[shiva s]

Note: This is my first story. Also, my english is not so good. You may come across several grammar mistakes when you read this. Please, correct me and leave me feedbacks. I'd appericiated negative feedbacks too. Thanks for visiting.
"So, according to you spirits and ghosts are not evil ?" she asked.
"Yes, they don't cause any harm to humans and they won't rest until their wishes are met" I answered.
"You should've known about the ghost of a girl in the house in 77th avenue. Lots of people who had been to the house reported that the girl attacked them. What do you say about this ?"
"Good question, ma'am. Next week, I am gonna do paranormal investigations in that house and I will find the truth. Trust in my words, ghosts are not harmful."
"Ok, sir, thanks a lot for spending your time with us, sir." she said and stood up. I stood up too and I was about to say something but the cameraman has already packed his camera sets.
"Can I know your number, sir ?" She asked.
"Sure" I said. I shoved my hand into my pocket and pulled out my visiting card and gave it to her.
"thanks, sir." she said. The crew began to wind up. They moved slowly out of my house. I walked towards the window and looked out. It was almost dark. I saw a man standing near the lampost. I decided to read the old newspaper which will give me more infos about the death of the small girl in that house which I'm gonna investigate next week. I sat on the couch and picked the newspaper from the table. I was reading it earlier today. Um..
I started reading..
" The girl had only her father who was a drug addict. He use to torture her daughter everyday. One day the girl was found lying dead in her bed. Her throat was cut. Her father was nowhere to be found. Her father is the one who should've murdered her. "
Jesus, this is just horrible. I just can't wait till next week to start my investigation so I'm gonna start my investigation from tomorrow. Yes! From tomorrow. I called my boss over phone.
"Hello" I heard his hoarse voice.
"Boss, it's me Allan, I've decided to start my investigation on that house tomorrow." I said.
"What? Why too early?" He asked.
"I just don't know but I want to finish this as early as I can." I replied.
"Uh... You want me to send John and Barney with you?" He asked.
"No, thanks, boss, I will do this alone." I said.
"Ok, then, just be careful." He said.
"I will. Bye" I said and finished my convo. I wanna know what's happening there in that house. I should get to sleep now so that I can wake up early tomorrow. I walked to the bed. I lyed on it, closed my eyes and I began to think about the girl and that house. Eventually, I went asleep..

The next day, I was walking with my bag of equipments towards that house. I reached the house and looked at it. The windows shingles were broken. Spider webs, broken window panes etc. The main door was half open. I took a deep breath and walked towards the door.
"SIR!" i heard a voice behind me.
I turned back to the voice. A man came running to me.
"Sir, please, don't go in. It's dangerous and it is haunted by a ghost girl" He said.
He looked middle aged with black beard.
"Yes, I know, I was appointed to investigate the paranormal activities in this house." I replied.
"Oh, ok, sir. But, you better make sure if you're gonna get into this house as it is pretty dangerous." he said.
"Thanks for the warnings. I will take care of this" I said and stepped into the house. I closed the door behind me. It was fully dark. I know, there's still power in this house. I managed to find the switch board and turned on the lights. Suddenly, I heard a low voice near me. I looked round restlessly to find who's that. But, no one. I opened my bag and pulled out the galvanometer. I turned on the device and waved the device around. It actually detects movements. The magentice needle inside the coil was still at zero. I began to walk forward. I saw two rooms. I pointed the galvanometer towards the first room. The needle was still a zero. I pointed the galvanometer to the next room and to my suprise, the needle began to move slightly. Yes! I thought. I walked into that room. The room was dark. I turned on the light. It was the girl's room. The room had a huge bed, proably the girl's bed and a mirror nearby. There was some toys scattered here and there. I walked towards the mirror and looked at the mirror. I was glaring at the mirror for a minute looking for something. Suddenly, I saw the girl walking out of the room in the mirror. I turned back . The girl walked into the other room. My heart began to pound. I almost jumped when my phone rang. I answered the phone.
"Hello, sir, it's me " I heard the woman's voce who came to my house last night for the interview.
"shut up, bitch !" I said and thrown the phone. I ran out of the room and went into the room which the girl entered. She was sitting at the corner of the room. Her face covered with her hands. She was crying and moaning..
To be continued in the next post.

