Vice The End Of An Era
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VProductions  |
 Posted: Thursday, Mar 14 2013, 21:11
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18 Months™
Group: Members
Joined: Oct 28, 2012
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Chapter I: A Smoke Effect
Connor rose, rubbing his eyes and glaring around the dirty, small room. Old pizza boxes lay next to a overflown trash can. He stumbled towards a steel door and carelessly pushed it open. The next room looked identical to the other. Connor looked around, an old man held a shotgun to his head.
"I know you slept with my Mercedes!" The old man shouted, scratching his chest through his blue Hawaiian shirt.
"What are you ta-" Connor asked as the windows shattered and smoke filled the room.
He climbed out into the scorching heat and took a deep breath. A young man grabbed him and dragged him inside a black limo.
"Who the hell are you!?" Connor questioned.
"My name is Marc Leone, of the Leone Family Mafia." Marc announced.
"Mafia? What just happened?" "For some reason, Thomas Vercetti is seriously annoyed with you."
"Tommy Vercetti?"
"Exactly, that isn't a good thing."
"Oh shit! Everyone said he was dead!" Connor screamed.
"Don't worry, the Leone Family Mafia have feuded with him for years,"said Marc as a smirk spread across his face.
"But you're mafia, why don't you just kill him?"
"He has friends in high places, lets shoot him and get blown up." Marc answered sarcastically.
Marc stared at Connor, comparing Connor's clothes to his own. Marc wore an elegant white suit whereas Connor rocked a black tanktop and baggy blue jeans with grey boxers showing. Both of the men aged eighteen years old, both of them looking very similar but still they dressed completely different.
"Shop at Binco?" Marc asked.
"Have you got a problem with the way I dress?" Connor asked.
"I can't work it out, whether it's white trash or hipster." Marc wondered.
"Take a guess."
"Hipster?" Marc smiled
"Hole in one, it's not that easy to blend in." Connor laughed.
"But don't you want money, cars, mansions?" Marc asked confused.
"I have thirty dollars, a bmx and a shared flat." Connor said proudly.
"Our family need help right now, someone like you."
"Like me?"
"Nothing to loose, come and meet my father and he will explain everything."
The limo started and left a trail of smoke.
This post has been edited by VProductions on Tuesday, Mar 19 2013, 08:11
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| Ziggy455 |
Posted: Thursday, Mar 14 2013, 21:38
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Expect insanity.
Group: Members
Joined: May 2, 2007
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Okay, I understand the colors are nice, but there are some inconsistencies with your writing that I notice. Here, let me help. | QUOTE | | 1. "Don't worry, the Leone Family Mafia have feuded with him for years." Marc smirked. |
This sentence has two flaws that can be easily fixed. The first is that IF a quotation has some action after it, you end the sentence with a comma instead of a period. This shows the line after is from the person speaking. So instead of an end to the quote you have: | QUOTE | | "Don't worry, the Leone Family Mafia have feuded with him for years," Marc smirked. |
2. Have you ever heard anybody smirking a sentence? That doesn't make sense. Something along the lines of this works better: | QUOTE | | "Don't worry, the Leone Family Mafia have feuded with him for years," said Mark as a smirk spread across his face. |
Never let how cool the writing looks overpower the story. This post has been edited by Ziggy455 on Thursday, Mar 14 2013, 21:40 |
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AceRay  |
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Dissapointment implies that you were somewhat respected before
Group: Members
Joined: Oct 5, 2010
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| QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Friday, Mar 15 2013, 23:40) | | QUOTE (AceRay @ Friday, Mar 15 2013, 03:57) | Colours are seriously easy to do and only take around two minutes of copy and pasting on [URL=http://www.tektek.org/color/]http://www.tektek.org/color/[/URL] I've started to do all my titles for stories with colour shifts to add a little flair and personal touch. The only downside is that it makes quoting a b*tch as you can't see the actual words (try quoting this post to see what I mean).
However, the big ----------- in the first post stretches the screen a little and it would be nicer if it was shorter. |
Yeah it's a nightmare to read on my phone
I had no idea such a website exists! I retract my previous statement |
So did you think he sat there and typed every single letter in a different colour individually so it would be a gradient? 
