[cammi]

IF THIS GETS LOCKED THEN USE THIS LINK
http://grandtheftxtra.wikia.com/wiki/Grand_Theft_Xtra_Wiki








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Story

2001,
Salvatore Leone, leader of the Leone Family Mafia, is found dead outside Sex Club 7. The first one on the scene is Eli Chase, a close friend of Salvatore's son Joey. The police arrests Eli and place him in Keegan Island Prison.

2011,
Eli is released from prison. An ultra faction has took over the cities. Eli vows to find who killed Salvatore and kill them.
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Characters

Name	Status	Photos	Info
Eli Chase	Protagonist	Photo	Eli was raised on Portland Island, Liberty City. He had a hard time growing up, he found it difficult to make friends but he always had one friend (Joey Leone). Eli did what he could to get some money.

Eli Chase - The protagonist - Photo - Eli was raised on Portland Island, Liberty City. He had a hard time growing up, he found it difficult to make friends but he always had one friend (Joey Leone). Eli did what he could to get some money.

Joey Leone - Friend - Photo - Joey introduced Eli to his father Salvatore Leone and got him into a life of crime. Joey respects Eli and believes that Eli did not kill Salvatore.

Salvatore Leone - Dead - Photo - Salvatore gave odd jobs to Eli to keep him from being broke. Eli and Salvatore started to become friends. Eli was framed for Salvatore's murder.

Misty - Friend - Photo - Misty used to work for Luigi in Portland,Liberty City as a prostitute but she escaped and started to work for herself in Keegan Island. Joey is her favourite customer, she gives him sex for free.

Olly Parker - Friend - Photo - Olly is the youngest bar owner in Keegan Island, he is only 19 years old. He bought the bar after a bank heist with his brother.Always wears a pink suit

Darth Parker - Unknown -Photo - Born Jon Parker, Darth took a liking to storm-trooper helmets and eventually put a pink one on his head permanently to go with him and his brother's pink suit tradition. He does heists. Whether it is banks or bars or anything heistable, he will heist it.



MORE COMING SOON


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Side Missions


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[center] Main Missions

[CS] = Cutscene
[GP] = Gameplay
Cyan Text = What Is Happening
Green Text = Joey's Speech,Salvatore's Speech
Yellow Text = Eli's Speech
Orange Text = Objectives
Gray Text = Any Authority (LCPD,NOOSE,VCPD,KIPD)


[tr]

Act 1: Ex-Convict

Mission	Mission Giver	Information
10 Years Ago	Eli (Automatically Starts)	Eli is framed for Salvatore's murder
Proposition	Joey (Automatically Starts)	Eli is released from prison and offered back into a life of crime
Hotwire	Joey (Starts at Keegan Trade Center,Keegan Island)	Joey wants a new Banshee sports car to tune for the street race
The Route / Sex Drive	Misty (Starts at Misty's Apartment, Keegan Island)	Misty wants you to drive her to her spots
Medium Pimpin''	Misty (Starts at Misty's Apartment, Keegan Islands	Olly is having a lot of trouble, a rival bar has hundreds of customers but Quik has none.
DanceBox	Olly (Starts at Quik, Keegan Islands	Olly is having a lot of trouble, a rival bar has hundreds of customers but Quik has none.

Location	Info
Salvatore's Gentlemans' Club / Salvatore's House Exterior	Portland, Liberty City
Salvatore's Gentlemans' Club / Salvatore's House Interior	Portland, Liberty City
Joey's Garage Exterior	Portland, Liberty City
Joey's Garage Interior	Portland, Liberty City
Sex Club 7 Exterior	Portland, Liberty City
Sex Club 7 Interior	Portland, Liberty City
Keegan Prison Exterior	Keegan Island
Quik Exterior	Keegan Island
Quik Interior	Keegan Island
Quik Safehouse	1st Safehouse - Keegan Island
Keegan Trade Center Exterior	Keegan Island

This post has been edited by cammi on Saturday, Aug 11 2012, 19:51

[Mokrie Dela]

This really belongs in the GTA gen chat section, as it's a concept, to be honest with you.

When i worked on Thames City with 02fishera, i posted the story in its own topic in the WD - JUST the story. That was linked to the main topic. Perhaps something like that if you want to pad the concept up with a full on story.

A mod might move it to where it'd get better reception and more views.

