[cammi]

[center]



PLEASE REVIEW




STARTING THIS AGAIN

This post has been edited by cammi on Sunday, Oct 28 2012, 15:19

[cammi]

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This post has been edited by cammi on Sunday, Oct 28 2012, 15:16

[Secronom President]

I just completed my reading of your first chapter and here is my 'review' of it:

QUOTE (cammi)

“Rosie?” The man asked. “What Karl?” Rosie moaned. “Are we still going to the deal?” “Not yet.” “Why? It should be tonight.” “The cops were following them so it is tomorrow.” “We still need a few thousand dollars.” “We don't.”[/orange]

To be honest, it is really a simple dialogue element. I mean: you added a total of five words to describe how the characters talked for two sentences out of eight. Not to forget you forgot to put a dot at the end of a sentence and that you capitalised the letter 't' from 'the' (highlighted in red.)

QUOTE (Example)

“Rosie?” the man asked. “What Karl?” Rosie moaned as she knew he was going to ask her another time the same question he's been asking her all day long. “Are we still going to the deal?” the man asked. “Not yet,” the young woman replied, turning her head towards Karl with an annoyed look on her face. “Why?” he requested to know scratching his head, "It should be tonight." “The cops were following them,” Rosie stated, "So it is tomorrow." “We still need a few thousand dollars,” the man mentionned as he seemed to think of something. “We don't...” started to say the skinny girl when Karl's phone bleeped and he stroked his dot-lock and searched his texts; it was from Mika requesting them to be at the dock at nine o'clock pm.[/orange]

QUOTE (cammi)

“Its back on” Karl argued. Rosie dashed to their bedroom and grasped at a duffle bag from out of her wardrobe. “Lets go!” She ordered as the pair left their abode. Karl hooked the bags strap around himself and rushed with Rosie onto his stylish motorbike. No helmets were equipped but with the cities lack of police, it was ignored. They blended into the small amount of flowing cars and bikes. After a few minutes of slow riding, they reached the docks. Rosie glanced at her watch and stated the time. “8:56PM” “ Mika” Karl shouted over to a man in his late-thirties sitting on a wall almost asleep. He looked overweight and weak, he nearly fell off the wall in shock. Rosie slid off the back of the bike and crept behind a boat. Mika hobbled after Rosie with Karl following. A speedboat could be heard in the distance, it approached. Karl 's hand drifted into his boxers where he gripped his pistol in case of trouble. A fully suited woman with a suitcase in her hand exited the boat. She came alone, what an idiot? It was a good job Mika, Rosie and Karl were respectable people.

Whilst this dialogue sequence has more information, but the problem is the questionable use of certain words and missuse/non use of punctuation. The use of the word 'argued' is questionable because there was no real argue in the previous sequence. I highlighted 'from out of' because you could either say 'from her wardrobe' or 'out of her wardrobe'. I don't think the word 'himself' was necessary, especially since we know the bags are hooked around of him. Then again, it seems more like around of him instead of on his body (in my opinion.) About the hand, was it his left hand, his right hand, or has he only one hand? The word job refers to work, which is certainly not what you meant, right?

QUOTE (Example)

“It's back on,” Karl said which caused Rosie to dash to their bedroom and grasped a duffle bag from her wardrobe / out of her wardrobe. “Let's go!” she ordered as the pair left their abode. Karl hooked the bags strap on his body and rushed with Rosie onto his stylish motorbike. No helmets were equipped but with the cities lack of police, it was ignored. They blended into the small amount of flowing cars and bikes. After a few minutes of slow riding, they reached the docks. Rosie glanced at her watch and stated the time, “8:56 PM.” “Mika!” Karl shouted over to a man in his late thirties sitting on a wall almost asleep. He looked overweight and weak, he nearly fell off the wall in shock. Rosie slid off the back of the bike and crept behind a boat. Mika hobbled after Rosie with Karl following. A speedboat could be heard in the distance as it approached their location. Karl's right hand / Karl's left hand drifted into his boxers where he gripped his pistol in case of trouble. A fully suited woman with a suitcase in her hand exited the boat. She came alone, what an idiot? It was a good thing Mika, Rosie and Karl were respectable people.