[shiva s]

"Hello" I called her. She was still crying. I neared her slowly.
"hello" i called her again and this time she looked at me. Her face was filled with blood. I found scar spots on her cheeks. She was crying. I was a little scared.
"Can I know your name ?" She asked.
"Lucy," She answered slowly.
" don't worry, Lucy, I will help you rest in peace. What really happend ?" I asked.
She hesitated to speak for a moments.
"I'm scared of my father who's beating me daily " she said.
"Uh.. You're dead, right ?
And, your father has escaped, right ?"
"No, he beats me up daily. " she said. I was confused.
"Where is he now ? " I asked.
"Here" she said and started crying.
I got confused again. I felt someone standing behind me. My heart began to pound. I turned back slowly. I saw a man standing behind me with transparant body. He had no legs. He was staring angrily at me..
The End
Thanks a lot for reading. Please, leave me feedbacks and some constructive critics.

[Coat.]

I'm not sure how to feel. It just feels a little cliche' with the 'haunted house' theme you gave it. I'm not trying to bag out your work, but even mine isn't perfect. Just try to fiddle around with the dialogue. That's were you need to improve on in this short story.

Also, you wrote:

QUOTE

"So, according to you spirits and ghosts are not evil ?" she asked.

To make the viewer read it more fluently, read it yourself and add the comma were it is needed most:

QUOTE

"So according to you, spirits and ghosts are not evil ?" she asked.

After all, this is a short story but even with short stories, everything can do with improvement. Now, I'm not going to tell you to stop writing with bold, and even though bold is attractive to look at, I'd only use it for titles and that's about all. Putting a title in above your work also just makes it look that better. And if you have the time, check out my topic in Writers Discussion titled, 'Peasant Blurs'.

All the best.

[shiva s]

QUOTE (Coat. @ Sunday, Jul 22 2012, 09:01)

I'm not sure how to feel. It just feels a little cliche' with the 'haunted house' theme you gave it. I'm not trying to bag out your work, but even mine isn't perfect. Just try to fiddle around with the dialogue. That's were you need to improve on in this short story. Also, you wrote: QUOTE "So, according to you spirits and ghosts are not evil ?" she asked. To make the viewer read it more fluently, read it yourself and add the comma were it is needed most: QUOTE "So according to you, spirits and ghosts are not evil ?" she asked. After all, this is a short story but even with short stories, everything can do with improvement. Now, I'm not going to tell you to stop writing with bold, and even though bold is attractive to look at, I'd only use it for titles and that's about all. Putting a title in above your work also just makes it look that better. And if you have the time, check out my topic in Writers Discussion titled, 'Peasant Blurs'. All the best.

Thanks a lot for your feedbacks, man. I'm not so good in punctuations but I will take your advise and I'll improve. Glad that you gave me such a detailed feedbacks. And, Yes, I'm reading your Peasant Blur. It's really nice. Expect my feedbacks soon.

[Mokrie Dela]

QUOTE (shiva s @ Sunday, Jul 22 2012, 05:18)

I'd appericiated negative feedbacks too.

Bold words my man

Firstly i like the use of speech to start it off.

QUOTE

[b]"So, according to you spirits and ghosts are not evil ?" she asked.

To build on what coat said, the use of the comma:
The way i read it, was that the speaker said "so" then paused. A good way of saying this, i find is to write:

QUOTE

"So," She said, "according to you, spirits and ghosts are not evil."