EDIT: FYI, Salvatore's killed outside the Sex club wasn't he?

[cammi]

I said he was killed outside Sex Club (Sex Club 7 ).
Also I have a topic in GTA Gen Chat that goes into detail about the concept like clothes, shops and etc. I put this here because it is just the missions which I wrote using the video game script technique that Ziggy shown me.

[Lethal Nizzle]

Damn man, another game script? Sure, this has very slightly improved on your other one (in terms of layout and the addition of very brief descriptions of player actions/locations) but I still think it is lacking the detail and credibility to be taken seriously. Plus, the whole sudden geographical shift in location of Liberty City, Vice City and Carcer City doesn't make sense and, even though it is a fictional world, doesn't make it believable for the audience. As most of us are consumers of some form of GTA, and this is an interpretation of that universe, it would help if you stick to the canon that is already in place; there is no possible way these three locations can be right next to each other. Still, your characters (similar to your other script) lack depth and I can't connect with them, or any of this script to be honest.

I'm probably being a lot less sympathetic than most people, and this is perhaps a little too scathing. You have to understand that seeing two other scripts from you that are left incomplete, then seeing you start a new thread with another half-assed idea and half-assed execution baffles me to be honest. Try and stick to one idea, completely flesh it out before even starting a topic.

[Mokrie Dela]

QUOTE (cammi @ Monday, Aug 6 2012, 22:16)

I said he was killed outside Sex Club (Sex Club 7 ). Also I have a topic in GTA Gen Chat that goes into detail about the concept like clothes, shops and etc. I put this here because it is just the missions which I wrote using the video game script technique that Ziggy shown me.

QUOTE

Salvatore Leone, leader of the Leone Family Mafia, is found dead outside his mansion home

That says otherwise.

My advice is:

If this is the story, then the story should speak for itself. A map, a list of characters, story overview, side missions - a stand alone story doesnt have these things. Concept threads do.

Topics here should be, i think, a peice of writing that gives you all the information we need. If you have to put a section in with the story overview, or anything, then something's gon wrong.

Maybe it's just me, maybe im a stranger to this format, but that's my 2 cents. Concept threads go there, stories etc go here, and in my eyes this comes under the former.

[cammi]

Introduction: 10 Years Ago

2001

Joey's Garage,Portland,Liberty City

[START CS]
Eli walks into the garage in his black overalls and begins to look for Joey, Joey runs out of his office wearing white overalls that were no longer any shade of white

Joey
Bro, whats going down ?

Joey and Eli give each other a gangsta hug

Eli
Nothing much, how's business in here ?

Joey
Shaundi has been down here earlier, she left a briefcase for my father

Eli
Yeah, 'know what's in it?

Joey
Not sure, think its money?

Eli
Well what else could it be ?

Joey
Could be more SPANK

Eli
Is he picking it up

Joey
No, you wanna drop it off ?

Eli
Yeah, I will see if your father has some work for me

Joey gets the briefcase out of his office, he gives it to Eli who exits the garage onto the street. In view is a small section of Portland where there is a few factories and a dock is also in view. Eli looks at his Infernus waiting in the road for him.


[END CS]

[START GP]

Enter The Car

The Infernus starts normal as does every other car

Eli
Time to get going then

The GPS shows you where to go like in GTA IV, it does this whenever an objective is on the map

Drive To Salvatore's Gentlemans Club/ Mansion

[END GP]

[START CS]

The car pulls into an entrance where it cruises through the driveway and into a automatic garage where Eli exits and walks up the steps to the small mansion, decorated in red with some very fancy chairs and a glass coffee table. On the glass table is a note saying "Eli if you are reading this I am out, leave the package on this table. Meet me at Sex Club 7 kid". Eli exits the mansion and gets back in the Infernus.


[END CS]

[START GP]

Drive To Sex Club 7

Exit The Car And Walk Through The Side Alley To The Back Of Sex Club 7

[END GP]

[START CS]

Salvatore comes staggering out of the back door of Sex Club 7. He almost falls, obviously drunk.

Salvatore
Hey Kid.

Eli
You drunk?

Salvatore
I am very old kid, I ain't go long left. Live while you can.

Eli
Okay?

Salvatore
You want a job?

Eli
Yeah

Salvatore
Go inside and have fun, you deserve it. Here even take some money.

