[Linki]

Bloody entertaining reading you mustered up there, AceRay. Max Payne references were timed well and didn't feel out of place. Good descriptions. I knew where I was and what was going on. Got pretty brutal in some of the describing you did in the fighting parts. Nice.

There were some grammatical issues and some of the dialogue felt unconventional and out of place in the reality of such a situation. But they're not really a problem, honestly. We're not publishing for Time magazine. This is for fun, and it was fun to read.

[AceRay]

QUOTE (Linki @ Tuesday, Jul 10 2012, 21:36)

Bloody entertaining reading you mustered up there, AceRay. Max Payne references were timed well and didn't feel out of place. Good descriptions. I knew where I was and what was going on. Got pretty brutal in some of the describing you did in the fighting parts. Nice. There were some grammatical issues and some of the dialogue felt unconventional and out of place in the reality of such a situation. But they're not really a problem, honestly. We're not publishing for Time magazine. This is for fun, and it was fun to read.

Yeah I have to admit that I've been to write this one for a while but couldn't really find something I was interested in because the original idea was kind of lame. Then I just started writing and the biker thing came in and it was much more fun to write. It just really sucks when you get to a chapter you don't want to do. The best thing to do is to just stick it out and write it until you just have fun with the idea. Oh, and lots of violence too. But the next one's going to be much tamer. Can't wait for Aragond to read this.

And yeah, Gil is slowly turning into Max Payne now that I think about it but I've got a real good plot coming up involving Emilio which will definitely... raise some eyebrows about Gil's morality and motives.

This post has been edited by AceRay on Tuesday, Jul 10 2012, 09:13

[Don Giovanni]

I'm gonna start writing for the Petrovic Bratva and The Lost, consider my stories for the Triads and the Law dead in the water....

I haven't written in almost a year, so forgive me if I'm a little rusty in my writing abilities.

The Petrovic Bratva: Cabaret Club

Chapter 1

Liberty City, the land of opportunity. HA! It's more of the same as my old life in Russia, crime and corruption everywhere. Only difference is that Liberty City is somewhat warmer. I came here as a child, my father wanted a better life for us. And quite frankly, he failed. Eventually, he fell into debts to an Albanian loan shark and ended up floating in Broker Bay. I would swear revenge, and the Petrovic Bratva gave it to me. They saved my life and killed the man who murdered my father, but that came with a price. Rather than die or fall into debt, I decided to work as one of Kenny Petrovic's soldiers.

My name is Pyotr, I'm a 26-year old bouncer at the Perestroika Club and a small-time enforcer for the Bratva. Today is just another day for me, it seems...

The Perestroika is a nice place, well-decorated with red carpet and gold decorations, a real classy joint. The bar serves nice fancy cocktail drinks, along with wine and spirits, again, a real classy joint. Not like that seedy dive Comrades, which coincidentally, is also Petrovic territory. It seems all of Broker is under Kenny Petrovic's thumb. And I'm just a small cog in the machine.

I was sitting at a booth table in Perestroika, sipping a small glass of straight vodka with ice, with my fiance Gelya, and my business partner Nicholai. Gelya was a cutie, with pale ivory skin, flowing jet black hair, sparkling blue-green eyes, a curvy figure, and a sweet chirpy voice. We were engaged to be married, and hopefully, when my debt of servitude had been paid, we could leave Broker and truly enjoy America.

Nicholai, on the other hand, was a gruff middle-aged man with graying hair and a weary demeanor, who always dressed plainly. He was my superior, and I had to do his bidding. I was but a mere soldier, he was a Vory v Zakone, a high ranking captain who answered directly to the Pakhan himself. He spotted me at the club with Gelya, and I knew he had some business for me to take care of....

"Comrade Pyotr, I have a job for you. It is a simple job, surveillance. We suspect that those two-bit gangbangers known as M.O.B are dealing meth and pills to local immigrants and Petrovic is pissed. However, we have no hard evidence and as such, don't want to get into a war so soon. There is a small convenience store in the Firefly Projects area that I'd like you to bug with cameras and wiretaps, as we suspect that place is where they're distributing their drugs. I have a crew who will help you. Meet them at the Clothing Store, they will set you up with equipment and assistance."