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| VProductions |
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18 Months™
Group: Members
Joined: Oct 28, 2012
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Chapter II: Hooker Hotwire
The limo stopped and the door slid open. Connor recognised the location, Sunshine Autos. The garage was decorated with glass statues, similar to the windows.Marc climbed of the relaxing limo into the exhausting afternoon heat. Silently, Connor followed. After waiting paitiently, Marc's father strolled over. He was a medium build man, of around middle age and around medium height. He stood proudly in his oil-covered overalls.
"This is my father, Joey Leone," Marc revealed happily.
"Nice t' meet you, kid," Joey said in his distinctively Italian accent.
Joey shook Connor's hand and smiled mischievously. Marc walked inside Sunshine Autos leaving Joey and Connor alone outside.
"Why do you need me here?" Connor asked.
"I owe out a lotta of money, to some real bad people," Joey answered.
"But thats not my fault."
"One of them bad people jacked a car from this showroom, now that ain't acceptable. Ya hear, I want ya to get it back for me."
"But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah. If the VCPD get ya, tell 'em to speak to me."
"Why can't you just report it to them?"
"Y' see they can't do their job, I might never see it again y' see," Joey muttered.
"Sure, where is it?"
"Outside Hooker Inn, it's only round the corner. Look for a red Admiral."
Connor walked down the road, looking curiously. Thoughts ran through his head. He began to question his guilt. What if it wasn't Joey's car, after all they were the mafia, or whatever was left of them. He reached the inn and spotted the modern car, cautiously he came closer and broke the window, he leant inside. His hands run past the lock as he slid the door open and snook in.
"Red to green and clip these and green to blue and red to blue," Connor muttered as he hot-wired the car.
The car started instantly, he reversed and drove the car back to Joey at Sunshine Autos. Connor got out of the car and approached Joey.
"Sorted," Connor said.
"Great, here's some money," Joey laughed as he passed Connor a sealed envelope.
"Money?"
"Favour for a favour," Joey told.
"So this showroom is all yours?"
"No, it belongs to a friend o' mine, Cesar Vialpando. I fix the cars in the garage. Once I had a garage in Liberty but everything got all messed up,"
"Sorry to hear about that."
"It's not ya fault. My father ran Portland, that's before the Leone's crumbled. Somebody broke the code, we let him work with the family and he tried to kill us all. Leone's used to be real big, everywhere. Now all we 'ave is three members and a bankrupt casino."
"Who's the third member?"
"A real man, Toni Ciprani. Ya see he would 'ave fixed our problems but he's dissappeared."
Marc stumbled out of the stylish building and lead Connor back inside the limo. Connor sat down on a comfortable leather seat. He put the envelope in his jean pocket. Marc handed him a glass of sparkling champagne. Once again, the limo sped away.
This post has been edited by VProductions on Tuesday, Mar 19 2013, 08:14
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| Mokrie Dela |
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МОКРЫЕДЕЛA
Group: Members
Joined: May 1, 2009
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| QUOTE (AceRay @ Friday, Mar 15 2013, 19:49) | | QUOTE (Mokrie Dela @ Friday, Mar 15 2013, 23:40) | | QUOTE (AceRay @ Friday, Mar 15 2013, 03:57) | Colours are seriously easy to do and only take around two minutes of copy and pasting on [URL=http://www.tektek.org/color/]http://www.tektek.org/color/[/URL] I've started to do all my titles for stories with colour shifts to add a little flair and personal touch. The only downside is that it makes quoting a b*tch as you can't see the actual words (try quoting this post to see what I mean).
