really caught my attention. The characters were interesting and the whole weather aspect was really fun. Its a pretty simple scene played beautifully. Keep it up!
Users WebsitePM
  Top
 

 
El Zilcho  
Posted: Sunday, Jun 17 2012, 13:11
Quote Post



Group Icon
Group: Leone Family Mafia
Joined: May 14, 2008

eu.gif

XXXXX



Brilliant... for some reason, the certainty of the weather's change in Trent's mind, and his reference to "guys upstairs" makes me think he's divinely sent - just a slight feel, probably wasn't what you intended but I liked the insinuation none the less. Very nice piece, thoroughly enjoyable and tense.
PM
  Top
 

 
Mokrie Dela  
Posted: Monday, Jun 18 2012, 00:02
Quote Post


МОКРЫЕДЕЛA
Group Icon
Group: Members
Joined: May 1, 2009

ja.gif

Member Award




So i had a glance, with the intent on reading it later, and read it all. You held me. Well written and a nice steady flow. I often struggle with my works going really fast then s l o w i n g d o w n and getting boring.

Not this. Although i found the plot/idea done before, the way its written overrode that. I enjoyed it smile.gif

El zilcho - i had the same thought. Angel of death?
PM
  Top
 

 
Yossarianite  
Posted: Monday, Jun 18 2012, 10:05
Quote Post


Slumerican sh*tizen
Group Icon
Group: Members
Joined: May 29, 2012

sd.gif

XXXXX



Really great man, very detailed and its perfect in all aspects.
PM
  Top
 

 
AceRay  
Posted: Monday, Jun 18 2012, 10:19
Quote Post


Dissapointment implies that you were somewhat respected before
Group Icon
Group: Members
Joined: Oct 5, 2010

nz.gif

XXXXX



QUOTE (Yossarianite @ Monday, Jun 18 2012, 23:05)
Its perfect in all aspects.

I wouldn't go that far, no piece of writing is absolutely perfect. While I feel that, yes, it is a great piece of writing, I thought the actual story it was telling was a bit over used. Maybe there could have been twist like he doesn't kill him or something. Anyway, that's only nitpicking to be honest, this writing and pacing was great.
Users WebsitePM
  Top
 

 
Yossarianite  
Posted: Monday, Jun 18 2012, 11:18
Quote Post


Slumerican sh*tizen
Group Icon
Group: Members
Joined: May 29, 2012

sd.gif

XXXXX



QUOTE (AceRay @ Monday, Jun 18 2012, 10:19)
QUOTE (Yossarianite @ Monday, Jun 18 2012, 23:05)
Its perfect in all aspects.

I wouldn't go that far, no piece of writing is absolutely perfect. While I feel that, yes, it is a great piece of writing, I thought the actual story it was telling was a bit over used. Maybe there could have been twist like he doesn't kill him or something. Anyway, that's only nitpicking to be honest, this writing and pacing was great.

I don't find a twist in the guy being saved, it'd be... eh... a little usual. We've all got our views, you've got yours I've got mine! smile.gif Yes nothing is perfect and I guess I must have thought before saying that.....
PM
  Top
 

 
El Zilcho  
Posted: Monday, Jun 18 2012, 17:49
Quote Post



Group Icon
Group: Leone Family Mafia
Joined: May 14, 2008

eu.gif

XXXXX



QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Monday, Jun 18 2012, 01:02)
El zilcho - i had the same thought. Angel of death?

Yeah exactly, was wondering if that was the hint. It's a very accomplished piece - no verbosity or minimalism, just the kind of balanced work that Eminence pulls off well.
PM
  Top
 

 
Eminence  
Posted: Tuesday, Jul 3 2012, 02:27
Quote Post



Group Icon
Group: Leone Family Mafia
Joined: Nov 18, 2006

XXXXX



Thanks for the kind words everyone! If anyone has any pointers or criticisms, or picked up on something you thought didn't quite work, feel free to let me know. smile.gif
PM
  Top
 

 
Adler  
Posted: Tuesday, Jul 3 2012, 03:15
Quote Post


Easily Amused
Group Icon
Group: Leone Family Mafia
Joined: Jul 25, 2009

us.gif

XXXXX



QUOTE (Eminence @ Saturday, Jun 16 2012, 16:17)
“Then it’s settled. If it rains, you’re gonna follow every drop to the ground. If it doesn’t, you get to take the stairs.”