I didn't want to do this, but I knew I had no choice.

"Da, I will do so."

Kissing Gelya before I got up, I finished my sole glass of vodka and headed out into the parking lot. I didn't feel drunk, only slightly buzzed, but I still didn't want to risk driving. So I decided to gently walk down to the Russian Clothing Store, hoping that Petrovic would see my debt repaid and that I wouldn't be permanently drafted into his gang.

But deep in the pit of my heart, I knew it was already too late for that.

[AceRay]

QUOTE (Don Giovanni @ Sunday, Jul 29 2012, 10:45)

I'm gonna start writing for the Petrovic Bratva and The Lost, consider my stories for the Triads and the Law dead in the water....

I was going to dump my Law stories too so that's okay.

Stonehead, Bufo and DonG's stories will be rated shortly.

This post has been edited by AceRay on Sunday, Jul 29 2012, 01:27

[Don Giovanni]

I figured it's about time we made a comeback!

You wanna collaborate with me on my Lost MC or Petrovic stories?

[Build Up Your Gang]

Ratings are here people, you know how it goes.

StoneHead37
Albanian Mob| ??? | Chapter 1
$39 + $0 = $39
You know what? This has an excellent opening! I really loved, it drew me into the story and the atmosphere is thick and dense, dark and gloomy. Comparing mobsters to owls was genious. Loved this line: The Albanians bear affinity with the likes of owls; hushed during the day, but boisterous at night. Bravo sir, bravo. The story leads onto a good cliffhanger ending which has me wondering what was going to happen next. (Funnily enough, Ace at one point had a character called Jetmir who was going to die. XD

Grammar is really good too just with few spelling mistakes: meager should be meagre. Nice to see someone use speech properly too.

That said, I felt things got a little repetitive once we got to Arben. Paragraphs 5 through to 10 all start with the word Arben and got too same-y. You’ll definitely need to add some variety to your sentence structure to avoid this, like, not starting each sentence with the same word. I felt that if you had added a couple more hundred words to stretch this out it would have been better, cause 559 words is too short. I think it could have used a bit more characterization with some of the characters and also that Betim and Beznik are really similar names to use. Overall, it needs a bit of revision and expansion but a good piece nonetheless. I’ll also need to know what property you’ll be using.

bufu7690
Albanian Mob| ??? | Prologue(wtf, how long is this thing?)
$43 + $0 = $43
Nvkjlbvjkxcbkjla sd;jaf;ldshfasdl jfjhsadjfhlashdqweaz
…
Sorry, that was just my jaw hitting the keyboard when I saw the length of this beast. 3320 words! I mean, wow, what an effort, one of the biggest stories we’ve had. Good job on length and I’m glad to say it was great for a first time effort!

Anyway, you’ve got some problems with dialogue. Once again, it’s not:
making sure he familiar with Westside.” He spoke
It’s actually:
making sure he familiar with Westside,” he spoke
The sentence always ends in a comma before the punctuation mark. Also, unless “he” is the character’s name, don’t capitalize it (which caused some confusion for me because I couldn’t tell whether the “the” in The Big Guy was part of his name, it switches around a while). Furthermore, there were a few spelling mistakes here and there and punctuation marks which were out of place which can be rectified with some checking. Oh yeah, and you only change paragraph with dialogue if a different character is talking.

Onto the story! It’s got good language features; characters act and behave like real people and its overall a really good piece of writing. The opening paragraphs do a really good job at setting a scene, introducing characters etc .Don’t be afraid of having paragraphs which are only dialogue and of short length. This Eggy guy is real interesting too, just out of prison and angry at the system. Some lines were great like “For familiar eyes, however, the light illuminated his enlightened expression, making it evident that he had recently been actively reducing the worries in his life.” That was a great line that makes the reader figure out that Early Boyd has been out of action. Good job of showing, not telling. Loved the scene where Eggy is overwhelmed by how things have changed, nice way of showing how out of touch he’s been. When we get to the fight scene outside, the action is fluid and alive. Really loved Eggy’s roar at the kid about how much he sucks, it was awesome. You’ve got talent.

The fact that you had me interested for such a long length is noteworthy. Can’t wait for more!