However, the big ----------- in the first post stretches the screen a little and it would be nicer if it was shorter. |
Yeah it's a nightmare to read on my phone
I had no idea such a website exists! I retract my previous statement |
So did you think he sat there and typed every single letter in a different colour individually so it would be a gradient? |
Haha, i think i actually did for a moment. Oh my, how embarrassing. To review the latest chapter. The first few sentences feel very expositional to me. Very list like. You're throwing information at us and hoping it'll stick, and to be honest, it's not. "Marc climbed of the limo, Connor followed silently. Marc's father waited patiently" - Bread, Milk, Cheese, Dinner for tonight - it feels like a shopping list and is about as interesting as one. That's not to say that what you've got in your mind is bad - just that you're opening the window a crack, and throwing bits out. Instead, open the door, and invite us in. Have Marc climbing out of the limo an event, not a news report. Have him step out, stretch, or yawn, or blink at the sunshine, and have connor involved in this. "Marc climbed out out of the air-conditioned comfort of the Limo, into the dry heat of the midday sun. He had grown accustomed to the tinted windows blotting out the sun, and blinked at the sudden assault on his eyes. Behind him, like a loyal dog, followed Connor, seemingly less affected by the transition. Marc's father stood patiently, his arms folded, watching with judgmental eyes as the men disembarked. He was physically unremarkable; of medium height and build, the averaged middle-aged man. "This is my father......" A lot more detail in there (maybe too much) but i think it's more immersive - i think it tells us more than a little list. Also now for a lesson I learned not too long ago: | QUOTE | | "This is my father, Joey Leone." Marc revealed happily. |
This is a very subtle thing, but important, and you'll notice it from now on: When there is speech, followed by anything of addition, the speech should end in a comma: | QUOTE | | "This is my father, Joey Leone," Marc revealed happily. |
Think of it as an action, then description, or imagine it without the inverted commas: | QUOTE | | This is my father, Joey Leone. Marc revealed happily. |
See that? It looks odd. Two sentences that should be one. | QUOTE | | This is my father, Joey Leone, Marc revealed happily. |
There we go, one sentence. Add the inverted commas back in and voila! anything with speech then, "he said" "he shouted" "she smiled" - even: "No," his eyes said. Anything that's connected if you will, is separated by a comma. If theyre separate though like: "This is my father, Joey Leone." Marc pointed at the man - these are two separate statements. "This is my father, Joey Leone." Marc pointed at the man. "This is my father, Joey Leone," Marc said, pointing at the man. Hope that all makes sense. Later on i see this: | QUOTE | | "But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor questioned. |
What you've done here is the same thing twice. It's clear that this is a question. There is NO need at all to say "Connor questioned" because we know it's a question. If you feel you need to define who's talking here, then throw in an action: "But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor raised his eyebrows "But the paperwork is here, isn't it?" Connor held his hands out. Again hope that makes sense. A lot of dialogue here, and no real action - which isn't bad - but in danger of becoming a bit tedious. I recently wrote a long dialogue based chapter and when i proof read it, realised that it's a bit... boring. The information's being conveyed, the dialogue needed, but nothing happened. A good way to get past this is with little actions and maybe even disagreements. Have people walk around, show us their movements and emotions, have their words carry emotion - anger, confusion etc. Writing dialogue can be hard at times because, unlike actors on a screen, one word can't convey too much emotion or meaning, like it can on an actor's face. Instead we have to convey such information with description. "Did you hit him?" "No." what does that tell us? nothing "Did you hit him?" Her eyes burned as much as the question did. He couldn't meet his mother's gaze Instead of looking around, he simply looked down. "No," he said, barely able to keep his voice from breaking. What does that tell you? More i think. I think this work is like a bit of fruit. It's not quite ripe yet, and tastes a little bitter. I think if you work a bit more, it could taste so sweet and juicy  |
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| Mokrie Dela |
Posted: Tuesday, Mar 19 2013, 11:46
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МОКРЫЕДЕЛA
Group: Members
Joined: May 1, 2009
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| QUOTE (AceRay @ Tuesday, Mar 19 2013, 04:30) | | If it was a real book, then no. But if its on here, then sure, why not? Its funny and allows for some cool puns on titles of movies, music and games like I used to do for BUYG, eg "Karma Chameleon" for when a character did something bad and stuff like that. |
At the risk of pissing ace off, disregard that. I've read books that have chapter titles and some that do not - it's a personal preference and I think it's good for reference; you're reading a book then move away from it, when you come back you dont look for a number, but instead for a title, which is easier. A GTA Fanfic, definitely name the chapters - gta missions are named, often with humour, so try to get that in there. It also offers a flash of a hint to the chapter - look at City of Lies and Justice in Flames, the chapter titles are supposed to make the reader go "this sounds interesting" without giving anything away. I don't believe there is any hard and fast rule - if you can think of good names, then name them, but if you do not feel they need a name, then don't - again, it's personal preference. |
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| VProductions |
Posted: Tuesday, Mar 19 2013, 14:32
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18 Months™
Group: Members
Joined: Oct 28, 2012
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Chapter III: Hole In The Drywall
Connor shoved his key into the broken door, he entered the flat. Inside it was filthy, a mess, there was: a cheap couch, a fifteen inch portable tv on a crooked coffee table, a dull kitchen and a dirty single bed.