QUOTE (cammi)

f*ck, Karl's life was ruined. Mika dead. No money. Rosie kidnapped.

Instead of making three two-worded sentences, I would've used the punctuation mark we use when we make lists, as well as adding a few more words.

QUOTE (Example)

f*ck, Karl's life was ruined: Mika was dead; he hadn't the money and Rosie had been kidnapped.

I will not point out the other things you could have avoided, as they are similar to what I have already pointed out. As for the chapter itself, it was quite short in my opinion. Nonetheless, with practise you will become better.

[Mokrie Dela]

I'll keep this short, as most of the review's been done.

I like how you've tried to describe the characters from the off, and like the imagery you started with.

I'm also intrigued as to whether the title relates to the female character too, and interested to see where this goes.

What worries me is that you mentioned this a few days ago, and advice was given as recent as yesterday, or perhaps today? I'm concerned you're rushing things, but we'll see.

[cammi]

@ SP Thanks for the help, I appreciate the effort that you put in to review as do I with everyone else feedback.

@ Mokrie To confirm yes the title is a reference to Rosie but also something else that I can not yet reveal . And it is not possible for me to quit after a few chapters because for once, I have fully planned the story and wrote 7 chapters and right now my fingers are f*cking hurting from typing. I had this idea for a while now it was originally from one of my DYOM Mission packs that were from a different branch of The Renegades.

I will release Sinned Rose in 5 Acts, I will not say " Oh I am going to do 50 chapters or 100 chapters" because I do not want to plan too far ahead but 5 acts will do just fine even if I only have a few chapters in an act.

[Eminence]

It's a decent start. Works well structurally - you're hitting all the right story points at the right times, and ending on a bit of a cliffhanger, which is a good trait to have. There's plenty of little linguistic errors dotted about, but it's nothing practice won't filter out through time; keep it up!

One thing I did want to say was about this:

QUOTE

f*ck, Karl's life was ruined. Mika dead. No money. Rosie kidnapped.

Secronom President has glammed this line up in his review, and I think your original line works much better. It's a stylistic choice, not a linguistic one. I loved this line as it stands in your original work; its starkness and minimalism works well to put across the piece's overall style and its atmosphere in this moment.

Just be aware that if you truly know how and why you're doing something, nobody can tell you you're doing it wrong. But you'd better be prepared to defend every little choice when push comes to shove, even if the argument is with yourself.

[cammi]

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This post has been edited by cammi on Sunday, Oct 28 2012, 15:18

[Secronom President]

QUOTE (Eminence @ Thursday, Aug 23 2012, 19:43)

One thing I did want to say was about this: QUOTE f*ck, Karl's life was ruined. Mika dead. No money. Rosie kidnapped. Secronom President has glammed this line up in his review, and I think your original line works much better. It's a stylistic choice, not a linguistic one. I loved this line as it stands in your original work; its starkness and minimalism works well to put across the piece's overall style and its atmosphere in this moment.

In the end, it all depends of the writer and reader's preference.

This post has been edited by Secronom President on Friday, Aug 24 2012, 00:33

[Eminence]

QUOTE (Secronom President @ Friday, Aug 24 2012, 01:09)

QUOTE (Eminence @ Thursday, Aug 23 2012, 19:43) One thing I did want to say was about this: QUOTE f*ck, Karl's life was ruined. Mika dead. No money. Rosie kidnapped. Secronom President has glammed this line up in his review, and I think your original line works much better. It's a stylistic choice, not a linguistic one. I loved this line as it stands in your original work; its starkness and minimalism works well to put across the piece's overall style and its atmosphere in this moment. In the end, it all depends of the writer and reader's preference.