Don Giovanni
The Petrovic Bratva| Cabaret Club| Chapter 1
$30 + $43 = $73
Nice to see you back bro.

566 words = too short. You’ll need to add more words to your stories if you want the big bucks to buy the Annihilator you’ve always wanted.

I thought this story was rushed. It goes through events faster than the speed of light. The first paragraph of 114 words speeds through the protagonist’s childhood, dad falling into debt, getting killed and joining the Russian Mob. We don’t get any real emotions in this passage and it’s too much to focus on in such a short space of time. Instead of revealing Pyotr’s (cool name btw) history right at the start, why not drip feed his backstory to the reader in the snippets of information, leading to a more interesting read and character. Try to write more out of less.

This piece also fell victim to the symptoms of telling the reader information instead of showing them. Pyotr just telling the reader who he is in the second paragraph shouldn’t be there, instead dripping the reader info about him in the following chapters, it makes me much more interested in who this character is. The way Nikolai tells Pyotr about his job sounds stilted and robotic. Would a gruff, tough mobster say “I have a crew who will help you. Meet them at the Clothing Store, they will set you up with equipment and assistance.” wouldn’t he say something more meaty and rough, like “My boys are down at that store, you know, the one which sells the hobo clothes. They’ll give you the high tech sh*t you’ll need. Try spicing up your dialogue and don’t be so matter of fact.
There were some good sentences like I'm just a small cog in the machine. but it was, overall, an underwhelming effort. I also didn’t know the Russian Mob were the CSI.

As you said, you’re a little rusty so hopefully you’ll be able to get back into the swing of things. This kind of read more like a prologue to introduce characters so I’m sure you’ll do well with Chapter 2. If you could make an interesting relationship between the protagonist and Gelya, that would be an interesting storyline.

-

Here’s the writer’s cards:

DonGiovanni

Gang	Triads	The Law	Petrovic Bratva	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: ??? Money Earned: $27 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Sep 7 2011	Story Count: 1 Active Property: United Liberty Paper Money Earned: $36 Money Spent: $20 Last Post: Sep 26 2011	Story Count: 1 Active Property: Cabaret Club Money Earned: $30 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Jun 29 2012	Money: $73 Stories: 3
Weapons	---	Pistol	---
Vehicles	Feroci	Police Patrol	Rebla

StoneHead37

Gang	Albanian Mob	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: ??? Money Earned: $39 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: May 13 2012	Money: $39 Stories: 1
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Futo

Bufo7690

Gang	M.O.B.	Total
Details	Story Count: 1 Active Property: ??? Money Earned: $43 Money Spent: $0 Last Post: Jun 1 2012	Money: $43 Stories: 1
Weapons	---
Vehicles	Futo

rated by AceRay, who wrote another story here which needs rating too, btw.

This post has been edited by Build Up Your Gang on Monday, Jul 30 2012, 07:19

[AceRay]

Here's some music to set the mood for this piece.

And now, the continuing story of Max Payne! I mean Max Payne. Sorry, what I mean is Max Payne *slap* Gil Capazzo. I get mixed up sometimes.

Chapter 12: In My Restless Dreams, I See That Town

Light filtered through the window onto the apartment, the afternoon sun soaking the scenery in warmth as I sat and waited for Maybelle and Raul. I picked up the tea and pushed it towards my lips, smiling casually as I wondered where they were. I imagined them having lunch in Middle Park, eating croissants and sipping cappuccinos. Still, what was taking them so long?

I whipped out my phone but then I remember. Dead people can’t answer phone calls. I collapse onto the ground, shaking. Sometimes I repress that terrible memory and forget but then it all comes crashing back down in a whirl of reality. That horrible memory soon comes flushing back.

Waves crashed against the hull of the boat, making it rock in the terrible storm. Water splashes onto the boat as men run around shouting orders and directions every second, trying to control her in the harsh storm. Clouds bellow in the sky as lightning flashes and thunder roars every few seconds. Maybelle was clutching Raul in her arms closely, being battered by vicious wind and torrential rain. She stumbled and buckled under the rain, the boat bouncing up and down in a sickening.

“C’mon!” I shout to her, moving forwards to the door quickly.