“So, this is my crib, one-one-three-c Bayshore Ave, ” Connor remarked, giggling.
“And this is possible to live in?" Marc asked, looking shocked.
"I do. "
"Never have I seen such a shithole."
"My mother's place is worse."
"Unless she lives in a trashcan, I'm not sure."
"Not quite, she lives in the junkyard."
"Whoa, living rough."
"Yep, always have done. But still, we get by."
"Keep helping us and you're gonna have enough money to get a better house."
"Guess I got no choice."
Marc smiled and clambered into the flat, over piles of unclean clothes that lay scattered on the paint stained floor. Tired and in a daze, Connor walked over to the TV and switched it on, as he was about to stroll away when something caught his eye. On the television was a breaking news broadcast, he stared at screen while dumbstruck by the announcement. A reporter flashed on the screen, she was stood outside the Hooker Inn.
"I'm right outside the inn where Mayor Nettel's car was stolen earlier today. The mayor is sickened and confused as to why he was targeted." The blond reporter said.
Connor's face glown red, shining in the dull light from his worthless DIKEA lamp. Rage filled his body leaving him with only one emotion, anger. The weight of guilt overpowered him, the fear, the shock. He stomped over to Marc and grabbed his collar. Connor slammed him into the moldy wall, the wall crumbled with Marc ending up lay on the cold, sticky corridor floor. Marc pushed himself back up, closer to Connor.
"I swear, I knew nothing about it," Marc explained.
"I'm not falling for that one," Connor said as he punched Marc in the face.
"Listen, That work was from my father. Not me," Marc held his nose as blood flowed out.
"That whole 'nothing to lose' speech was a joke?"
"Obviously, you knew what you were doing. I think I mentioned the word 'Mafia' quite a lot today!" Marc shouted.
"The VCPD are gonna come straight after me, I could be on FelonyWatch tonight!" Connor rubbed his hands through his hair.
"No, the inn doesn't have any cameras, after all it is a brothel. Oh and Connor, open the envelope before you try and break my nose next time."
"Next time? I never wanna to do this again."
"Another job if you wanna do it, just keep away from my nose."
Connor peeled the envelope open and took out a wad of money, a thousand dollars. At the bottom of the envelope remained a note, Connor slid it out.
"Nice work kid, get down here tommorow for a better job. Wish I could see your face when the news comes on. Ha," Connor read, bewildered and disorientated.
Marc smirked and walked out into the cool night air, into the mysterious darkness. Still shocked, Connor made his way to bed and relaxed to the rap music blasting from the television.
This post has been edited by VProductions on Wednesday, Mar 20 2013, 18:30
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| Master of San Andreas |
Posted: Tuesday, Mar 19 2013, 15:00
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Leaving with a big bang, you guys rock.
Group: BUSTED!
Joined: Jul 7, 2012
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That chapter was good but there were quite a few mistakes: | QUOTE |
"So, this is my crib, one-one-three-c Bayshore Ave, ” Connor joked.
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Connor joked? You could put it like this instead: "So, this is my crib, one-one-three-c-Bayshore Ave" Connor remarked, laughing. | QUOTE |
"And this is possible to live in?" Marc asked, concerned and shocked.
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You need to elaborate more: "And this is possible to live in?" Marc asked, looking skeptical/concerned/shocked.(Any one of the three). | QUOTE |
"I'm not falling for that one," Connor punched Marc in the face.
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Doesn't make sense, Put it like this: "I'm not falling for that one" Connor said. He punched Marc on the face and Marc's nose broke and started to bleed. That's it, I guess. Overall I felt that the chapter was OK. I'd give it a 7.5/10. You've got talent no doubt.  |
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