I love this line.

And as mentioned earlier, I had a good time reading this due to the fast and consistent pacing of the piece. The instant but brief downpour though, was a little too supernatural for me, but maybe that's what you were going for. Maybe an angel of death was sent to execute the will of the guy upstairs, and he used the rain to confirm judgement.

That last line however, I thought could have used more implications as to what Trent meant. I'm a big fan of totality in works, and the last line felt a little loose to me. Got me guessing a lot about Trent's victims in the past, and why they didn't get to "take the stairs." Although the work is good as a sum of its parts, I felt the whole could have been improved much better with the last line being tied up to something deeper about Trent that would have made the piece feel more complete.
PM
  Top
 

 
blitz  
Posted: Tuesday, Jul 3 2012, 07:57
Quote Post


what
Group Icon
Group: Andolini Mafia Family
Joined: Mar 13, 2011

Member Award




Beautiful, hooked me immediately. Pretty much what I wanted to say has already been covered by everyone else, so I wont say anything other than..brilliant.
PMXbox LivePlayStation Network
  Top
 

 
elanman  
Posted: Tuesday, Jul 3 2012, 21:36
Quote Post


PC Gamer
Group Icon
Group: Andolini Mafia Family
Joined: Apr 11, 2007

wa.gif

XXXXX



QUOTE (Eminence @ Tuesday, Jul 3 2012, 02:27)
Thanks for the kind words everyone! If anyone has any pointers or criticisms, or picked up on something you thought didn't quite work, feel free to let me know. smile.gif

Criticising your work is very difficult I find. Your command of the written word is flawless, so I can't pick on your SPAG. Also, as El Zilcho noted, your work is free of verbosity, yet I find your prose still has an edge of sophistication. My only complaint is that I anticipated what was coming, so maybe the ending didn't feel that satisfying. However the final line made up for this--it alluded to numerous different analyses of Trent's position (accomplished hitman or embodiment of the grim reaper or suchlike).
PM
  Top
 

 
orbitalraindrops  
Posted: Tuesday, Jul 3 2012, 21:41
Quote Post


Thug
Group Icon
Group: $outh $ide Hoodz
Joined: Feb 16, 2012

XXXXX



Reminds me a bit of Old Boy, alot of Shadows. Writings okay, prose wise, story didn't hold my interest.
PM
  Top
 

 
Eminence  
Posted: Tuesday, Jul 3 2012, 21:58
Quote Post



Group Icon
Group: Leone Family Mafia
Joined: Nov 18, 2006

XXXXX



QUOTE (orbitalraindrops @ Tuesday, Jul 3 2012, 22:41)
Reminds me a bit of Old Boy, alot of Shadows. Writings okay, prose wise, story didn't hold my interest.

It's pretty inconsequential, I suppose. What about it specifically didn't hold your interest?

It's interesting to see how you guys have picked out the same thing and given varying opinions on it. Like that last line - it didn't work for Adler, but it salvaged the ending for elanman. I guess that says a lot!

Once again, thanks a lot for all the feedback. It's great to see so many replies. smile.gif
PM
  Top
 

 
Linki  
Posted: Wednesday, Jul 4 2012, 04:54
Quote Post


Neonic
Group Icon
Group: Members
Joined: Sep 21, 2009

XXXXX



Got a Joker vibe from it for some reason. Was this on purpose?

Smooth and sleek piece. Well done.
PM
  Top
 

 
Chunk  
Posted: Saturday, Jul 14 2012, 14:09
Quote Post


next level
Group Icon
Group: $outh $ide Hoodz
Joined: Oct 29, 2008

XXXXX



Top work, Phil.
PM
  Top
 

 

1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)

0 Members:

Topic Options Reply to this topicStart new topicStart Poll
Search topic for posted by (exact match)



 
IMG IMG