The question mark isn't 100% necassary, but it's not out of place. The way i write it, the reader will most likey infer a pause.
Alternatively, you could use two commas, something i do a lot:
"So according to you, spirits and ghosts are not evil." I personally would lose the question mark, as it seems an indirect question, but that's a matter of personal style, and i may be wrong there.

QUOTE

"Ok, sir, thanks a lot for spending your time with us, sir."

I'd remove one of these "sir"s, as i don't feel theyre both required.

QUOTE

I stood up too and I was about to say something but the cameraman has already packed his camera sets.

Again i'd personally say "cameraman had already begun to pack up his camera"

QUOTE

I decided to read the old newspaper which will give me more infos about the death of the small girl in that house which I'm gonna investigate next week. I sat on the couch and picked the newspaper from the table. I was reading it earlier today. Um..

"Infos" should be "information". I don't like seeing such abbreviations in writing, as it seems lazy and screams, to me, of lack of skill. Also i'm not sure why "Um..." is in there. It seems out of place to me, but if you put it there to convey something, fair play, though i'm not getting it.

QUOTE

Her father is the one who should've murdered her.

"Should" is not the right word here i feel. "Did" perhaps? I dunno.

QUOTE

"I will. Bye" I said and finished my convo. I wanna know what's happening there in that house. I should get to sleep now so that I can wake up early tomorrow. I walked to the bed. I lyed on it, closed my eyes and I began to think about the girl and that house. Eventually, I went asleep..

There's some tense inconsistancies here. "I said", "I should get to sleep now", i "walked" (I laid on the bed btw), "closed my eyes". and "began"
you keep changing from present to past tense. you say "i DID something, then i WILL DO..."
Heres how it should be: (again, not "convo" but conversation)

QUOTE

"I will. Bye" I say and finish my conversation. I want to know what's happening there in that house. I should get to sleep now so that I can wake up early tomorrow. I walk to the bed. I lie on it, close my eyes and I begin to think about the girl and that house. Eventually, I go to sleep..

Or:

QUOTE

"I will. Bye" I said and finished my conversation. I wanted to know what was happening there in that house. I needed to get to sleep so that I could wake up early the next day. I walked to the bed. I lied on it, closed my eyes and I began to think about the girl and that house. Eventually, I went asleep..

QUOTE

The next day, I was walking with my bag of equipments towards that house. I reached the house and looked at it. The windows shingles were broken. Spider webs, broken window panes etc.

Again, if writing a story, i dont like seeing this. "et cetera". Write it like you'd say it. You wouldn't say "etc" out loud, but "et cetera"

QUOTE

I pointed the galvanometer towards the first room.

I may be wrong here, but isnt a galvanometer used for detecting electrical current? Or is it the name of the style of needle-based display?

QUOTE

"shut up, bitch !"

I have problems with this bit. It seems so out of character. You've given no indications that the man is like this. He seems a decent guy, and all of a sudden he's become an asshole to her. I'm guessing he's tense or on edge, but this line, in my opinion, does not work and i think it's the worst part of the entire story. It's too sudden and too much a change, that it made me go "what?"


Now for the good.
The layout, for the most part, was good. New speach on a new line is something a lot of people overlook, but for the most part this is decent. Considering english is not so good, as you said, i think you did well, and with that fact in mind, it's quite good.

There are some typos and errors, and it needs some polishing, perhaps more detail and insight into the characters (why for example does your character believe that ghosts are not evil, at the end when he sees the father, does he question his opnion?)
Not bad work though in truth.

The haunted house thing - its a common theme that even in this day and age, people can relate to. there was a house on my old paper route that i thought was haunted. Now i see it and it's just dirty !

[shiva s]

Aww, thanks for spending time to read, Mokrie. The feedbacks you've provided will surely help me improve in the future.
About, the guy calling the woman a bitch, he was busy in his investigation and was a bit scared on seeing the girl. The call of the woman annoyed him so he got frustrated and called her a bitch.
Anyway, thank you so much for providing such a lengthy feedbacks. Much appericiated.