Salvatore hands Eli a stack of cash, about $1000. Eli walks inside. He notices dozens of strippers poles (the layout of the place was exactly the same as Jizzy's Pleasure Dome) A stripper comes over to him, she takes his hand and leads him to a booth. Eli blacks out and wakes up with strippers all around him in the booth, one even had her head on his shoulder. There is a gunshot outside. Eli runs out and finds Salvatore dead in a pool of blood. The LCPD drive past and notice Eli near the body and try to arrest him.

[END CS]

[START GP]

Run Up The Stairs To The Roof ( Without Getting Grapped By A Cop)

[END GP]

[START CS]

Cop #1
Stop right there

Cop #2
You are going nowhere, you are cornered

The cops arrest Eli and take him back down the stairs and into their car.

[END CS]


Mission Complete:
No Rewards

Missions Unlocked:
Propostion - Joey



This post has been edited by cammi on Saturday, Aug 11 2012, 18:41

[cammi]

Introduction Part 2: Proposition

2011

Prison, Keegan Island

[Start CS]

The camera zooms out of an empty cell and out of the prison

and shows a view of the whole of Keegan Island. It zooms in to Eli who is

walking out of the prison gates towards his red infernus, he looks the same as

in 2001. Joey is waiting in the passenger seat wearing the same not very white

overalls, he looks slightly older. Joey opens the window and throws the keys

to Eli who enters the car and starts it.

Eli
You gonna make me drive ?

Joey
Hell yeah! You know me.

Eli
Yeah I bet you haven't washed them overalls since I left.

Joey
Maybe you do remember me.

Eli
How could I forget?

Joey
I need to ask you something.

Eli
Over a beer.

Joey
Hell yeah !


[End CS]

[Start GP]

Drive to Quik in Keegan Island

Joey
Come on in, I know the bartender.

Enter Quik

[End GP]

[Start CS]

Quik is empty, there are no customers, it looks like it is shut. Joey

sits on a stool at the bar and gangsta hugs the bartender over the bar, Eli

sits on the stool next to Joey

Joey
This is Olly, he let me stay upstairs for a few days while I waited for you to

be released.

Olly ,who is wearing a pink suit, gangsta hugs Eli over the bar



Eli
Why did you come so early?

Joey
I came to see Misty but the bridge got bombed.

Eli
So we are stuck here for a while.

Joey
Yeah but we can stay here for a bit. Yeah Olly ?

Olly
Fine. I can do with some company for a while.

Olly gives both Joey and Eli a pint of beer. Joey drinks his

straight away but Eli slowly sips his pint of beer.

Joey
The reason we are here now is I need you to turn back.

Eli
Turn back ?

Joey
To crime. We need to find my fathers killer but a lot has changed since you

left.

Olly
There were six gangs. Two in Liberty City, Vice City and Carcer City but

none in Keegan Island. The first Liberty City gang was the Liberty Hustlers, a

bunch of bikers lead by Mitch Baker. The second Liberty City gang was the

Yakuza, lead by Maria Latore who was in a relationship with Salvatore. The

Liberty City gangs were united by a man named Saka.

Joey
The first Vice City gang was the Vercetti Gang, they were lead by Tommy

Vercetti, they specialize in property and real estate. The second gang were The

Military, they were lead by Jerry Martinez, they were once part of the real

military until Jerry Martinez was presumed dead after being killed by Victor

Vance but he survived and captured Fort Baxter for himself then he recruited

all of the army members to join his gang. The gangs were united by Tommy

Vercetti's son, Gas Vercetti.

Olly
The first Carcer City gang was The Crazies, a gang that formed in the asylum

and escaped during the riots, they were lead by Proffessor Kaufman who once

owned a cab firm. The second Carcer City gang were the Hunterz, they are

all equal in the gang, they are bounty hunters but tend to stray to crime.

They were united by an ex convict named Royston.

Joey
Then Saka,Gas and Royston were united by a mysterious mute named Claude, he

once worked for my father but no one knows exactly where Claude is right

now. So now Liberty City, Vice City and Carcer City are known as The

United Cities. Keegan Island is used as a resort for vacations. So are you in?

Eli
I'm in......

Olly and Joey and Eli gangsta hug. Eli leaves the bar and goes

upstairs to his room which is light blue and is decorated with art.

[End CS]

[Start PHONE]

Joey
Come and see me in the trade center car park tomorrow.

Eli
Great, see you there.

