[Cashy]

Chapter 1 - Slick

"f*ck you lookin' at? Wasteman!"
"The f*ck you chattin' too, dickhead?"
"Talkin' too you, wasteman. Don't suck your f*ckin' teeth at me! You ain't known round these ends, blud. Back up before you get f*cked up!"
"Do you know me, fam?! Know who I role with?! Will f*ck your sh*t up, boy!!"
"You think so, blud?! Boys, merk this fool!"

Bang. Bang. Barking. Screaming. Sirens. Rapid footsteps retreating.

That's what happens if you ain't known round these ends. You get dropped. Your body left for the f*ckin' coroner, bruv. I'm Slick, real name Ryan. I'm a part of the Drys crew. You know from any other c*nt by our coats - Superdry's. Hence, the Dry's, fam. What you just read, is a f*ckin' wasteman thinking he was hard in the wrong ends. f*cking dickhead. I saw that happen, ya know. Saw that boys life get jacked from him and it's a natural part of life round here. So get used to it, or get backing up.

I know you've all heard the same old sh*t in the news, little youths getting merked here, bigmans getting shot there, drugs, robbery, gun crime - all on the rise. But to survive this jungle, you gotta join a crew. The Dry's run Camberwell and we all get spawned on this very estate - Lombard. Known for various badmans such as Trevor "Curt" Roberts, currently doing a life stretch for the merking of Errol Cox on the Bakewell Estate, Kane "Shottah" Shotley, doing a 10 for controlled substance possession and Bobby "Wrench" Miller, on a 12 for self-defense murder, and my brother. He used too run these ends, which makes me sort of celebrity - being the brother of "Wrench" Miller, who merked Evan Carter, the biggest c*nt known to the Lombard Drys crew, cause he murdered our dearly missed leader, "Dancer" Walsh. My bro will be back soon, and running these ends like he used too. Can't wait blud.

I'm probably everything you hate - a little thug. But unlike my bluds, I don't rob old ladies or carry a knife. I jack c*nts who deserve it and I carry a strap. Like a true badman. Wanna see how we live below your ivory f*ckin' tower? Follow me around the estate, fam.

[Coat.]

I'm not sure what it's about tbh. All I'm getting is that there is a gang called, 'Dreys Crew'. I also don't know if you are talking to someone in the dialogue in the 2/3 paragraph. Also, the dialogue at the beginning doesn't seem to run on the tongue smoothly and I don't know which one is talking.

QUOTE

"f*ck you lookin' at? Wasteman!" said Blud. "The f*ck you chattin' too, dickhead?" Wasteman yelled. "Talkin' too you, wasteman. Don't suck your f*ckin' teeth at me! You ain't known round these ends, blud. Back up before you get f*cked up!" "Do you know me, fam?! Know who I role with?!" Blud yelled, "Will f*ck your sh*t up, boy!" he continued. "You think so, blud?! Boys, merk this fool!" asked Wasteman.

I think you get my drift about the dialogue. On the third line, you don't have to add in who's talking as you can see it's flowing already.

[Eminence]

QUOTE (Coat. @ Wednesday, Aug 29 2012, 05:37)

QUOTE "f*ck you lookin' at? Wasteman!" said Blud. "The f*ck you chattin' too, dickhead?" Wasteman yelled. "Talkin' too you, wasteman. Don't suck your f*ckin' teeth at me! You ain't known round these ends, blud. Back up before you get f*cked up!" "Do you know me, fam?! Know who I role with?!" Blud yelled, "Will f*ck your sh*t up, boy!" he continued. "You think so, blud?! Boys, merk this fool!" asked Wasteman.

Wasteman and blud are slang terms they're using to refer to one another; not each other's actual names. So immediately that amendment doesn't really make any sense.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the dialogue at the start. It's a rapid exchange between two characters; who's speaking doesn't really matter all that much. To be honest, the fact that they both sound identical and that they bleed into each other says a lot in itself about who these people are.

I'm not a fan of the subject matter, but I think you're developing a pretty strong voice in this. It works well, and is mostly consistent. It's a good start - except for this:

QUOTE

Bang. Bang. Barking. Screaming. Sirens. Rapid footsteps retreating.

The rest of the monologue is so brisk, so swift, that this just feels really out of place. At first I thought it was actually sarcastic, someone highlighting how meaningless that first exchange was: "bang. bang. bang." like a monotonous refrain. But piecing it in with the rest of it, its intent seems serious - maybe even an attempt at being poetic - but it just doesn't fit for me.

That aside, I think it's a really intriguing little opening, so I'm interested where you take it!

Oh, and one final thing: you're constantly misusing "too" when you mean "to". Happens a good three or four times.

[Coat.]

QUOTE

Wasteman and blud are slang terms they're using to refer to one another; not each other's actual names.

I didn't know that they were terms; I've never heard of them. I thought they were nicknames. Also, I don't really see what's developing in the plot but I'd like to see where it goes.

[Cashy]

Cheers for the criticism lads, I appreciate it (no sarcasm, I really do! )

Coat, the terms "Wasteman" and "blud" are used commonly in London (where I have set this piece) - Wasteman being an insult, blud is used to address someone.

Eminence, cheers for the help mate, you've always steered me right in the past, haha. As you know from my past pieces, its a common error of mine to replace "to" with "too". Force of habit, heh.

As for the little monologue, I actually thought I took that out! I only noticed after I posted it, as I thought it didn't fit well either. The whole idea also of the speech at the bottom, is as if Slick is talking to an unknown... Interviewer, so to speak. I'll try and get another chapter up tonight, if you two wanna see more?

Cheers again, lads.

[Eminence]

QUOTE (Cashy @ Wednesday, Aug 29 2012, 21:28)

The whole idea also of the speech at the bottom, is as if Slick is talking to an unknown... Interviewer, so to speak.

It didn't feel like anything out of the ordinary to me - just the narrator speaking directly to the reader. It's a fairly common device, and if used correctly works really well... and I'd say it works well here, so you do the math.

Definitely interested in seeing more.