“It’s too wet. Let’s go back,” I was in a rush to get back to our cabin and didn’t hear her. I wanted them to be safe. When I get to the hall, I smile slightly at the success. We could see the hall from the doorway, we were almost there.

Suddenly, there’s a loud crash and a scream. The side of the boat is smashed and Maybelle and Raul are nowhere to be seen. Running over, I stare into the dark ocean, screaming their names repetitively but to no avail. It sent shivers down my spine to think of their slow, gradual death, water gapping through their lungs, icy water surrounding them, freezing them. All I remember was staring into the cold, dark, unforgiving sea, tears dripping into the ocean.

Slowly returning to reality, I find myself curled up in a ball on the floor, getting dirt on my eyes. I wonder round the apartment. The false delusions fall down and the house reveals itself to be a wreck. Beer bottles litter the floor and the wallpaper was peeling back to I had only thought it looked nice because I wanted it to look nice. I had blocked out that memory and immersed myself in a deluded fantasy where they were still around; loving me for the honest business man I was back then, not the vile crook I had become. Hours pass of just wandering and crying. Occasionally I picked up something and throw it, smashing it into pieces as I screamed in rage. Finally, I stumbled into the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, what I had become. A 40 year old loser with greasy short hair, a filth-ridden, clichéd leather jacket and grubby camo slacks. Suddenly, a voice whispers behind me.

“You killed me,” I turn around and see Maybelle, standing there in the dripping wet coat she wore that night and a hollow look on her face and a sledgehammer in her hand. A screaming baby shrieks out inside my mind, bringing me to my knees. Tears swell in my eyes as the incessant noise kept twirled around my head. Everything in the room was swirling and twisting, distorting into the horrible dirty shapes.

“I’m sorry!” I scream out over and over, clutching my hands over my ears, trying to block out the screaming. Maybelle slowly walked towards me and as she got closer, I could see that she had two gaping holes where her eyes should be. Grasping the sledge hammer, she lifted it high above.

“You know it’s not true!” she screamed, letting out an insane laugh and revealing a set of jagged spiky teeth. She brought the hammer down onto me and immediately, I’m set on fire, burning in bright flames. I don’t know why but Maybelle then disintegrates and morphs into a thousand beetles which all scatter along the floor, into the floor boards and all over me. In pain, I dash into the lounge, the baby’s wails still shouting while the beetles and flames encase me. Finally, I collapse onto the couch, flames turning me into ash.

---

When I come back to, I’m lying on my back on the floor, my collar covered in sick. Another hallucination, the ones I always forget about. Sighing, I turn to the clock beside me, it reading six o’clock. I was out for nine hours now, just lying and torturing myself in my mind. She always haunted my restless dreams.

Suddenly, the phone rang. I let out a wail and through a book at it, paranoid at the sound. Cautiously, I approach it and lift it up to my ear

“Hello?”

“Hey Gilly boy, it’s me, Edgar,” his voice rough and course. I could almost see him with his feet up at Marco’s, smoking a pipe and chuckling.

“Oh, hey… how’s it going man?”

“Not bad, not bad. Hey Gil, you don’t sound too good. I was going to get you to go round to Vito’s club, you know, the Anceloti guy. We met at the beach about a week ago, remember?”

“Yeah, I know, I know.”

“I could get these new boys, uh, Joyce and Murray,” some muffling comes through the phone. “Sorry, I meant Murphy. Murphy Punchinello. He tells the tallest tales, I tell you now,” a wave laughter swept through the phone. “Anyway, like I was saying, these are the guys Gator brought around to help out with our numbers, since Desmond bite the bullet and Axel turned into an asshole.”

The Gator. The Gator. Gator. Who was he again? Where did I hear that name before? It kept swinging round my mind, trying to remember who he was. My concentration was broken by the vomit stained on my collar, grabbing a spare shirt to put on.

“I was going to get you to go because you know where it is but you seem sick or something; don’t want to disturb you eh? You’ve done a lot for me boy and I appreciate it.”

“Nah, nah, it’s all good, I’ll pop down there soon,” I mumble out as I pulled a new shirt over my head, noting his sudden appraisal of my hard work. Edgar thanked me and hung up, leaving me alone and cold once again in my room. I picked up my jacket, wiped down my face. A cold chill shivered down my spine as I realized I was truly alone.