[End PHONE]

Mission Complete:
$50
Quik Safehouse

Missions Unlocked:
Hotwire - Joey



This post has been edited by cammi on Saturday, Aug 11 2012, 12:11

[cammi]

Joey : Hotwire

Keegan Trade Center

[Start CS]

The camera is focused on a skyscraper, it zooms out to be revealed as Keegan Trade Center. Then the camera returns to 3rd Person View of Eli.

Joey
Eli, up here.

Joey is shouting from the top floor of the Keegan Trade Center car-park roof wearing his overalls still. Eli strolls up the car-park stairs and finally reaches the roof where he gangsta hugs Joey.

Eli
Whats going on up here?

Joey
"The Mayor Of Keegan Island" refused to pay Misty for sex.

Eli
She is still into that, I thought she got a real job.

Joey
Nah, she enjoys it.

Eli
I bet you buy her all of the time.

Joey
I don't have to pay

Eli
On a more serious note, what does this have to do with us.

Joey
I bet you missed having women in prison.

Eli
Yeah.

Joey
Misty wants revenge, and I need a banshee sports car.

Eli
You give me money, she gives me cheap sex.

Joey
Not cheap, free.

Eli
Great, seems like a win-win situation.

[End CS]

[Start GP]

Find the car

The car is in parking spot 212A in the middle of the car-park roof.

Steal the car

Eli puts his fist through the window and hotwires the car, this is a standard procedure to steal a parked car. It takes a few seconds. He sits inside and starts the car. Joey also sits in the car. The police know about the crime and Eli gets a one-star wanted level leaving the police lightly chasing them.

Drive to the lockup without the police following you

Park the car inside the garage and leave

[End GP]

[Start PHONE]

Olly
Eli, drop by at the bar and I will give you some work

[End PHONE]

[Start PHONE]

Misty
Hey sexy, come see me for a good time

[End PHONE]

Mission Complete
$100


Mission Unlocked
The Route - Misty
DanceBox - Olly



This post has been edited by cammi on Saturday, Aug 11 2012, 18:43

[cammi]

Misty : The Route

Misty's Apartment, Keegan Island

[Start CS]

Eli knocks on Misty's door, Misty opens it and walks out.

Misty
Eli, I have missed you so much

Misty kisses Eli on the cheek.

Eli
So whats happening over here?

Misty
I need you to drive me.

Eli
Great, you got a car?

Misty
No, steal one,

[End CS]

[Start GP]

Steal any car and bring it back to Misty's Apartment

Eli
Will this one do?

Misty
Yes.

Misty gets inside the car

Pick up Misty's customer

The customer gets inside the car.

Drive into the closest alleyway

The car shakes up and down as the screen fades to black. The screen focuses and the customer gets out of the car.

Pick up Misty's next customer.

The customer gets inside the car.

Drive into the closest alleyway.

The car shakes up and down as the screen fades to black. The screen focuses and the customer gets out of the car.

Drive Misty back to her apartment.

Misty
Your good at this.

Misty gets out of the car as Eli puts his window down. Misty kisses him on the lips.

Eli
Gross. I don't know where them lips have been.

Misty
I thought you were watching.

Misty laughs and enters her apartment.

Mission Complete
$500

Missions Unlocked
Medium Pimpin' - Misty



This post has been edited by cammi on Saturday, Aug 11 2012, 18:45

[universetwisters]

Dont you already have a concept thread in the series chat section?

[cammi]

That is the concept thread, this is the script and some other stuff.

[cammi]

Misty : Medium Pimpin'

Misty's Apartment, Keegan Island

[Start CS]

Misty is sat on the sidewalk crying, Eli walks over to her.

Eli
Are you ok?

Misty
It's this pimp, he is threatening me into workin' for him.

Eli
You want me to fight him ?

Misty
You would do that for me?

Eli
Sure I will.

Misty starts to get happier and goes back in her apartment.

[End CS]

[Start GP]

Meet the pimp in the alleyway

[End GP]

[Start CS]

The pimp strolls over to Eli and gives him a business card with the pimp's name on it "Malcolm Sleaze"

Malcolm
What you want fool?

Eli
You leave Misty alone.

Malcolm
What you gonna do?