I wholeheartedly agree, but at the same time I'd argue that the unaltered version is genuinely better writing. "He hadn't the money" is clunky any day of the week, as is utilising a colon and semi-colon just three words apart. It's a wholly unnecessary adjustment that turns a taught passage into something that reads, frankly, as a little archaic.

But then, that's just my opinion.

[Mokrie Dela]

QUOTE (cammi @ Thursday, Aug 23 2012, 23:56)

To be honest, I am surprised people actually read this after my previous attempts at.... well anything. Its great that you like it and I am glad I used this idea instead of the other. BTW, the other was to post Infinity on GTAForums but I will keep it on FanFiction. And I will post chapter 2 of that in the next week. I just want to know if it is better than my other stuff.

well we all deserve the chance. Despite my criticism, which as previously mentioned was harsh, you still deserve the chance.

Regarding the line - i agree with eminence; the original version sounded like a voice - remember that the narration has a voice. You have Mika, Rosie as characters, but also there's the first and most important character: the narrator. The way you write the sentances is important and that sentance i think worked well as it sounded like it was coming from your character, not your pen.

Using my fanfics as examples, and this is my style, but when i'm writing some narration, i write it in the viewpoint of that character. It's almost as if that character wrote it, the sentance shows insight to their mind and thoughts and history.

Remember that - your narration has a voice which is important to get right. Often this will include deliberately using poor grammer, or words. Example if Roman was the character, i wouldn't write:
"Roman missed the thrills of being single, but he wouldn't trade his family for it. Gone were the days of gambling his money away, and having gratuitious sex almost daily. He was now a family man."
instead i'd write:
"Roman missed the ladies, but he wouldn't trade his family for any of them - even the fictional Barbera with big titties. Gone were the days of gambling, and the firm american titties - he was now a family man"

Hmm, not too good an example actually as i didnt write that very well at all, but you can see my point i think. Words like "titties" - which is a word i would never use in conversation, or writing, and is a word i don't particularly like tbh, is part of Roman's vocablary. The same goes for your character. If your character swear a lot, maybe include that in the narration

"f*ck a duck!" Ronald said. This guy was annpying him. The moron.

Might be better as:
"f*ck a duck!" Ronald said. This guy was pissing him off. The prick.

Once again i think i've gone into too much depth. Imma shush now

[cammi]

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This post has been edited by cammi on Sunday, Oct 28 2012, 15:18

[cammi]

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This post has been edited by cammi on Sunday, Oct 28 2012, 15:17

[cammi]

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This post has been edited by cammi on Sunday, Oct 28 2012, 15:17

[AceRay]

So this is how you get a job at R* Games. Who would have thought? Those Houser boys do make sure that they get the best.

Anyway, I thought this was actually pretty funny in most parts, the banter between Archangel and Karl can get pretty hilarious at parts and it keeps a good pace for the most part. I feel like its going for the "So Bad Its Good" market with cheesy dialogue like an over the top action movie from the 80s and I like that, I kind of imagine Karl as Arnie or Stallone. I know you probably think we don't think much of you but the truth is we all started writing terrible GTA fanfics at one point so the only place to go is up. A few spelling mistakes here and there but they can be ironed out.

I also find it hilarious that Karl seems more interested in f*cking some chick he just met than finding his girlfriend.

This post has been edited by AceRay on Saturday, Aug 25 2012, 10:54

[cammi]

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This post has been edited by cammi on Sunday, Oct 28 2012, 15:17

[cammi]

WARNING - THIS IS NOT CANCELLED AND WILL BE CONTINUED VERY SOON.

[Mokrie Dela]

QUOTE (cammi @ Wednesday, Oct 17 2012, 21:43)

WARNING - THIS IS NOT CANCELLED AND WILL BE CONTINUED VERY SOON.

no need to post things like that. Post the next chapter if and when it's ready. This forum isn't so fast that you need to do this.