[huevos_benedicto_180]

This is a short story I wrote, feedback would be greatly appreciated.

* * *

The Intrepid Explorer

Despite his spectacular journey, it was often paths not taken that kept Marco awake at night. Whether turning one way instead of another would have brought a new discovery, or perhaps a vista of superior quality to the one he had seen himself. Whereas these mostly changed day-by-day, one path was permanently at the forefront of Marco’s mind: Shambhala; a mystical land, containing immeasurable wealth and unbridled beauty, rising above that of any competitor. This must be joined with a certain decadence, Marco feared, however whenever he closed his eyes and imagined stepping foot on the grand kingdom, he worried no longer. He was well aware that Shambhala was a mythical land, that it was widely known to be unattainable to mere mortals like him. Yet, even though the risk of danger in pursuing it was large, the reward was too great and too beautiful to ignore. Before, Marco relied on Shambalha coming to him, as if on his path an archway leading to it would suddenly appear. However, with each passing day, Marco knew that he was running out of time, that he could no longer count on being presented with a pedestal if he truly wanted to achieve his goal. While Marco had no time at the present, for the journey to Karakorum was too arduous for any potential distractions, he vowed that once this testing period had finished, he would actively and directly seek the unreachable paradise, the kingdom of Shambhala.

[Ziggy455]

QUOTE (huevos_benedicto_180 @ Saturday, May 12 2012, 14:49)

This is a short story I wrote, feedback would be greatly appreciated. * * * The Intrepid Explorer Despite his spectacular journey, it was often paths not taken that kept Marco awake at night. Whether turning one way instead of another would have brought a new discovery, or perhaps a vista of superior quality to the one he had seen himself. Whereas these mostly changed day-by-day, one path was permanently at the forefront of Marco’s mind: Shambhala; a mystical land, containing immeasurable wealth and unbridled beauty, rising above that of any competitor. This must be joined with a certain decadence, Marco feared, however whenever he closed his eyes and imagined stepping foot on the grand kingdom, he worried no longer. He was well aware that Shambhala was a mythical land, that it was widely known to be unattainable to mere mortals like him. Yet, even though the risk of danger in pursuing it was large, the reward was too great and too beautiful to ignore. Before, Marco relied on Shambalha coming to him, as if on his path an archway leading to it would suddenly appear. However, with each passing day, Marco knew that he was running out of time, that he could no longer count on being presented with a pedestal if he truly wanted to achieve his goal. While Marco had no time at the present, for the journey to Karakorum was too arduous for any potential distractions, he vowed that once this testing period had finished, he would actively and directly seek the unreachable paradise, the kingdom of Shambhala.

It is written well, it flows perfectly but at the same time it feels very clunky. Like you're overusing words and commas as if to speak with a much more articulate prose. Using parenthesis terms is considered to be a sparingly used technique and overusing it gives the reader the feeling of being spoken to by a rather old and boring professor.

That isn't to say your work is boring because it isn't, just the way it is written seems like it would be very devoid of action. It's a good piece of written work, if only you'd cut down on the larger words.


Omit needless words.

[huevos_benedicto_180]

QUOTE (Ziggy455 @ Saturday, May 12 2012, 15:00)

QUOTE (huevos_benedicto_180 @ Saturday, May 12 2012, 14:49) This is a short story I wrote, feedback would be greatly appreciated. * * * The Intrepid Explorer Despite his spectacular journey, it was often paths not taken that kept Marco awake at night. Whether turning one way instead of another would have brought a new discovery, or perhaps a vista of superior quality to the one he had seen himself. Whereas these mostly changed day-by-day, one path was permanently at the forefront of Marco’s mind: Shambhala; a mystical land, containing immeasurable wealth and unbridled beauty, rising above that of any competitor. This must be joined with a certain decadence, Marco feared, however whenever he closed his eyes and imagined stepping foot on the grand kingdom, he worried no longer. He was well aware that Shambhala was a mythical land, that it was widely known to be unattainable to mere mortals like him. Yet, even though the risk of danger in pursuing it was large, the reward was too great and too beautiful to ignore. Before, Marco relied on Shambalha coming to him, as if on his path an archway leading to it would suddenly appear. However, with each passing day, Marco knew that he was running out of time, that he could no longer count on being presented with a pedestal if he truly wanted to achieve his goal. While Marco had no time at the present, for the journey to Karakorum was too arduous for any potential distractions, he vowed that once this testing period had finished, he would actively and directly seek the unreachable paradise, the kingdom of Shambhala. It is written well, it flows perfectly but at the same time it feels very clunky. Like you're overusing words and commas as if to speak with a much more articulate prose. Using parenthesis terms is considered to be a sparingly used technique and overusing it gives the reader the feeling of being spoken to by a rather old and boring professor. That isn't to say your work is boring because it isn't, just the way it is written seems like it would be very devoid of action. It's a good piece of written work, if only you'd cut down on the larger words. Omit needless words.

Okay, I'll will take all of this into consideration. I wrote it in the space of perhaps 15 minutes so there's a lot of room for improvement. Thanks ever so much, as stated your feedback is greatly appreciated!

[Ziggy455]

Not a problem, sir. It's all for the good of writing.