This post has been edited by AceRay on Tuesday, Jul 31 2012, 07:51

[Linki]

Woah. Some deep stuff you mustered up there, AceRay. Weird and depressing, very descriptive and almost uncomfortable to imagine the more ugly details. Not saying you should tone down on that - quite the opposite.

[Don Giovanni]

So, is anybody still interested in this?

[aragond]

QUOTE (Linki @ Tuesday, Jul 31 2012, 12:22)

(...stuff...)

QUOTE (Don Giovanni @ Wednesday, Oct 24 2012, 11:04)

So, is anybody still interested in this?

Eeeeeeesh. Four months. Oh, that's a bad look.
I am, or at least I would like to be.
I just haven't had a decent break of time in months. Years even.

I had ambitions of turning BUYG into something more.
Heck, I still haven't even finished my "Rising" storyline.
There was another seven chapters I'd outlined.
And, hell, that was meant to be the prelude to the real storyline in Season II.

I guess we can accept that BUYG-IV is just waiting for V to be released (hell, *WHEN* was that again? Wasn't the first trailer, like, a year ago?!?!), because every time a new GTA is released, and a new BUYG is created, the old BUYG gets a bigger boost in numbers.
So, all we gotta do is figure out when V is due. Oh. Okay.
...
Seeyas in 2016!

[AceRay]

Hey aragond, you think you're going to get my reviews up sometime?

Great to see you back man.

[Osric]

Wow, it's been a long time!

I remember when I first joined GTA Forums back in early 2009. BUYG was huge, and we even had a BUYG in the San Andreas boards that was for the GTA III Era gangs.

Then everything started to die down. Personally, I think it was around 2011, or maybe late 2010 at the earliest, did the decline begin.

I'd like to bring things back, but hopefully GTA V will cause a resurgence in interest and activity, as Aragond said.

I wish we could do a BUYG for the GTA III era gangs. That would be sweet. Sadly, if nobody's showing interest in GTA IV, then I doubt they'd join a BUYG for the gangs of III/VC/SA/LCS either.

However, I will do whatever I can to help out.

[Don Giovanni]

Anyone still interested in this?

[Osric]

QUOTE (Don Giovanni @ Sunday, Feb 17 2013, 01:38)

Anyone still interested in this?

I guess this is the end of BUYG, at least until GTA V comes out in September

[AceRay]

QUOTE (Osric @ Saturday, Mar 16 2013, 14:37)

QUOTE (Don Giovanni @ Sunday, Feb 17 2013, 01:38) Anyone still interested in this? I guess this is the end of BUYG, at least until GTA V comes out in September

BUYGV is coming, hopefully going to get the thread up by August so its give people some time to prepare.

[Osric]

QUOTE (AceRay @ Saturday, Mar 16 2013, 23:48)

QUOTE (Osric @ Saturday, Mar 16 2013, 14:37) QUOTE (Don Giovanni @ Sunday, Feb 17 2013, 01:38) Anyone still interested in this? I guess this is the end of BUYG, at least until GTA V comes out in September BUYGV is coming, hopefully going to get the thread up by August so its give people some time to prepare.

I look forward to it

[Build Up Your Gang]

Alright, ladies and gents, I'd like you all to give a warm welcome our newest BUYG staff memeber, Osric! He's been playing the game for a while now and we, the staff, felt it was time for him to make the leap from member to staff.

Welcome to the game.

[Osric]

I had an idea for a Build Up Your Gang spin-off to hold us over until GTA V comes out, one that I think might be successful.

I told AceRay about this, and I will send PM's to Rucke, aragond, and WelcomeToLibertyCity as well.

Essentially, the idea is a BUYG game using real gangs and historical gangs, as well as real weapons and cars.

I want the setting to start out with New York City and parts of New Jersey, although Los Angeles or a nation-wide setting could work too.

The gangs I have in mind so far are as follows...