[End CS]

[Start GP]

Malcolm slaps you with his pimp cane starting a fight, Eli must fight him without using any weapons

Fight Malcolm

[End GP]

Mission Complete:
$250
Malcolm's Cane at Quik Safehouse

Missions Unlocked
Pop The Trunk - Misty



This post has been edited by cammi on Saturday, Aug 11 2012, 18:46

[Eminence]

Yeah, turn this into a story or I'll move it or lock it.

A script can still be a story. But when it's literally just giving mission cues... no. Not interested.

[cammi]

It is not just giving mission cues and it has a story and I am afraid I will not turn it into a real story. It is a script with objectives and tbh that is how I want it to stay.

[AceRay]

QUOTE (cammi @ Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 07:48)

It is not just giving mission cues and it has a story and I am afraid I will not turn it into a real story. It is a script with objectives and tbh that is how I want it to stay.

Well, okay then, we'll have fun reading it in GTA series chat.

I'm not really seeing anything interesting done with the characters, Eli is basically an expy of CJ and all the rest are dull. You need to add some emotions to the scenes rather than just mission objectives. I think the script format is holding you back, get rid of it or work harder at it. Instead of saying "Fight Malcolm," why not describe the fight with interesting terms like "Eli grabs Malcolm by the collar with his hairy fists, using his strength to throw him against the wall. Malcolm jumps back up and pulls out his cane, stroking it menacingly, ready for death"

Dialogue is pretty bad too, in GTA the characters have soul and flavour in their dialogue and that's what makes Niko, Roman etc interesting, they're complex and deep. Here, the characters are just here to give missions, saying stuff like "Beat up the pimp," and "Eli, drop by at the bar and I will give you some work" is pretty lazy. Try to at least disguise these obvious mission objectives with some funny speech or something like "You know that pimp? Knock him up some hammies and make him pay," Furthermore, Eli is basically just some thug, try making him different like a backstory or inner problems, it feels like we're following a NPC here instead of a human being. Why not have a chapter (and I use that word lightly) where all Eli does is has some interesting dialogue revealing a tragic backstory or funny dialogue, getting me interested with him?

I guess something else I found was that this rushes through events so quickly. Instead of characterizing people, we get rushed dialogue and fight scenes consisting of *fights pimp*. In a concept thread this would be fine (if lazy) but this is WRITER'S discussion so the writing is what everyone has paid to see so it is important. Consider making more out of less, so instead of 250 words describing meeting someone and then fighting someone across town, why not describe the situation using language features?

Believe me, I'm staff of BUYG IV so I know a thing or two about successful fanfics based on GTA. Give a little effort and you could have something interesting.

This post has been edited by AceRay on Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 09:19

[cammi]

QUOTE (AceRay @ Sunday, Aug 12 2012, 02:42)

I'm not really seeing anything interesting done with the characters, Eli is basically an expy of CJ and all the rest are dull. You need to add some emotions to the scenes rather than just mission objectives. I think the script format is holding you back, get rid of it or work harder at it. Instead of saying "Fight Malcolm," why not describe the fight with interesting terms like "Eli grabs Malcolm by the collar with his hairy fists, using his strength to throw him against the wall. Malcolm jumps back up and pulls out his cane, stroking it menacingly, ready for death" Dialogue is pretty bad too, in GTA the characters have soul and flavour in their dialogue and that's what makes Niko, Roman etc interesting, they're complex and deep. Here, the characters are just here to give missions, saying stuff like "Beat up the pimp," and "Eli, drop by at the bar and I will give you some work" is pretty lazy. Try to at least disguise these obvious mission objectives with some funny speech or something like "You know that pimp? Knock him up some hammies and make him pay," Furthermore, Eli is basically just some thug, try making him different like a backstory or inner problems, it feels like we're following a NPC here instead of a human being. Why not have a chapter (and I use that word lightly) where all Eli does is has some interesting dialogue revealing a tragic backstory or funny dialogue, getting me interested with him? I guess something else I found was that this rushes through events so quickly. Instead of characterizing people, we get rushed dialogue and fight scenes consisting of *fights pimp*. In a concept thread this would be fine (if lazy) but this is WRITER'S discussion so the writing is what everyone has paid to see so it is important. Consider making more out of less, so instead of 250 words describing meeting someone and then fighting someone across town, why not describe the situation using language features? Believe me, I'm staff of BUYG IV so I know a thing or two about successful fanfics based on GTA. Give a little effort and you could have something interesting.

Thanks for the advice, I will use it when I edit the missions later today.