[Mokrie Dela]

Just a little something
It's not greet; it's been a while




I am a broken man,
Injured in spirit, physically impaired.
My body's like a crumpled can,
My mind in its questions, alone and scared.

The mirror shows me,
Someone with something missing,
The mirror goads me,
And I find my self vainly wishing,

If I could turn back time,
if my eyes had hindsight,
I would have walked a straighter line,
And I'd still be a man of might.

I am just beaten down,
Sapped of energy, deprived of will,
I wear a twisted frown,
Devoid of mercy, eyes set to kill

I was a man of power,
Behold My might! stare and wonder!
Now I move, slow like a cripple,
So old, my fight, a wingless condor.

Bless me with healing, absolve me from the pain
Send a storm to moisten the riverbed dry,
And patch me up, make me whole again.
Let me pluck the sun from the sky.

[Eminence]

An interesting take on a simplistic theme; in a relatively short space I think you perfectly encompass a range of emotions, from regret to acceptance to longing, and this really rounds off a good exploration. I enjoyed what you said and where you took it: I especially liked the imagery of staring back in the mirror, which serves to underline the whole idea of alienation from the self.

A few little things, though -- primarily, it feels like you locked yourself into this structure, and it really both restricts the flow of your thematic exploration, and sort of takes me out of the rhythm completely. Some words/lines just felt like total missteps used to fit into the rhyme scheme, such as 'Send a storm to moisten the riverbed dry'. It's overtly elevated and poetic, and it doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem's context.

Two other little things: one, I'd be wary of including such pop-culture references as 'If I could turn back time'. Obviously it's not an actual reference, but what do you think the majority of people hear when reading that line?

Two, and this goes hand in hand with discussing the structure aspect: you don't necessarily have to end each line with a comma to try and keep in with the same pattern. Enjambment can really add a new dimension to the way a poem is read. Like here:

QUOTE

The mirror shows me, Someone with something missing, The mirror goads me, And I find my self vainly wishing,

In regular speech, would you ever say 'the mirror shows me, someone with something missing'? No, you'd say 'the mirror shows me someone with something missing'. So cut out that first comma and let the lines flow together naturally. The line break will still give the rhyme and structure emphasis; the comma adds in a far too unnatural pause that breaks the flow.

[Coat.]

You might of seen my poetry and I'm only starting off with it- so I can't really have a 'say' about this as I have poor knowledge of poetry.

Defiantly not bad tho.

[Mokrie Dela]

Thanks fellas
As I said its been a while and I am evidently quite rusty. Some good observstions Em, and I shall keep them in mind when I next write a poem. It's of my finest work but I'm really glad you could enjoy it

[cammi]

This is good, I have never liked poetry but this one is different. Reminds me of Max Payne for some reason. And Mokrie, I took your advice about my writing structure and style and I will use words like said and muttered.

Im so happy
But Fallout is cancelled
But I have planned my own novel, no fan fic
AND IM A NINJA OF THE DANCEFLOOR

[shiva s]

Damn! How come I never noticed this
I don't have much knowledge in poems but I loved reading this.
Keep up the good work, Mokrie.

[Tyler]

I'll echo earlier sentiment by saying that, while your work is crafted with a nice uniform, breaking a few rules would give a more visceral feel, or at the very least not restrain your ideas to a particular form. Otherwise, I like the way it works, and for the most part the structure worked well.