Italian Gangs
Gambino Family
Genovese Family
Lucchese Family
Colombo Family
Bonnano Family
DeCavalcante Family

Irish Gangs
The Westies

Russian and Eastern European Gangs
The Brothers Circle
Agron Bratva
Rudaj Organization
Velentzas Family

Asian Gangs
Yamaguchi-Gumi
Wah Ching Triads
Hip Sing Tong
Menace of Destruction
Ghost Shadows

Biker Gangs
Hells Angels MC
Pagans MC
Satan's Soldiers MC

Black Gangs
Bloods
Crips
Sex Money Murder
Black Guerilla Family

Hispanic Gangs
Latin Kings
Trinitarios
MS-13
Norte Del Valle Cartel
Netas

White American Gangs
Aryan Brotherhood
Dead Man Incorporated

Middle Eastern Gangs
Israeli Mob

Law Enforcement
New York City Police Department
New Jersey State Police
FBI
ATF
DEA
US Army

If you are interested in a BUYG game with real gangs, PM me.

This post has been edited by Osric on Tuesday, Apr 9 2013, 01:11

[Tyla]

Osric, this is a great idea and I look forward to taking part. I'm gonna state something however that I hope you take on board.

There are too many gangs, too many choices. What you need to consider is starting out with just one or two per category and adding the rest as activity grows. I appreciate you're trying to represent everyone, but are entities so numerous really needed to represent Eastern European, Italian and Asian organized crime in New York when ultimately, you can place each of them under one umbrella?

Take the Mafia for instance. Whittle down the families to the Colombo's and DeCavalcante's and let people build them up. They're the weakest organizations either side of the river, so it gives great incentive to interact and be active in carving out a piece for your gang in the game rather than walking straight into the Genovese powerhouse, or switching after one story because it ain't working out. Give them sh*tty 80s/90s Buick's and Caddy's, a beat up pizzeria and four chairs at a construction site if they're lucky. Antique 38. Snub's and Luparas. Earn everything you buy.

Organized Crime really is an interesting concept when you apply it to BUYG. It's a great opportunity to expand the old Businesses & Rackets and switch up some of the old assets to Union Bosses and other officials that can be bought off to factor into stories.

[Osric]

QUOTE (Tyla @ Tuesday, Apr 9 2013, 07:13)

Osric, this is a great idea and I look forward to taking part. I'm gonna state something however that I hope you take on board. There are too many gangs, too many choices. What you need to consider is starting out with just one or two per category and adding the rest as activity grows. I appreciate you're trying to represent everyone, but are entities so numerous really needed to represent Eastern European, Italian and Asian organized crime in New York when ultimately, you can place each of them under one umbrella? Take the Mafia for instance. Whittle down the families to the Colombo's and DeCavalcante's and let people build them up. They're the weakest organizations either side of the river, so it gives great incentive to interact and be active in carving out a piece for your gang in the game rather than walking straight into the Genovese powerhouse, or switching after one story because it ain't working out. Give them sh*tty 80s/90s Buick's and Caddy's, a beat up pizzeria and four chairs at a construction site if they're lucky. Antique 38. Snub's and Luparas. Earn everything you buy. Organized Crime really is an interesting concept when you apply it to BUYG. It's a great opportunity to expand the old Businesses & Rackets and switch up some of the old assets to Union Bosses and other officials that can be bought off to factor into stories.

Ah, true. Never thought of it like that. You are right, there are too many choices starting out, so we'll streamline it and add more gangs as more people join. Here's my take on it, one gang from each category.

Here is the new list.

DeCavalcante Family (Italian)
The Westies (Irish)
Agron Bratva (Eastern European)
Yamaguchi-Gumi (Asian)
Hells Angels MC (Biker)
Bloods (African-American)
MS-13 (Hispanic)
Aryan Brotherhood (White American)
Israeli Mob (Middle Eastern)
NYPD (Law Enforcement)

Every gang starts out with a melee weapon or two, and perhaps a basic pistol, as well as a cheap car that best fits the gang (old Cadillac or 80's-era Buick for the Mafia, Honda Shadow for the Bikers, Ford Pickup Truck for the Aryans, SUV for the Bloods, etc.)

The exception is the NYPD, who start out with a police baton, taser, and a Glock 17 for their weapons and a Ford Crown Victoria Cruiser for their vehicle.